Spontaneous Quantum and Newtonian Ritual

So, I've been going through it lately. Usually I can simultaneously go through something while also having some outside perspective on myself so as to direct myself to get support, clarity or a direction in which to move. Inotherwords, to go through something but also shift it. Not so as of late - overwhelming stuff, complicated, and loud, loud voices in my head, none too flattering.

At least now I have some perspective on what's going on with me: I have some splendid plans and goals and desires for the near and far future, and they are great and grand and will require a me that is larger, greater and grander than the me I am at this moment. The process of growing, expanding, shifting is uncomfortable, painful even, strange and disconcerting.

So, you want to hear one thing that helped?

I had a coaching session with my dear friend, who is a high-end corporate conflict-resolution coach, paid over $10,000 a day for his expertise, ability and heart. (No, he didn't charge me $10,000!)

In knowing him, I have observed that there is a way he speaks and relates to people that powerfully conveys his value or the value of whatever he is talking about. I originally set up our session to get the inside scoop on how he was so good at this: knowing his own value, or the value of whatever he is behind, and conveying that powerfully and masterfully. And also, to put it bluntly, because I suck at these things he's so good at.

I got that, and I got more.

There are two things I go from my friend, the wondercoach. First is a distinction from NLP (Neuro-Lingusistic Programming) which says that for a shift to take hold, it has to be both "Quantum" and "Newtonian." Quantum, meaning on a cellular level, a level of our make-up, our past, our energies; Newtonian meaning on the level of causality, of concrete steps, how-to's or everyday tools, methods and means.

Part-way through the session I was experiencing a strange thing: extreme emotion and so much varied sensation in my body that was almost too much to manage, all not directly related to what we were talking about. I felt like somethings had fallen away, some parts of me had been rearranged and replaced with clearer, more powerful parts. I was experiencing quantum shift.

A while back, I asked another friend of mine, a holistic nutrition counselor, environmental activist and witch, to help me with a ritual. I wanted to dance again, after 3 years of not dancing professionally, but I wanted to go forward without any baggage I've accumulated over the years from my relationship with dance. It was profound, silly and strange at times; it was relevant and seemed pointless at times. But at the end, I was altered, changed. The baggage I wished to let go is gone. Amazingly gone.

The process and effect of my coaching session are so similar to my witchy ritual. There is great power in speaking what we most want to walk into, what needs to be left behind in order to do so. And the result is an irrevocable shift, both Newtonian and Quantum.

The second thing I got from wondercoach came clear as he explained his process around value: illicit what the person you are relating to WANTS MOST, what has MOST VALUE TO THEM; then continue to listen to them, ask questions of them and speak to them (this is the important part) AS THOUGH THEY WILL HAVE WHAT THEY WANT MOST. If your listening and speaking toward the person is in the light of them already being having what they want most, the reality of it exists. They easily walk into it, embody it, create it, see it not only as a possibility, but as an inevitable reality. And the things that come up are then the things that can be looked at and examined to have fall away, as impediments to having what it is you want.

And then I realized this was how he had been relating to me. He was careful to illicit what I wanted most, and spoke and related to me from a place of believing with the utmost clarity that I would have that.

And it was this that created this powerful shift in me.

The Darkest Day of the Year

One thing has always been comforting to me, during the winter months that get increasingly colder and shorter and darker, making me want to crawl inside myself, or bed. On December 21st, the days start getting longer, 2 minutes per day. December 21st itself is the shortest, darkest day of the year; but on this day there is the seed or the beginning of moving toward light and warmth again.

Things were going along swimmingly for me, until a few weeks ago. In fact, it felt very much like I was swimming along, and all of a sudden realized I was surrounded by a thick bunch of jelly-fish. Miles long, miles deep. Everywhere, jelly-fish. And so I froze, knowing that if I moved right, that one would sting me silly; if I moved left, that one would reveal 18 more behind it; if I moved backward, that one would knock me out cold.

The momentum of my life, recent move and all my projects has slowed, and the water is clearing, like silt to the bottom of the pond, revealing some strong, sly demons I was sure had long gone.

I am grateful I have an extraordinary partner to listen, dig deeper, and not run as I cover all aspects of the feminine expression in the span of 20 minutes. He has been extraordinary, and I appreciate the work we've both done to have this kind of support now.

I don't know what to say. From where I sit, it's either breakthrough or breakdown, or both. I know I put all these jelly fish in my own way, I know I created them. But they seem real. And terrifying.

I'll keep you posted.

These are potent words - that somehow help me right now - from Jed McKenna's second book, "Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment:"

(Although I take the tactic of loving my demons to death, rather than slaying them...)

"To move forward, you must figure out exactly what is obstructing you. Whatever it is, it isn't really there; it has no reality, no substance. It's your own creation, a phantom lurking in the shadows of your mind, a shadow demon. Your obstructions are your demons, and your demons are shadow dwellers. They live and thrive in the half-light of ignorance, so the way to slay a demon is by illuminating it with the full force and power of your focused attention; by looking at it, hard. Banish shadow with light and see for yourself that no obstruction exists, nor ever did. We create our demons and we feed them. To awaken we must slay them. That's really the whole process: Slay one demon, take one step.

Repeat."


Even the darkest day of the year holds within it the seeds of the light and sweet days of summer....

Uncomfortable and Scared

For the last few months and weeks, I've been feeling uncomfortable and scared, almost constantly.

In addition to moving to a new city, maintaining and expanding my client base and website, teaching and writing, I am working on the creation of a dance piece, full-length, with 4-5 other dancers, a set, custom-composed music and video projection to be performed mid-2008.

This is so far on the ambitious side of things, I might even call myself crazy.

Yesterday, when I realized for how long my discomfort and fright had been going on, I began to think, "LiYana, this is madness! Why do I always do this to myself? Why do I always take on huge, immense, nearly impossible tasks that put me way, way outside my comfort zone? This is not fun! When do I get to feel like things are normal?"

And then the words of a zen meditation teacher of mine come to mind - words that always bring me such relief and mirth at the same time: "The body is not made to be eternal comfortable. Sometimes comfortable, sometimes uncomfortable. Such a worry and a stress always to be searching for comfortable."

