There are two past lives I am clear about having:
First one, a recently electro-shocked patient in a mental institution. The walls were putrid green, shiny and the floor hard. There was no way out of that shattered mind.
The second was as a black woman, in a river, with bright red blood running from my recently slit throat, down over my white dress. They had just killed my husband and taken my two babies.
You know about my life-long study and research of mental, physical and spiritual wellness, as evidenced by my work.
Less known, however, is that I always resonated strongly with black culture and spent my childhood devouring the works of Alice Walker and Toni Morrison and later found the key to my dancing career by taking West African dance. Whether or not I am hallucinating my past lives, I have a deep respect for the wisdom - and hard, hard won graciousness - that courses through the veins of black people, especially those in the United States.
This is a beautiful letter, from Alice Walker to our President Elect. May you be as inspired, grateful and an advocate for your health, joy and delight whilst also making the rain come and miracles happen in your own life and community.
"We are the ones we have been waiting for."
- Alice Walker
An Open Letter to Barack Obama, from Alice Walker, writer
Nov. 5, 2008
Dear Brother Obama,
You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done. We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope, previously only sung about.
I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family deserve this fate. One way of thinking about all this is: It is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.
I would further advise you not to take on other people's enemies. Most damage that others do to us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought, "hate the sin, but love the sinner." There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people's spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.
A good model of how to "work with the enemy" internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.
We are the ones we have been waiting for.
In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker
Monday, November 24, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Mother Theresa and Me
I'm in the air on a United flight headed toward Denver, to be interviewed on an episode of the Stuart Davis Show, "Sex, God and Rock & Roll.
I'll be interviewed along with Spiritual Cowgirl, Sera Beak, author of The Red Book (http://www.amazon.com/Red-Book-Deliciously-Unorthodox-Approach/dp/0787980544), which you must immediately purchase and dive into tip to toe - after you finish reading this post, of course. I found and read Sera's book when I was writing my own website, re-defining my life path, passion and what I wanted to put into the world. She'll inspire you to re-define your divinity, devotion and spirituality, in the sassiest, most delicious and intrepid ways possible.
But back to what Stuart and I are going to talk about:
Relationship As A Spiritual Path: Can a relationship do what an ashram does? In what ways do we use spiritual practices, communities or teachers to avoid deeper engagement with ourselves and partners?
Sexuality a a Spiritual Practice: What do I actually DO when I support people to re-define monogamy?
"The Age of Integration": We are at the apex of an evolutionary arc which has thrown people, cultures and perspectives - which previously never could have reached each other - into the melting pot of exchange and contact. What does that mean for relationships?
You'll have to tune in to the interview to get the full discussion (I'll let you know when and how to watch it), but the heart of it is that relationships, or should I say relating (the active, kinetic and dynamic verb form, rather than the static noun form) and sex most certainly can be profound, life-long spiritual path.
There is no place that is not holy, no moment that can't offer you opening to God. Perhaps there is no better place than relationships.
The way I see it, spirituality is a path, a journey, a way, with some goals along the way:
- To become fully adult human beings, to ripen the mind, body and emotions in order to awaken to the truth of who we are.
- To align with what matters, and know that nothing really matters. To be a loving, loved human being, wringing all sacred and irreverent experience from this incarnation.
- To mature the mind, body and emotions to have the experience of unity, rather than duality and separateness.
- To align our humanity with divinity; is is our humanity's interplay with divinity.
- To achieve the goal of awakening and/or enlightenment, which to come to know, beyond doubt, from direct experience, Who We Are, What does not die, That which exists always, even when the body dies.
Anything in life, with clear intention, can offer spiritual path; relationship, ashram, dancing, the dishes...
We can get confused and think that being really nice, selfless, generous and meditating a lot is very spiritual, and is what enlightenment and spirituality is about. Enlightenment and spirituality are nothing but kissing cousins, but that's for another blog post. Spirituality isn't about being Good; its about aligning with and acting from love, devotion, celebration and enjoyment as our default, not because it gets us sainted or points in heaven, but because it feels the best and is the most fun, and opens us to divinity the quickest.