And then I also realize that I will never stop setting myself up to create things way outside my comfort zone. And so, it would be good to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. If I choose a life - as I have - where I want to constantly learn, grow, expand, shift and create, I'm going to be uncomfortable and scared a majority of the time.

So, yes, I am still uncomfortable, and still scared... But somehow noticing that I did it on purpose re-frames it not as an indication of something wrong, but actually of something just quite right.

Dinner on Tuesday

I was trained in a big way to present as if and always if I had my shit together, that I was on top of things; if I'd gone through a hard patch, it was way in the past, and certainly wasn't now. I was just telling a friend tonight how I've relearned over the past couple of years how important it is to come from a human place and share just as much what's not working, the ways I mess up, fall down or forget. I ran into one of these such humbling moments two evenings ago.

I was having dinner with a friend and he was talking about a new relationship he is in and some of the issues with it -- mostly to talk about it, but partly to get my thoughts on it all. He said it was hard to hear when she, a single mom of 3, expressed to him at times she gets so overwhelmed, her kids feel to her like an obligation and she isn't even sure if she loves them. It was something he just couldn't understand. I listened and asked a bunch of questions and then started talking a bit about what I thought would make a difference. I started to explain that understanding something doesn't always have to mean agreeing with it. I explained that she could be feeling badly herself and concerned about being judged, but that if she felt she was being perceived as OK and good anyways, it would open up some space and have her feel less defensive and closed about it all. And then I went on to explaining what "finding something right" means - when a little warning light went off in me.

Here I was explaining about finding some thing or someone right, and I had been finding him wrong all night.

I took a breath, paused for a second, and took a moment to really look at him and take him in. I eased up so the voices of criticism could fade and there was more space to see and hear him. I took note of all that I found right and good about him, right here in the now. And then I continued talking.

I felt better immediately and started having a much better time. And from that point, the quality of our conversation shifted, opened up and lightened up. As we were paying the bill, he said, "You know, I've been telling you all the problems I have with her, but there are so many things that are great." And went on to list them.

Finding someone right can be a nice concept, but what does it mean, or how do we actually DO it? On my walk up the hill this Thanksgiving day, I tried to break it down into a few steps to make it a bit easier to practice:

1. Notice you are finding the person or thing "wrong."
2. Interrupt or press pause on the thoughts about the "wrongness."
3. Let them fade into the background, so there is more space, more quiet.
4. Notice what is "right" or "good" already about this person.

Note: Don't pretend that the things you found "wrong" are suddenly "right." That's just bullshitting yourself. Authentically and genuinely, notice what is "good" and "right" about this person or thing, right here, right now.

Another note: Something quite profound can happen in this space, which is a space with an ABSENCE of judgment: you can see even the thing/quality/person you found "wrong" a moment ago, now simply just to be SO. When you see the "wrongness" without the judgment of "wrong" it can simply just BE AS IT IS. And suddenly isn't so wrong after all. And then there is space for all that is right to emerge.

That's it. This is the beautiful simplicity of finding something or someone right. And from this starting point, hearts open, connections are made, humanity is shared, conversations blossom, and both people have a better time.

Try it and let me know how it goes.

What Do You Have Left?

An extraordinary lesson for all of us, from a friend and mentor across the seas:


On Nov. 18, 1995, Itzhak Perlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a concert at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in New York City. If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches. To see him walk across the stage one step at a time, painfully and slowly, is an awesome sight.

He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent while he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap - it went off like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant. There was no mistaking what he had to do. We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches and limp his way off stage - to either find another violin or else find another string for this one. But he didn't. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes and then signaled the conductor to begin again.

The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played with such passion and such power and such purity as they had never heard before.

Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible t o play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night Itzhak Perlman refused to know that.

You could see him modulating, changing, re-composing the piece in his head. At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before. When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. And then people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from every corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet, screaming and cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said - not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone -

"You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."

What a powerful line that is. It has stayed in my mind ever since I heard it. And who knows? Perhaps that is the definition of life - not just for artists but for all of us. Here is a man who has prepared all his life to make music on a violin of four strings, who, all of a sudden, in the middle of a concert, finds himself with only three strings; so he makes music with three strings, and the music he made that night with just three strings was more beautiful, more sacred, more memorable, than any that he had ever made before, when he had four strings.

So, perhaps our task in this shaky, fast-changing, bewildering world in which we live is to make music, at first with all that we have, and then, when that is no longer possible, to make music with what we have left.

Praise and Parents

This month of giving thanks (at least in the USA), a lot is brewing - the magic of gratitude and praise. It is impossible to be miserable, or focused on some aspect of ourself that is miserable, when we are in gratitude, or in praise.

I realized my parents were my first example of extraordinary relationship, in two ways:

They taught me to trust that I would have deep, clear knowing of love. When I asked how they knew they wanted to be together (after a previous divorce each), they both said, "I just knew."

They showed me you can arrange a relationship any way you wish, so as to have it be an expression of the people in it. After the kids moved out, they moved into separate places, one mile down the road from each other. They are still very much
together, but have different living and working spaces. They also share meals and go over for movies and sleep-overs at the other's house.

After a recent tele-class I taught that my mom and dad were on, my mom wrote me this:

"Thank YOU for making your knowledge and skill available to us. Dad is very excited about what he learned. And already we have put some things into practice and it really works; less frustration and more understanding of one another and some great breakthroughs. We both have more openness to communicating. So thank you again."

Praise from the very people who were my first example of extraordinary relationship.

So to extend some of that praise back to our parents, check out this excerpt from David Deida's recent book, "Instant Enlightenment: Fast, Deep, and Sexy":


"Imagine praising the next person you see. Praise him or her as fully as possible, so you are embarrassed you are so praiseful. What praise would you give? Picture someone you know - anyone - and feel what is the most magnanimous praise you can offer them.

Remember your mother and father as you offer this praise. Imagine doing so now. How do you feel? You have probably chosen a career and sought an intimate partner in reaction to the praise you never got from your parents. Take time to remember what you didn't get from your mother and father, and look at what you seek through your career and intimate relationship.

What do you wish your parents had told you more? Really feel into your childhood. Feel, as a child, what your parents said or didn't say to you. What do you wish your parents had given you more of? What do you wish your parents had said to you?

To the next person you see, silently give the praise you didn't get enough of from your parents but wish you had. Give this praise silently to everyone you see for the next three days. In your imagination, give this praise silently to your parents, right now. How does it feel to offer the praise you never got, but wished you had?

Holding back praise limits all the love you are willing to give - through speech, sex, and touch. It also restrains the love you could offer through your life's work.

Give the praise that you wish your parents had given you more of. Give it silently to everyone, and give it out loud to your lover, whether you feel they deserve it or not. Find out what happens when you do. Discover the full offering you were born to give, as a gift, to everyone."

Two Ways to Center

There are times where I am so focused on how much I thoroughly suck, or how much I loathe myself top to bottom, nothing else seems clear or possible.

One of these times was a few weeks ago, and there at the bottom of this deep pit of pity, the teacher I was working with said something very simple,

"But beneath all that, you think you are pretty great."

And she was right! Deeper and more constant than the very real-seeming complex mess of confusion, self-doubt and self-loathing is the clear bell-like tone of joyful, undeniable, simple self-appreciation.

But was this universal? This past week, I tried it out on my clients: in the midst of working out some very real-seeming, complex mess of confusion, self-doubt and self-loathing I asked, "Is there also the possibility that under all that you actually think you are pretty great?"

And the same pause that I experienced, and the same simple, clear bell-like tone of joyful, undeniable self-appreciation bubbled up.

One clear, gentle but fierce, way back to Center.

And this morning, getting up at 7am to pee, the pink and plump morning air over the view from my bathroom, bathing the valley, hills and houses, reminding me the world is a gift, always waiting to give itself to us.

What's the second way back to Center? Sweet, clear, joyful nature, guiding us back to our Nature.

Attitude

This came to me via email, but since I vow not to send these types of things along and clutter up your email boxes more than they already are, I am posting it here on my blog:

Attitude

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in
the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"

So she did

and she had a wonderful day.


The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?"

So she did

and she had a grand day.


The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."

So she did

and she had a fun, fun day.


The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"


Attitude is everything.


Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting
some kind of battle.

Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly.......

Leave the rest to God(ess)


Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain.

The Onion strikes again

I'm feeling very uninspired to write a scintillating, enertaining, meaningful blog entry this week, so I am instead including a fantastically irreverent article from the most reliable news source around, The Onion!


I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord

By Bonnie Nordstrum, Polytheist

With Jesus as my personal Savior, I felt like I had it all. But then we hit a rough patch, and before long, I was beginning to question both my faith in Him and His commitment to me. At one point, it seemed the relationship was doomed. But I did a lot of soul searching, and together we found a solution that fit both of our needs by adopting an alternative theological lifestyle.

Now that I'm in an open relationship with the Lord, I feel a greater spiritual satisfaction than I've ever known.

It all started when I was 16 and first asked Jesus to enter my heart. It was incredible. He filled me up with His love. I'd never been redeemed before, but with Jesus it felt so right, as if the sins of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. For a while there, we were communing via the sacraments several times a week! And every night we spent what seemed like hours in long, mutually satisfying sessions of prayer. I worshipped Him.

Soon the honeymoon period ended, however. Whenever I spoke to Him, He seemed distracted and distant—sometimes I wondered if He was listening at all. Daily devotionals felt like we were just going through the motions of repetitive, meaningless dogma. A few months later, I made a potentially disastrous discovery: I found out I wasn't the only one He was sanctifying.

One day, I overheard my coworker Sally talking on the phone about how much God had helped her through her recent divorce. She said she "saw the light" after just one night with Him. At first I kept thinking, "Is she talking about the same Savior?" The next Sunday, I followed her to an unfamiliar church on the edge of town and just sat in my car for a while in disbelief. I finally walked up to the front door, but before I could open it, I heard the unmistakable sounds of ecstatic praise coming from inside. There was no denying it. I'd caught Sally red-handed, making a joyful noise unto my own special Lord.

I was devastated. How could He do this to me? Here I had let Him into my soul in the most intimate way possible, and He had betrayed our personal bond by accepting the thanks and adulation of Sally, and God knows how many others as well. I was humiliated I ever let Him wash my soul in His blood in the first place.

But I began to realize that He wasn't the only one who needed more. Hadn't I been growing tired of reciting the same old liturgy week after week? So I steeled myself with a stiff drink of communion wine, opened up my Bible, and confronted Him. In His divinely inspired scriptures, I learned that I hadn't driven Him to seek out others. He just needed to redeem as many sinners as He could to fulfill His destiny as Messiah. It was part of who He was.

If He could forgive me all of my trespasses, shouldn't I do the same for Him? He saved my soul, and now it was up to me to save the relationship. I decided then and there to start experimenting outside the boundaries of traditional monotheistic worship.

To be honest, I'd been flirting with polytheism all along by accepting the doctrine of the Trinity and simultaneously worshipping the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. If I could see all three of them as viable deities, why not others? I took it slow at first. I'd always been a strict Protestant, but I started practicing some Catholicism on the side. Before long, I was meditating on the Buddha. I felt serenity coursing through my body like never before!

The Lord my God is a jealous God, and He didn't like the idea at first. He made it very clear that I should take no God before Him—but he never mentioned anything about taking one after Him! And now that I've opened myself up to exciting new spiritual experiences, our bond is stronger than ever.

I've gone to Native American drum circles, New Age channeling workshops, and Shinto temples. I hung a mezuzah over my door, and last summer I made a pilgrimage to Mecca. I even spent a weekend in a no-holds-barred, worship free-for-all with two dozen Hindu gods!

See, we have an understanding: He can save any sinner He wants, and I can worship any deity I want. But we are still together. Some may think it's strange, but I'm no longer worried about other people's unenlightened moralizing. My spiritual life is better then ever! I love God—heck, I love all of them—and I am one deeply, deeply fulfilled woman.

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/im_in_an_open_relationship_with

Acknowledgment Squared

I was hit over the head (no, not literally!) last week by the power of Acknowledgment.

First, a dear friend emailed this to me:

"speak to me a bit on the subject of Acknowledgment. i'm curious about this tonight. it's power. how delicious it makes things to receive it and give it. you are really great at acknowledging and it feels so f**king good. it feels so good to know when a gift, an expression of tenderness is received. it's not even a matter of whether you liked it or not, or approved, but rather, that you acknowledged it and gave a little shout out. that it touched you in some way. i love that! it makes relating with you so much fun and i feel even more open to sharing my heart and my creativity with you."