As says Mother Theresa:
* PEOPLE are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
* If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
* If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
* If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
* What you take years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
* If you find serenity and joy, some may be jealous. Be joyful anyway.
* The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
* Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
* In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
Relationships seem like they are "between you and them," and on one level they are; they do ripen us into our humanity. Relationships are also a microcosm of what's most sacred, "between you and God."
I'll be interviewed along with Spiritual Cowgirl, Sera Beak, author of The Red Book (http://www.amazon.com/Red-Book-Deliciously-Unorthodox-Approach/dp/0787980544), which you must immediately purchase and dive into tip to toe - after you finish reading this post, of course. I found and read Sera's book when I was writing my own website, re-defining my life path, passion and what I wanted to put into the world. She'll inspire you to re-define your divinity, devotion and spirituality, in the sassiest, most delicious and intrepid ways possible.
But back to what Stuart and I are going to talk about:
Relationship As A Spiritual Path: Can a relationship do what an ashram does? In what ways do we use spiritual practices, communities or teachers to avoid deeper engagement with ourselves and partners?
Sexuality a a Spiritual Practice: What do I actually DO when I support people to re-define monogamy?
"The Age of Integration": We are at the apex of an evolutionary arc which has thrown people, cultures and perspectives - which previously never could have reached each other - into the melting pot of exchange and contact. What does that mean for relationships?
You'll have to tune in to the interview to get the full discussion (I'll let you know when and how to watch it), but the heart of it is that relationships, or should I say relating (the active, kinetic and dynamic verb form, rather than the static noun form) and sex most certainly can be profound, life-long spiritual path.
There is no place that is not holy, no moment that can't offer you opening to God. Perhaps there is no better place than relationships.
The way I see it, spirituality is a path, a journey, a way, with some goals along the way:
- To become fully adult human beings, to ripen the mind, body and emotions in order to awaken to the truth of who we are.
- To align with what matters, and know that nothing really matters. To be a loving, loved human being, wringing all sacred and irreverent experience from this incarnation.
- To mature the mind, body and emotions to have the experience of unity, rather than duality and separateness.
- To align our humanity with divinity; is is our humanity's interplay with divinity.
- To achieve the goal of awakening and/or enlightenment, which to come to know, beyond doubt, from direct experience, Who We Are, What does not die, That which exists always, even when the body dies.
Anything in life, with clear intention, can offer spiritual path; relationship, ashram, dancing, the dishes...
We can get confused and think that being really nice, selfless, generous and meditating a lot is very spiritual, and is what enlightenment and spirituality is about. Enlightenment and spirituality are nothing but kissing cousins, but that's for another blog post. Spirituality isn't about being Good; its about aligning with and acting from love, devotion, celebration and enjoyment as our default, not because it gets us sainted or points in heaven, but because it feels the best and is the most fun, and opens us to divinity the quickest.
As says Mother Theresa:
* PEOPLE are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
* If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
* If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
* If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
* What you take years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
* If you find serenity and joy, some may be jealous. Be joyful anyway.
* The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
* Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
* In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
Relationships seem like they are "between you and them," and on one level they are; they do ripen us into our humanity. Relationships are also a microcosm of what's most sacred, "between you and God."
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Colors
Tonight my mother asked me to find this poem on google, I believe to read at my father's memorial tomorrow. My sister lost her husband only a few months ago, and so I dedicate this to my own husband-to-be, whom I only hope with all my heart to have as much time as a liftetime with, as my mother and sister had with theirs...
Colours
When your face
appeared over my crumpled life
at first I understood
only the poverty of what I have.
Then its particular light
on woods, on rivers, on the sea,
became my beginning in the coloured world
in which I had not yet had my beginning.
I am so frightened, I am so frightened,
of the unexpected sunrise finishing,
of revelations
and tears and the excitement finishing.
I don't fight it, my love is this fear,
I nourish it who can nourish nothing,
love's slipshod watchman.
Fear hems me in.
I am conscious that these minutes are short
and that the colours in my eyes will vanish
when your face sets.
Yevgeny Yevtushenko
Colours
When your face
appeared over my crumpled life
at first I understood
only the poverty of what I have.
Then its particular light
on woods, on rivers, on the sea,
became my beginning in the coloured world
in which I had not yet had my beginning.
I am so frightened, I am so frightened,
of the unexpected sunrise finishing,
of revelations
and tears and the excitement finishing.
I don't fight it, my love is this fear,
I nourish it who can nourish nothing,
love's slipshod watchman.
Fear hems me in.
I am conscious that these minutes are short
and that the colours in my eyes will vanish
when your face sets.
Yevgeny Yevtushenko
Friendship and Mortality
on thursday, october 23, my father, roland lazarus silver, passed away
he died at 80 years old, after a long, painful struggle with cancer and radiation
although i spent the months up to this time asking myself if there was anything to "resolve" with him and felt loving and completely at peace with our relationship, people told me there would always be something unsaid or that i would wish to know
and there is - i wish to know more about his life: his mistakes, his proudest moments, his passions, his thoughts, his adventures, his loves, his losses; not as a role model or father, but as an intelligent, self-made man, a kindred traveler, a fascinating and perfectly flawed fellow human being
15 years ago, my childhood home caught fire, and along with everything else, all our family photos were incinerated; afterward, friends and family sent us copies of photos, some replacements, some entirely new-to-us or long-forgotten
out of loss came, pieced together, new fragments, even more precious since they came anew, gathered by friends near and far
the following is a letter from my mother's first husband, whom she was with before she met my father
it is beautiful of it's own account, but it also paints a resplendent fragment of my father's life, rescued from his ashes, a detail that would otherwise would have died with him last week
----
A friend of mine died today. He was not a close friend; indeed, although I knew him for 45 years, I barely knew him at all, and some people would be surprised that I considered him a friend.
Rollo Silver was 80 years old. He died in a hospital in the Boston area where I first knew him, although he spent the last half of his life living in New Mexico. Rollo was married to my first wife, Beverly. Even though Beverly and I were married for ten years, she spent most of her life with Rollo, and he spent half of his life with her. Our children spent more time under Rollo's roof than under mine,
I was in my late 20s, Rollo in his early 30s when we first met. We were both living in Brookline and had some friends in common. I always found him intriguing because he had an uncommonly vast store of knowledge, a widely ranging curiosity, and a penetrating imagination. He and I shared an interest in futurist speculation and in trying to examine experience without preconceptions. Yet he had an aloof stance that often put me off, and so I sometimes judged him to be too "way out" for me, somewhat strange. Nevertheless I liked him a lot.
Unbeknownst to me, he and Beverly fell in love at some point, and eventually she left me to be with him. Friendships usually end when such things happen, but I was surprised - after several years of anger and resentment - to find myself on friendly terms with both Rollo and Beverly. There was always some tension between us. Reflecting on this, I came to think that both of us strove to be non-judgmental and non-competitive in our dealings with others, but that we aroused these traits in each other when we were together. So an uneasy relationship precluded a close friendship. And yet we were friends.
Rollo was something of a "renaissance man". He translated his love of mathematics into beautiful pictures based on the Mandelbrot set, and he played Mozart angelically on the piano. He founded a commune of sorts in New Mexico, and he developed the practical skills needed to get by on very little in that environment. He abandoned a career at MIT but he continued to work as a computer scientist.
He and Beverly with the help of a host of friends built a beautiful house on the Lama mountainside. The bricks were made by hand, rammed earth with cement, dried like adobe in the New Mexico sun. Some of those bricks included my labor, and somehow that helped me "cement" our friendship. The house burned down in a wildfire, but the brick walls are still intact.
In one of our last conversations, Rollo reminisced nostalgically about a cross-country trip he took in his teens, right after WWII. He rode the rails with a friend, like hobos of the 30s, and he told me of the powerful effect of lying on a flatcar and watching the stars overhead in the summer sky. It's an image that has lingered with me, of his heart longing for unity with the rest of nature, while his intellect sought to understand nature deeply. I felt the experience he described --- and I felt it was as much about the end of the journey as about its beginning. In some strange way, I rode the rails with him. It's true that over the years Rollo and I hardly ever met or spoke. Even so, there was something we shared, hard to pin down. I'm calling it friendship.