Second, I was moderating a panel discussion on my Ask-A-Woman Tele-Class, and was dismayed at how few participants were asking questions of the panel of expert women. Then Regena (aka Mama Gena) piped up and said something like, "If you are just listening, or thinking perhaps of asking a question - wherever you are with it - it is just perfect. It takes a lot of courage just to be on this call, and the fact that you are here at all is a testament to the fact that you want more love, delight, pleasure and connection in your life. It's great to have you on the call."

And sure enough, right then, participants started asking questions and the Tele-Class flowed like honey. They felt appreciated, acknowledged and safe to open up and share some of what was going on for them. Never mind that I didn't say it first (Regena is the Queen of Pleasure and a great teacher of mine, after all!) - hats off once again to the simple power of Acknowledgment.

Prayer for the Little Things

I was just at the gym, multi-tasking on the elliptical machine, listening to my ipod and reading through 100 health and life balance tips from celebrities.

The tip that caught my eye was not to multi-task.

I shut off my ipod and read some more.

Try doing one thing at a time, the tip said, paying close attention to the task at hand, really experiencing and feeling it.

I got off the elliptical machine and came home to write this, reminded of St. Therea's Prayer that I got from a friend of mine a day or so ago.

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. (She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists and is represented by roses, in case you wanted to know that, too.)


St. Theresa's Prayer:

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love
that has been given to you.
May you be content.
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of you.


As unlikely as it is (guilty as I am from time to time of multi-tasking), if I were sainted, I wonder of what I would be the saint of? The Saint of Reverently Irreverent Blogging?

Still Burning

I finally have all the Playa dust out of my nostrils and ears,
my clothes are in piles to be washed, I've had a couple of hot
showers and am back in "real" life.

Which brings to question what "real life" means.

To explain further, I just went for the first time to the
purposefully-created alternate reality of Burning Man in the
middle of the moon-scape desert near Reno, Nevada. This year,
around 40,000 people gathered for around 7 days to unite under
the enigmatic umbrella that is Burning Man - to revel in
whatever is their particularly favored cocktail of art, music,
camping, dancing, sex, drugs, workshops, events, spontaneous
encounters, spiritual openings and playing in what IS.

First on my plate was to settle my body into the extreme
environment of dry-as-a-bone air, sudden dust-storms, 100+
degree day heat, baby-wipe showers and the rigor of drinking
over a gallon of water a day to stay hydrated.

Next was to ask myself why I had come. What did I want to
"get out" of the experience? What did it want to get out of me?
What did I want to burn along with the famous burning of the
"Man" on Saturday night?

For me, Burning Man was 7 days and 7 nights of living only in
the NOW. No use to make plans on the Playa, as it is likely
I'll not run into this person purposely again. Equally likely
I'll not feel energetic enough to make it to that great-sounding
workshop. Nor will I be able to find again the delicious
"misting dome" I found one sweltering bike-wander.

Find the moment perfect, or be frustrated and confused. This
was my mantra throughout.

I was slayed by the immense artwork brought to the Playa. My
favorite was a 150 foot wooden tower I could climb to get a
bird's eye view of the whole camp. Surrounding the tower were
several 30-foot figures, welded from found-metal into gorgeous
poses of reverence . At night, they flamed fire, some from the
hands, some from the eyes, some from the heart. On Sunday night,
the builders of this magnificent installation, along with the
help of two tanks of jet fuel, burned it entirely.

On my last day, I went to the Temple of Forgiveness, an
intricately carved wooden temple, every surface written on and
decorated by Playa revelers. I walked around, thinking about
our greatest desire as humans - to have our lives and actions
MEAN something, even amid the stark knowledge that ultimately
there is no intrinsic meaning aside from that that we assign.



We create things of immense intricacy and beauty, even though
they die away, change or burn. We create love affairs,
companies, babies, theatre, art - and none of it lasts. In no
place more evident and purposeful than at Burning Man are the
magnificent efforts of humans on display, and then purposely
torn down, packed away, or burned.

Mid-temple, I was thinking what - or who - I wanted to forgive,
when an arm reached out and pulled me into a hug. A new, sweet
friend I'd met a couple days before held me in a spontaneous
embrace and we cried together in the fine air of the Temple.
We cried although we weren't sad, released although I am not
sure exactly what, and met each other in a tender, perfect
place. I don't have any more words or reasons to explain it,
but for me at that moment, Burning Man was complete and perfect.
I had gotten what I came for.

That night, I watched the Man burn, startled by the huge sudden
explosion that began the fire, and cowered under the mushroom
cloud it created. Burning Man shouts and pleads to me with its
ferocious landscape and lush scope of humanity to appreciate
what is before me, to create for no reason but creation itself,
and then to enjoy the heat of it all burning, burning and still
burning.

In Candescence

Last night I went to an event titled, Candescence, a demonstration of a woman in a state of orgasm for one hour. I left the demonstration with the same feeling in my body and mind as at the end of an entire 10 days spent in silent meditation, for 10 hours each day.

Honestly, it is a bit edgy to write about this. I am uber aware that most people didn't spend their Saturday night in quite the same way as I did. But the experience of the energy of Sexuality and Spirituality being one was profound enough for me to tell you all about my unusual weekend event attendance.

The demonstration was the culmination of 4 years of work and research by this woman and her partner, into extended, expanded orgasm, under the guidance of Nicole Daedone of OneTaste in San Francisco. On one level, what we 75 people watched and experienced was a brave and naked woman lying on a lushly-draped dias, being stroked manually by her gloved partner. For one hour. But on another level, we - the un-stroked - rode her energetic waves along with her, felt the touches ripple through the room and our own bodies. Our bodies ignited, we tuned out when she did, we went up and down along with her, and our matter was gently caressed and expanded like this woman on the opposite side of the room.

At the end of the evening I felt pre-verbal, hard-pressed to speak or put words to what I was experiencing. I felt open, raw, ignited, vulnerable, and deeply moved. There was more to this than the sum of its components. It felt like we'd all been exposed to a sacred, ritualized energy.

There is apparently a region in the brain whose sole function is to suppress sexual turn-on. During sex and orgasm, it stops suppressing and we experience increased sensation and turn-on.

Is sensation and orgasm proprietary and localized to a body, or is it an owner-less energy, like the wind, that we only know when it touches and ripples over us?

Is our natural state orgasm? Is sexual turn-on happening all the time, we are just in various states of suppression?

Don't get me wrong. There are times when NOT feeling immense levels of sensation and openness is OK, like driving a car or operating heavy machinery - or trying to articulate an incredibly profound experience of the divine creative energy that made us all, so present in the room this last Saturday evening.

Tripping Over Joy

Ever since realigning my priorities away from being productive for productive's sake and moving toward enjoying my life, amazing (but predictable) things have been happening all over my life. The predictable part is namely me enjoying myself, my life, and others, exceedingly.

How is it that I made a paradigm shift from feeling batted about by life to enjoying it? It is certainly not that I finally got all my ducks in a row. My ducks are as unruly as most, if not more.

I finally got what it means to appreciate what is here, right now; how to appreciate what IS so, not what I WISH to be so. Starting from there allows me to open up, lighten up, and be flooded with gratitude. Where I put my attention, grows. Put my attention on the curve balls I am being thrown and how much that sucks, and lo! and behold, my life sucks. But put my attention on what is already good, rich and delicious, and my life becomes simply amazing...

Here is a fun quote by the 13th Century mystic Sufi poet, Hafiz, who has some good things to say on the subject of joy.

~ Tripping over Joy ~

What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
And that of a saint?
The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God

And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move

that the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, "I Surrender!"

Whereas, my dear,
I'm afraid you still think

You have a thousand serious moves.

I just had a bjorange!

This summer, in my research, writing and personal experimentation, i've been digging into the qualities of enlightenment, and how those qualities can, do and must co-exist alongside with sensuality, sexuality and relationship.

What's most stuck out is this concept: to love, appreciate, acknowledge and celebrate WHAT IS, not what we wish to be so. This has us stop running, hiding and pushing away the present moment, but instead has us see it square on. What happens after getting out of our fantasy life and being able to see reality, is that we are then able to see even more that is good. We can stop using our "bad" eyes and begin to start seeing with "good" eyes. I notice I only get into trouble when I get swept away with thoughts that have to do with what if, if only...

It was noted by a man named Victor Baranco, founder of an intentional living collective, MoreHouse (www.LafayetteMorehouse.com) that there wasn't really an event in our culture to acknowledge a relationship besides a marriage. Nor was there a word that rhymes with "orange." Thus was born the ceremony, a Borange. My boyfriend added the ecclectic "j" and hence personalized our into a "Bjorange." As a surprise to me, he had a dear friend of ours officiate our Bjorange, during his birthday two days ago.

What happens in a Bjorange? It is a celebration of the relationship, acknowledging what is good about it, right now, today. It is not a promise of the future nor a looking back at the past. He told me everything he loves and appreciates about me and our relationship, and I did as well. Our guests each told us what we - as individuals and as a relationship - meant to them. I loved doing this in the company of our favorite people on the planet. It was incomparable to know how much our relationship is inspiring to our dear friends. I felt a deep honoring of what we have NOW, for this man I get to walk with, create with, love with NOW. And NOW is, as we stride purposely into our juicy and amazing future, is really all we have.

As my teacher, Dolano (www.dolano.com) in India likes to say, "What's after NOW? Another NOW, isn't it?"

Join the Revolution: Fall in Love

"Join the revolution: fall in love" - this is a quote on the wall of my friends' house where I was baby-sitting all last week. I love that 10-month old, so smiley and intent on walking, I even loved changing his diapers.

But I don't want to talk about baby sunshine. He's pure love already.

We live in a culture that bonds around what is going badly, what is wrong. We are steeped in a culture of fear. It is thought highly inappropriate to talk about what is going well. Can you imagine being at a cocktail party and talking about how great your hair looks today, how great you look in that suit, or how much you've been enjoying your life?

It is a revolutionary act to approve of yourself or others.
It is a revolutionary act to find the world and your life right rather than wrong.
It is a revolutionary act to fall in love with yourself, just as you are, in the midst of your life as it is, even before you become perfect (which you surely will one of these days...).

Imagine if the thing you were striving for was yours already. Imagine coming home to yourself, whole, happy, right now.

Join the revolution - fall in love with yourself right now, work-in-progress or not.
Fall in love with your life. Fall to your knees with gratitude with the privilege of being able to love, for no reason at all, for every reason there is...

It is OK to live and love even with an imperfect life and imperfect world. It's the only option we've got...


"You can open as love and live as love, even though
you are not fully received by those you love.

You can open as infinity and offer your deepest truth,
even though your gifts may be refused by those you want to serve.

You can live as openness even though your daily life
may seem tawdry in light of your heart's deepest shine."

- From "Blue Truth," by author and teacher David Deida

The 11th Day

I haven’t come to this 10 day silent meditation retreat to become enlightened, I’ve come because even though I’ve got a sweet and loving inner dialogue, I find there’s often a lot of clutter and noise in my mind, and I began to wonder if my mind could do with the equivalent of push-ups. I mean, I take really good care of my body, and my mind’s been feeling a little flabby these days.

I am sure you can relate: in an unchecked mind, the voices can be self-defeating, and deafening.

Even if I am not after enlightenment, per se, a little Nirvana is always nice. Nirvana is a Sanskrit word that literally means "to cease blowing,” as when a candle flame ceases to flicker. I like this version: a still, sweet center, which remains intact, no matter how the storms rage around you. It’s not about getting the winds to be silent, but to find the space in you that never moves.

So, as I sit in meditation these 10 hours a day, I get really good at observing what is happening now, not what I wish was happening now. It’s kind of like taming a wild animal. You’d expect a wild animal to snort and protest and charge up against the containing walls. But if you were an animal tamer worth your salt, over and over again, you’d extend your hand with the kindness and effort of training.

I don't develop hard-willed discipline, I develope loving kindness toward myself, on a bodily-integrated level. I get to experience, directly, what it is like to come back to my center, with loving kindness, amid the raging storms of my mind, amid the sweet and intelligent wanderings of my mind, amid the very real pains and panics of my body. When the storms rage, I can be sweet peace for myself. I have the direct experience of not abandoning myself when the going gets tough, no matter the weather, no matter what life, my mind or my body throws my way.