As we age, notions of our mortality become more present in our minds and hearts. Any death will bring these ideas to the surface, but the passing of a friend makes them truly vivid. Not surprisingly, today dying was on my mind.
Reflecting today on Rollo's passing, I thought about how much of our lives are inhabited by our friends; by laughter with friends, by tension between friends, by shared experiences with friends, by simply being friends.
Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by a longing to be with my friends. There are so many friends that I haven't seen recently, that I haven't spoken to for a while, that I haven't corresponded with for some time, that I miss in my life.
If you received this letter from me, it's because you are in that number. You are one of the friends that I miss, even if I saw you yesterday. I wanted to write to you today because even though I expect to live a lot longer, I am reminded that any one of us could die tomorrow.
he died at 80 years old, after a long, painful struggle with cancer and radiation
although i spent the months up to this time asking myself if there was anything to "resolve" with him and felt loving and completely at peace with our relationship, people told me there would always be something unsaid or that i would wish to know
and there is - i wish to know more about his life: his mistakes, his proudest moments, his passions, his thoughts, his adventures, his loves, his losses; not as a role model or father, but as an intelligent, self-made man, a kindred traveler, a fascinating and perfectly flawed fellow human being
15 years ago, my childhood home caught fire, and along with everything else, all our family photos were incinerated; afterward, friends and family sent us copies of photos, some replacements, some entirely new-to-us or long-forgotten
out of loss came, pieced together, new fragments, even more precious since they came anew, gathered by friends near and far
the following is a letter from my mother's first husband, whom she was with before she met my father
it is beautiful of it's own account, but it also paints a resplendent fragment of my father's life, rescued from his ashes, a detail that would otherwise would have died with him last week
----
A friend of mine died today. He was not a close friend; indeed, although I knew him for 45 years, I barely knew him at all, and some people would be surprised that I considered him a friend.
Rollo Silver was 80 years old. He died in a hospital in the Boston area where I first knew him, although he spent the last half of his life living in New Mexico. Rollo was married to my first wife, Beverly. Even though Beverly and I were married for ten years, she spent most of her life with Rollo, and he spent half of his life with her. Our children spent more time under Rollo's roof than under mine,
I was in my late 20s, Rollo in his early 30s when we first met. We were both living in Brookline and had some friends in common. I always found him intriguing because he had an uncommonly vast store of knowledge, a widely ranging curiosity, and a penetrating imagination. He and I shared an interest in futurist speculation and in trying to examine experience without preconceptions. Yet he had an aloof stance that often put me off, and so I sometimes judged him to be too "way out" for me, somewhat strange. Nevertheless I liked him a lot.
Unbeknownst to me, he and Beverly fell in love at some point, and eventually she left me to be with him. Friendships usually end when such things happen, but I was surprised - after several years of anger and resentment - to find myself on friendly terms with both Rollo and Beverly. There was always some tension between us. Reflecting on this, I came to think that both of us strove to be non-judgmental and non-competitive in our dealings with others, but that we aroused these traits in each other when we were together. So an uneasy relationship precluded a close friendship. And yet we were friends.
Rollo was something of a "renaissance man". He translated his love of mathematics into beautiful pictures based on the Mandelbrot set, and he played Mozart angelically on the piano. He founded a commune of sorts in New Mexico, and he developed the practical skills needed to get by on very little in that environment. He abandoned a career at MIT but he continued to work as a computer scientist.
He and Beverly with the help of a host of friends built a beautiful house on the Lama mountainside. The bricks were made by hand, rammed earth with cement, dried like adobe in the New Mexico sun. Some of those bricks included my labor, and somehow that helped me "cement" our friendship. The house burned down in a wildfire, but the brick walls are still intact.
In one of our last conversations, Rollo reminisced nostalgically about a cross-country trip he took in his teens, right after WWII. He rode the rails with a friend, like hobos of the 30s, and he told me of the powerful effect of lying on a flatcar and watching the stars overhead in the summer sky. It's an image that has lingered with me, of his heart longing for unity with the rest of nature, while his intellect sought to understand nature deeply. I felt the experience he described --- and I felt it was as much about the end of the journey as about its beginning. In some strange way, I rode the rails with him. It's true that over the years Rollo and I hardly ever met or spoke. Even so, there was something we shared, hard to pin down. I'm calling it friendship.