As I get more prowess with the practice, I realize how much I love and respect my mind and body. I realize how I deeply trust myself to wander as well as self-correct. I begin to really enjoy the process, regardless of the painful hours. My mind is toned, on its way to being buff, actually! I notice more space, less clutter internally.

I feel like I am flirting silently with body and mind, with no witness but myself.


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Off to be quiet

Tomorrow morning I get on a bus to the Vipassana Meditation Center in Shelburne, MA, to begin a 10-day silent meditation retreat.

OK, people. I am a dancer and a yoga teacher. If you told me to dance for 10 days, no problem. But sit still? We are talking wake up at 4:00am and sit meditation until 10:00pm. Did I say sitting?

I am being just a touch melodramatic. I am actually looking forward to withdrawing from the world, settling into nature and simplifying my food and daily routine. This retreat is something that is very meaningful to my boyfriend, who has done it over 5 times, so it is an experience I want to share with him. I am always up for an exploration into the nature of reality and the relationship between body and mind. I am also always up for more sweet training for my mind, which, like most minds, can tend to get unruly with problem creation and problem solving and tends to forget all about the divinity in the here and now.

There is more than just a little bit of a wanna-be-monk in me. I look forward to reporting my experiences on the other end.

And after 10 days of silence, I'll surely have a lot to say about it!

Getting To Good

Like an acme safe ala cartoonland, I recently feel like I got hit on the head with EXACTLY HOW to have my life and relationship be great, gorgeous always full of fun and delight.

Only instead of landing like a ton of steel, this landed like a drizzle of honey on a bed of feathers.

The price to earn pleasure is not pain and suffering.
The price to earn pleasure is enjoying what is already HERE.
It is pulling your head out of your own ass and looking around and acknowledging all the good that is already present.
The best place to start is approving of what is SO.
It is looking around at God's green earth and the flora and fauna and crazy wonderful humans inhabiting it, and finding it good.
The key to getting the good stuff is to start with the good stuff.
And the key to getting things to be better is to start with the good stuff.

The law of physics around having things get better is that things have to be GOOD before they can get BETTER.
If things are bad, they have to get good before they can get better. You can't get from bad to better, you have to get to good first.
The law looks something like this: bad --> good --> better.

The key is to start with good. Then, when things are good - I mean, that's pretty great, right? Could stop right there. But what if things got even better?

I have an awesome relationship. It floors me constantly and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel grateful and blessed for this work of art we've co-created. We've recently had one rocky point where we are not on the same page: around whether to have a child together. And a few months ago we were having a really crappy time figuring this one out, in fact we almost broke up because of how much we were suffering trying to figure it out. It was then pointed out to me that we were having a terrible time and losing big time, while we were figuring it out.

(Enter visual - safe falling on LiYana's head).

Wait a minute? What if we could we have a great time figuring this out? What would that be like?

And what has happened since then is amazing - a torrential deepening of love and appreciation, an easy clarity around what we both fear around having a child, and what would be amazing. All the while a greater sense of partnership and so much more fun and enjoying each other. We're figuring this one out, and having an even better time doing so.

We both pulled our sorry asses out of "bad" and got ourselves to "good" and it keeps getting better and better and better....

These are things I've always known, but sometimes they alternate between peeping and sleeping in me, but now they are roaring and won't shut up. Thankfully.

This is largely due to some amazing courses I have been taking this summer with Morehouse, (www.lafayettemorehouse.com). This is a collective of "Responsible Hedonists," who've been living together successfully for around 40 years, by the simple and delicious philosophies of how to live well and have rich, fun, happy and satisfying lives.

I might get this slightly wrong, but here's the essence of a great quote that sums it all up nicely:

"Your enjoyment is your blessing on God's creation."
- Vic Baranco

Could it be this simple?

The day started out well, my skin waking up next to the skin of my beloved, a clear swath of time devoted to all the things in my business i haven't been able to get to. But by the early afternoon, I felt strange. Uninspired. My goals far off and remote and like I've got to slog a marathon through molasses to get to them. Internet marketing is a stretch for me. Sometimes I enjoy the learning curve and I feel proud and accomplished, like I just cut down a huge tree with only my two arms and a hand-saw. Sometimes I just want to gnaw my own leg off - anything to get out of learning this shit.

When my boyfriend got home, I stepped into the shower and responded dismally to his queries about my day. As he spoke to me through the shower steam, the fog in my head and heart cleared a little and I thought, apparently I only sleep with geniuses. Let me count the ways I love this man. Could it really be this simple? I bet you are wondering what he said to me.

He said a lot of things, but first and foremost he said, "You should just do the things that are fun for you."

Now, I know all this. And most times I live this. But not today. Today I forgot. Today I played the hide and seek game we all love to play as humans: the forgetting and remembering game. Forgetting that life is on our side all along. Remembering that if we follow what we love, if we lean toward what is most fun, like a plant leans toward the sunlight, life opens its richest heart to us.

I stepped away from the computer, made a New Mexican green chili stew, a quinoa salad with cumin and scallions and fruit and nut bars (we're both not eating sugar these days, but still have a sweet tooth!). It felt good to create something tangible, do something I love, and that I am good at! When I sat back down, I made a list of what would be most fun for me as I continue to build my business. I proceeded to write fun and inspired emails. An hour later, someone I hadn't even thought to contact wrote and asked me about creating a workshop series for her new mothers group.

In fact, yes, it really is this simple.


Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine...
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination.
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Taking Space in Thailand

As April heads to a close, your Intrepid Guide finds herself on the wild boarder where Thailand meets Burma. I've thoroughly enjoyed this past month - the steamy street markets and food stalls of Bangkok, the constant call of the crashing waves and the response of the cicadas on our tiny island sanctuary in the gulf of Thailand, and now the relative cool of the rice-terraced mountains of the North.

Having just gone through a rough patch with my boyfriend a few months ago, we are enjoying the fruits of our efforts, recalibrating to a life of love and adventure together. Living on top of each other in and out of asian countries for a year with no real support but each other put more pressure on our relationship than usual. I am blessed and cursed to be with a younger man, which has many advantages (ahem), but also puts us at different stages of life, wanting different things from our lives due to our age/experience. This came to a head a while back, swinging us both into an uncharacteristic space of not being able to work it out together.