As we age, notions of our mortality become more present in our minds and hearts. Any death will bring these ideas to the surface, but the passing of a friend makes them truly vivid. Not surprisingly, today dying was on my mind.
Reflecting today on Rollo's passing, I thought about how much of our lives are inhabited by our friends; by laughter with friends, by tension between friends, by shared experiences with friends, by simply being friends.
Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by a longing to be with my friends. There are so many friends that I haven't seen recently, that I haven't spoken to for a while, that I haven't corresponded with for some time, that I miss in my life.
If you received this letter from me, it's because you are in that number. You are one of the friends that I miss, even if I saw you yesterday. I wanted to write to you today because even though I expect to live a lot longer, I am reminded that any one of us could die tomorrow.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Men are great
All the time I have men showing up as kings, princes, saviors, heros and gods.
This is partly to do with them, and a lot to do with me.
With the eyes I see them with.
With what I've done with my anger toward them (felt it, channeled it, loved it down).
With the language, "ManSpeak" I've learned over many embarrassing years.
With the simple skills needed to at once honor and make receptive any man.
I love, respect and cherish men.
They love, respect and cherish me right back, 10-fold.
It was not always so.
I get all in a lather about this stuff, and want you to have it too.
You can and you will by doing anything and everything I have to offer:
Powerful Women in Partnership & Holding Space for Powerful Women
2-Part Tele-Class Series:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/teleseinar.html
Find Yourself in a Rockin' Relationship
Become More of Yourself Without Settling for Less!
... a workshop intensive for women:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/LSWworkshop.html
Or, you'll figure it out on your own.
Maybe it will take a few years or lifetimes longer - maybe not.
But whenever we can share this great stuff, let's do.
It's so fun, such a relief, so delicious here.
Come join me and the great men.
If you can't find them, conjure them into being by enhancing YOU.
This is partly to do with them, and a lot to do with me.
With the eyes I see them with.
With what I've done with my anger toward them (felt it, channeled it, loved it down).
With the language, "ManSpeak" I've learned over many embarrassing years.
With the simple skills needed to at once honor and make receptive any man.
I love, respect and cherish men.
They love, respect and cherish me right back, 10-fold.
It was not always so.
I get all in a lather about this stuff, and want you to have it too.
You can and you will by doing anything and everything I have to offer:
Powerful Women in Partnership & Holding Space for Powerful Women
2-Part Tele-Class Series:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/teleseinar.html
Find Yourself in a Rockin' Relationship
Become More of Yourself Without Settling for Less!
... a workshop intensive for women:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/LSWworkshop.html
Or, you'll figure it out on your own.
Maybe it will take a few years or lifetimes longer - maybe not.
But whenever we can share this great stuff, let's do.
It's so fun, such a relief, so delicious here.
Come join me and the great men.
If you can't find them, conjure them into being by enhancing YOU.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The Experiment
The Experiment
I have to admit to you something I'm kind of sheepish to admit. In fact just yesterday, a girlfriend of mine and I were walking downtown on the streets of the Upper West Side in Manhattan, and she said to me in her respectful (not) way, "I can't believe you're not over that yet."
Thanks, girlfriend.
I was speaking about an experiment I've been doing: taking on full-cloth doing and committing to and putting energy into only those things that I truly love. If it is full of juice and excitement for me, I go for it. If it doesn't, I pass. For example, I know the path to a successful, passive-income rich website that gives great content and products to the world, complete with internet marketing, search-engine optimization, affiliate programs, list-building, etc. I know HOW to do it, I just would rather gnaw off my own leg than do it. I'm not interested, really, although there's part of me that's sure I should be.
This is hard for me because coded deep in the instinctual layers of my cells is the assertion that I need to work hard to get the things I want. I used to live day in and out like this, auditioning in across Europe and in New York City as a dancer, working three jobs and all that. I worked hard, really, really hard. I got some of the things I was working so hard to get, but there's always room to work harder - at least in the nooks and crannies of my mind. I'm sheepish because I'm still "not over" the nagging concern that for things to work out, I've got to do things I hate and work really hard at all of it.
Now, things have really changed. Over the last 10 years, I did enough personal growth on this topic to kill a small horse. And I'm pretty great, remanants, though there may be. I essentially created for myself the 4-Hour Workweek, LiYana style. I'm a "Relationship Whisperer." Relationships tend to flourish around me, much to my delight. I've got a blessed, amazing life, a relationship that is a living, breathing work of art, I don't worry about money, I have extraordinary friends and colleagues that serve the world in amazing life-affirming ways and kick my butt when I need it. I've got a healthy body and mind, I have freedom and I am deeply well person. I don't mind working hard, in fact the racehorse in me loves it and if I don't get out for a run around the track now and again I get antsy. And if I took a long look at it, most of the amazing things I've created did come out of hard work - but only after some letting go, getting out of my way, following my instinct.
It's much better to let go, get out of my own way, follow my instinct - and align with what truly lights me up and turns me on FIRST, and then do some hard work based on that. Hard work for hard work's sake is for the birds. (Sorry, birds).
But every now and again I forget. I think I need a will, and will only. I think I need to take the hard path, the path through the dark, scary windy wood. Like I need to build more character or something. So I am experimenting to see if I can forget less and less.
I think it's my rock-hard will that speaks says nice (not!) things like, "Everything in your life you've ever gotten you've gotten by working harder, longer and with more pain than anyone else. It was me, your iron will that got you anything you ever wanted. You want to stop using me now? Are you crazy? You'll forget all about these things you love, the creative fire in you will go out, and then it will be too late and you'll be too lazy, broken or stupid to ever recover or bounce back! Don't even think about surrendering to the flow and ebb of creativity, to align yourself to the magic and serendipity that really rules the universe. A time to reap, a time to sow? I time to rest, a time to work? Bah! It's only time to work. Anything else is time wasted! Are you crazy? Don't let go!"
As it goes on and on it gets screetchier and more anxious. Sounds a lot like the fear of forgetting.
So, how's the experiment going?
Amazing, my friends, amazing. I got a call the other day from a guy who heard about me from a guy I worked with and asked me to be a featured guest and panelist on his talk show, The Stuart Davis Show (stay tuned for details); I got an email from a publisher in New York who found my website (found my website? How does anyone actually find my website if it's not search-engine optimized????) and asked, "Ever thought about writing a book?" The proposal goes out next week. I got flown out to New York to speak at a conference on Polyamory and be a part of a summit meeting/think tank to help envision the future for conscious, loving, responsible relationships, including non-monogamous ones. I'll be interviewed along with Susan Crain Bakos on a live Cable TV show in three weeks. A friend of mine said, "Hey, I know a guy who knows a guy.... want to write an audio series product with me?" If the products are a go (with that guy who knows a guy), we'll make a shipload of money.
However, internet marketing is a good thing, even though I don't want to do it. I was having dinner with a girlfriend who LOVES it and can't quite understand that I am missing the gene that loves to spend 80 hours a week on the stuff. I told her, "I can't strategize or envision a killer marketing plan like you can in your sleep, but what I am good at is manifesting one-in-a-million things: things that don't exist, shouldn't exist, are so rare and ridiculous, except for one time in one million."
And today I think I found that one-in-a-million guy who's an expert at all the nasty business I mentioned above (internet marketing, search engine optimization, affiliate programs, list-building - pthhhhooooey). The experiment continues; aligning with what I deeply love and care about continues to bear extraordinary fruit, even though, as my girlfriend says, "I'm not over that yet."
I have to admit to you something I'm kind of sheepish to admit. In fact just yesterday, a girlfriend of mine and I were walking downtown on the streets of the Upper West Side in Manhattan, and she said to me in her respectful (not) way, "I can't believe you're not over that yet."
Thanks, girlfriend.