These last couple weeks, I notice a trend with my clients that echoes this very one: trying to work out an issue with the very person they are having the issue WITH. It is hard, and often counter-productive - and what to do about it?

The best way I know out of it is to either involve someone else, a "neutral" third party whom you both trust, or take some time and space - or both.

Our choice was to take some serious space. We have always been good about asking for time alone in our four plus years together, but never to the extent of putting tens of thousands of miles between us for a month at a time. I went and stayed with friends for a couple weeks, he went to be with family.

Ah, the benefits of taking time and space! It can be more helpful than any "working at" the issue, like a crowd of busy beavers. Space apart has a way of bathing the issue with a gentle mist that, partnered with time, lifts to reveal things settled, calmer, and somehow clearer.

And no, it doesn't have to be thousands of miles worth of space. Among my clients and family and friends, I have noticed creative, interesting options for "taking space" within relationship.

One client of mine has taken a lover, and she finds that a date once and a while renews her commitment to her relationship to her husband and their kids. (Of course he knows about it).

Another client and her husband worked out that every year they would take one month to be apart and do whatever they wanted, including being lovers with others, with the full understanding they would return to their marriage at the end of the month. They found that having time to be on their own and accountable to no one was a great refresher for their relationship and marriage.

Another, with a business with her partner in a very small town, takes time to travel on her own often for a month at a time, several times a year.

In addition to the drastic thousands of miles approach, my boyfriend and I often take a couple nights a week to do our own thing. I favor alone-time or girl-time, and he favors the movies.

Taking time and space - however much or little - is a opportunity to get centered, regroup as an individual, and mostly to miss your partner. It is important to re-remember all the things you love about them, which are sometimes easy to forget or take for granted when you are together, entwined and on top of each other all the time.

Where did I go during my month across the ocean? I went into the very necessary place of contemplating NOT being together, untwining our lives, and what it would take, emotionally and spiritually, to do it on my own. That was an extreme place to go to, but important. Because of going there, and the gift that time always gives me of seeing my partner for all that he is rather than all he is not, I was able to re-choose clearly and strongly into this relationship. And I do re-choose it, consciously and actively, everyday.

SO where does that leave me and my boyfriend, here in Thailand? Closer than ever.

Free QUICKIE, anyone?

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Man on the half-shell

This morning, from his hammock overlooking the gulf of thailand's salty waves, my boyfriend reports to being "happy as a clam."

He is every woman's dream at the moment: open, sweet, attentive, flirty, sexy, and sharing his thoughts (and feelings!) freely. We share a saucy spark, from heart to heart, and from, well a bit lower than that, too... I relish these times. As much as I know and accept that they come and go, I also study them so I understand the elements that go into creating them, so I can do so with greater ease and facility next time. In the eternal quest to decode and befriend this strange species of shellfish - Man - I wonder what it takes to turn "clammed up" to "happy as a clam?"

Ever the metaphor whore, I start to think about men as mussels. Sometimes men are closed, hard shells clamped down and water-tight, and sometimes they are open, happily offering up their sweet, salty, soft insides, like a Venus, goddess of love, who stands amorously on such a shell. You can't force mussels to open - you might get poisoned - but there is a way to have them open willingly.

Here is my impromptu recipe to do just that:

1. Pluck from natural habitat. Place in a container with some water.

We all get used to our lives, even if our lives are amazing, so going somewhere different, doing something differently or changing it up in some way, necessitates we are more aware and attentive, rejuvenates the senses, and wakes us up a touch. It is so important to create a space that is different than normal, familiar life. This beach in thailand is working well, for sure! But if you can't take a vacation half-way across the world, you can create sacred space, or a container to connect inside of, anywhere, anytime. Set the space, be intentional: it can be as simple as lighting candles if you usually don't, going out for dinner if you usually stay in, turning off the TV, getting in the bath together, or spending a night in a hotel, just for the fun of it.

2. Add heat and steam.

The general rule is that a woman needs emotional connection to be sexually intimate, and a man needs sexual connection to be emotionally intimate. Sort of a catch-22, at times. My boyfriend tells me he pulls away and closes down when I don't prioritize our sensual time, when we are unable to connect, sensually. It is the thing that allows him to feel like we connect deeply, that we are on the same page, and that he is important and won't lose me to work, distractions, etc. And he is right - I often don't prioritize this. I love life in all its forms and minutiae. I call myself an "intellexual," meaning sometimes my work, or a deep and juicy conversation with a girlfriend can be as amazing as sex. But really, tell me, how in the world can I prioritize e-mail over connecting, heart and body, with my love?

So we make it a priority, just like yoga, exercise or work get a fair slot in our lives. At the risk of sounding super-crunchy, I'll share with your our Connection Ritual next posting. In the meantime, create your own, and we can compare notes!

Gramma was almost right: the way to a man's heart might sometimes be his stomach, but usually it is a little bit further on down...

What I Know About Happiness I Learned From Mosquitoes

I am by nature a very peaceful and gentle person. I go out of my way to tend and to nurture - except when it comes to mosquitoes. I am not one ounce sorrowful, only full of glee, when I smush one with my lethal hand-clap, thus removing one more tyrant from the world. And yes, I fully understand I may be born a mosquito in my next life in karmic retribution.

When I am not plotting murder for mosquitoes, I think a lot about the nature of happiness. In fact, the cornerstone of all the work I do revolves around how to put into clear and useful language the art of living a happy, extraordinary life. One of the best ways to get off the crazy-train of running after happiness but never catching it, is to fully understand the nature of thoughts, and the nature of the mind (For a full description, please read "The Nature of the Mind" section on my website: http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/secretsubjects_natureofmind.html).

There are several types of thoughts, but the ones that cause us real suffering are the unhealthy thoughts. These are the pestering, persistent ones that make us feel like shit about ourselves or seriously judge others, or make us worry ad nauseam about the future. My best analogy to date is that unhealthy thoughts are like mosquito bites.