I was speaking about an experiment I've been doing: taking on full-cloth doing and committing to and putting energy into only those things that I truly love. If it is full of juice and excitement for me, I go for it. If it doesn't, I pass. For example, I know the path to a successful, passive-income rich website that gives great content and products to the world, complete with internet marketing, search-engine optimization, affiliate programs, list-building, etc. I know HOW to do it, I just would rather gnaw off my own leg than do it. I'm not interested, really, although there's part of me that's sure I should be.
This is hard for me because coded deep in the instinctual layers of my cells is the assertion that I need to work hard to get the things I want. I used to live day in and out like this, auditioning in across Europe and in New York City as a dancer, working three jobs and all that. I worked hard, really, really hard. I got some of the things I was working so hard to get, but there's always room to work harder - at least in the nooks and crannies of my mind. I'm sheepish because I'm still "not over" the nagging concern that for things to work out, I've got to do things I hate and work really hard at all of it.
Now, things have really changed. Over the last 10 years, I did enough personal growth on this topic to kill a small horse. And I'm pretty great, remanants, though there may be. I essentially created for myself the 4-Hour Workweek, LiYana style. I'm a "Relationship Whisperer." Relationships tend to flourish around me, much to my delight. I've got a blessed, amazing life, a relationship that is a living, breathing work of art, I don't worry about money, I have extraordinary friends and colleagues that serve the world in amazing life-affirming ways and kick my butt when I need it. I've got a healthy body and mind, I have freedom and I am deeply well person. I don't mind working hard, in fact the racehorse in me loves it and if I don't get out for a run around the track now and again I get antsy. And if I took a long look at it, most of the amazing things I've created did come out of hard work - but only after some letting go, getting out of my way, following my instinct.
It's much better to let go, get out of my own way, follow my instinct - and align with what truly lights me up and turns me on FIRST, and then do some hard work based on that. Hard work for hard work's sake is for the birds. (Sorry, birds).
But every now and again I forget. I think I need a will, and will only. I think I need to take the hard path, the path through the dark, scary windy wood. Like I need to build more character or something. So I am experimenting to see if I can forget less and less.
I think it's my rock-hard will that speaks says nice (not!) things like, "Everything in your life you've ever gotten you've gotten by working harder, longer and with more pain than anyone else. It was me, your iron will that got you anything you ever wanted. You want to stop using me now? Are you crazy? You'll forget all about these things you love, the creative fire in you will go out, and then it will be too late and you'll be too lazy, broken or stupid to ever recover or bounce back! Don't even think about surrendering to the flow and ebb of creativity, to align yourself to the magic and serendipity that really rules the universe. A time to reap, a time to sow? I time to rest, a time to work? Bah! It's only time to work. Anything else is time wasted! Are you crazy? Don't let go!"
As it goes on and on it gets screetchier and more anxious. Sounds a lot like the fear of forgetting.
So, how's the experiment going?
Amazing, my friends, amazing. I got a call the other day from a guy who heard about me from a guy I worked with and asked me to be a featured guest and panelist on his talk show, The Stuart Davis Show (stay tuned for details); I got an email from a publisher in New York who found my website (found my website? How does anyone actually find my website if it's not search-engine optimized????) and asked, "Ever thought about writing a book?" The proposal goes out next week. I got flown out to New York to speak at a conference on Polyamory and be a part of a summit meeting/think tank to help envision the future for conscious, loving, responsible relationships, including non-monogamous ones. I'll be interviewed along with Susan Crain Bakos on a live Cable TV show in three weeks. A friend of mine said, "Hey, I know a guy who knows a guy.... want to write an audio series product with me?" If the products are a go (with that guy who knows a guy), we'll make a shipload of money.
However, internet marketing is a good thing, even though I don't want to do it. I was having dinner with a girlfriend who LOVES it and can't quite understand that I am missing the gene that loves to spend 80 hours a week on the stuff. I told her, "I can't strategize or envision a killer marketing plan like you can in your sleep, but what I am good at is manifesting one-in-a-million things: things that don't exist, shouldn't exist, are so rare and ridiculous, except for one time in one million."