Here's what most of us do: we feel the prick of the mosquito biting and although we reach to slap it away, of course it is too late, so then we begin the frenzy of scratching to ease the itch. We know, in some far off, momentarily inaccessible, part of our brain, that scratching only makes it worse. But at this very moment, we are fitfully sure, scratching it is definitely making things better! We think: I am just about to scratch enough to quench the itch, i know it, just one more scratch! But what happens is the mosquito venom spreads, the welt gets bigger and itchier and angrier and demands to be scratched over and over again, at inopportune times like during dinner with a new date, in meditation and especially in the middle of having sex.

Metaphor breakdown: The mosquito bites are your unhealthy thoughts. Your scratching of the bites is your attention on and belief in your unhealthy thoughts. So here's the key: don't scratch.

What happens if you don't scratch? It itches like crazy for about 10 solid minutes, and you have to sit on your hands to stop from scratching. But then, the itch stops. No welt appears. The mosquito bite goes away. In fact, about 20 minutes later, your skin shows no record of the mosquito bite at all. And so it is with unhealthy thoughts.

As I say over and over again, whatever you put your attention on, grows. Scratch the itch of an unhealthy thought, the unhealthy thought's venom spreads and becomes a big inflamed mess, demanding desperate attention for a very long time, perhaps a lifetime. Some things can help alleviate the itch momentarily, but somehow the itch always comes back.

It is a seductive mania to scratch at unhealthy thoughts, to think about them, to try to solve them, to prove them true or false or to puzzle them through to their conclusion. But there is no end. An unhealthy thought scratched gets scratched into reality. An unhealthy thought acknowledged, then ignored, cries and itches for a bit, then disappears. It is that simple. Happiness and contentment are what you experience in the absence of unhealthy thoughts.

I already have attractive matching anklets of about 20 red welts, most scabbed over from excessive, delirious scratching. These are my proof of what happens when I succumb to the urge to scratch. And given that I am here on this magical tropical southern island in Thailand and there are many more mosquitos lining up to help me with my experimentative process, I decide to take it all a step further and put my Happiness-Mosquito theory to physical practice. So last evening, doing yoga al fresco, I felt the generous contribution of a mosquito chomping on my ankle, right next to an existing welt. But I didn't scratch. I breathed through the itch, fully felt the blush and burn of it, but held back any scratchy scratching. 20 minutes later, the evidence was on my ankle: one old angry be-scratched inflamed welt - and nothing at all to show for the new bite.

And so, here on this gorgeous and generous island paradise, I am very happy to report the dissolution of both unhealthy thoughts and the equally distructive plague of mosquito bites.

PS - Spit helps too.

Out Beyond

Today I led an informal yoga class to four of my dearest friends, who have come to the Philippines to help me and my boyfriend say goodbye to our year here. This last week, I struggle to balance the sunning, adventuring and laughing, with my work of client sessions, website maintenance, workshop preparation and tax returns whilst in a foreign country.

This past week, we've gone high, climbing a volcano with a stunning view of the tiny tropical island, resulting in two scrapes and very sore thighs all around. We've gone low, snorkeling through a giant clam sanctuary and a sunken cemetary, resulting in sunburns all around. We've gone fast and furious, renting motor bikes and driving them over gravel dirt roads, resulting in two wipe-outs, three burns (damn exhaust pipes) and wind in the hair all around. We've gone slow, staring at the brilliant blue ocean, drinking pina coladas over rambling conversation, resulting in a deeper understanding of the benefits of doing nothing.

As we all lay in Shivasana (also known as "corpse pose"), sweaty and happy at the end of class (I do give a rather vigorous and fierce class), a luciously-read Rumi poem came on over the Ipod playlist:

Out beyond right-doing and wrong-doing
There is a feild
I'll meet you there

I want to kiss you
But the price of kissing is your life

Now my loving is running toward my life, yelling
What a bargain
Let's buy it


So, this morning, amid my friends, one single and searching, one about to move in with her new love in a new town, one in a polyamorous relationship with a man and two women, the other with two women and one man, I found myself in such a feild. I took a break from the pressure of doing right the guest-hosting and the business-maintaing. I found myself in a sweet spot, in the living room, on beyond any sense of doing it right or doing it wrong.

There's never a better moment than now to love. There's no right way for that love to look.

Welcome!

I hope you enjoy Baring With Me as much as I like baring it all - around the topic of Re-Defining Monogamy, that is!

You can look forward to my irreverently revent musings, the fruits of my rambling research, as well as answers to and ponderings on questions posed by viewers.

I'll start with an incredibly timely question posed to me from a New York man, getting ready to get pregnant with his girlfriend:

"Does Monogomy need to be re-defined for today's couples to have any chance at longevity?"

Well, I say a big resounding YES.
The things that bound a couple together for the long haul in the past - like rearing children, cultural convention like arranged marriage, no means for divorce, etc - are all falling away around us, like autumn leaves.
The models we have been handed from the past, which may or may not have worked in the past, are less and less likely to work for us now.

At the same time, there has never been so much pressure put on partner/love relationships as now. Somehow, your partner is supposed to be your best friend, confidante, counselor, buddy and sexual partner all rolled into one. In addition, you are magically supposed to be able to mangage the challenges of finances, housekeeping, socializing, eating habits and parenting - all without much information or tools! Wrapping all these different roles into one relationship puts a lot of strain on the relationship. Add to that that you likely never got very good communication skills, especially with someone of the opposite gender - and there is even more pressure on the relationship.

So, YES, relationships need to be re-defined, and re-defined by YOU, by the people HAVING the relationships. There are so many choices available to us, in only the last generation or so. With the slate of your relationships blank, what do you choose? Do you choose to recreate the relationship your parents had? And if so, are there ways you can make that healthier and more sustainable? Do you want to create something different than any of the models you see out there? And if so, what does that look like for you? Do you want a relationship based on traditional monogamy or do you want be able to color outside the lines?

What makes a relationship last in the rapidly shifting time we live in, can only be defined and created, and re-created, by the individuals in the relationship, and in the time. Relationships that are an expression of the unique beings in the relationship - this is a relatively new concept, but it is the only way I can see that rich, rare, sustainable, healthy and extraordinary relationships have a chance to be long-lived.

Asking these questions of yourself are what re-defining is all about, and it can be scary as hell. But it can also be one of the most exciting, enriching, adventurous and courageous things you can do in your lifetime.

"To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform." - Theodore H. White

What to do?
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