And today I think I found that one-in-a-million guy who's an expert at all the nasty business I mentioned above (internet marketing, search engine optimization, affiliate programs, list-building - pthhhhooooey). The experiment continues; aligning with what I deeply love and care about continues to bear extraordinary fruit, even though, as my girlfriend says, "I'm not over that yet."
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Violence + Domination = Sex?
In a moment I am going to get erudite on your ass, quoting from the esteemed Riane Eisler's "Sacred Pleasure" which is a dense, remarkable anthropological look at ...
What happened to replace partnership-based relating with what we've got now, mostly: a dominator/dominated model of relating?
What happened to goddess-inclusive religions?
And what happened to UNLINK sex/sensuality with pleasure and RELINK sex/sensuality with violence and domination?
To get the whole story, you too will have to plow through this tome as I've been doing (actually, the geek in my thoroughly enjoys it!) - or just stay tuned as I expound on the best parts!
The Roman culture is one of those displaying the patriarchal practices of dominator/dominated relating, slavery of men and women, and a strong link between sex and violence and war. Although it puts men in one camp and women in another, a bit too much for my taste, this is an amazing piece of information:
"But for all their idealization of the power of the phallus, if we look at the compulsive sexual excesses of the Romans, we see that what they reflect is actually a sexual powerlessness: the powerlessness to feel real sexual and emotional fulfillment.
For what we are today learning about sexually obsessive and compulsive behaviors is that they generally stem from an inability to fully experience bodily sensations and a full range of emotions. In other words, behind the seemingly insatiable appetite for sex and cruelty of many Romans lies a dominator psychosexual armoring that effectively blocks the full experiencing of bodily and emotional sensations.
It is this same psychosexual armoring that in our time continues to drive men to ever more sexual conquests, to the "excitement" of warfare, and to all the other frantic compulsions that fuel both war and the war of the sexes. It is this armoring - and the seething frustrations inherent in a dominator/dominated way of structuring human relations - that in our time still find expression in mass media in celluloid violence and cruelty ... And it is also this psychosexual armoring that is both expressed and fostered by a modern pornographic industry where men's violent domination and humiliation of women is presented to us as exciting and sexually arousing entertainment.
So it is not only women whose sexuality has been suppressed and distorted in dominator societies, to the degree that many women still today are incapable of expressing themselves sexually, much less reaching orgasm ... It is also men's sexuality that has been distorted and stunted, so that for all their obsession with the power of the phallus, many men are still today essentially cut off from the very essence of sexual power: the capacity to freely give and fully experience sexual pleasure."
Why tire my little fingers typing this in for you?
It's what I am most fascinated with: why is the only relationship model available to us a dominator/dominated one? Oppressor/oppressee? War of the sexes? Why do we have to have a war of the sexes at all?
Where's true partnership? Not bland equality, but true partnership where both people are invited to be whole, individual and expressed, to enjoy their strengths and weaknesses, to stand, hand in hand, looking out over the same vistas, allies.
Where's true partnership? Offering the information, skills, practices and tools to have one for yourself, my friend, is what my entire life is about.
What happened to replace partnership-based relating with what we've got now, mostly: a dominator/dominated model of relating?
What happened to goddess-inclusive religions?
And what happened to UNLINK sex/sensuality with pleasure and RELINK sex/sensuality with violence and domination?
To get the whole story, you too will have to plow through this tome as I've been doing (actually, the geek in my thoroughly enjoys it!) - or just stay tuned as I expound on the best parts!
The Roman culture is one of those displaying the patriarchal practices of dominator/dominated relating, slavery of men and women, and a strong link between sex and violence and war. Although it puts men in one camp and women in another, a bit too much for my taste, this is an amazing piece of information:
"But for all their idealization of the power of the phallus, if we look at the compulsive sexual excesses of the Romans, we see that what they reflect is actually a sexual powerlessness: the powerlessness to feel real sexual and emotional fulfillment.
For what we are today learning about sexually obsessive and compulsive behaviors is that they generally stem from an inability to fully experience bodily sensations and a full range of emotions. In other words, behind the seemingly insatiable appetite for sex and cruelty of many Romans lies a dominator psychosexual armoring that effectively blocks the full experiencing of bodily and emotional sensations.
It is this same psychosexual armoring that in our time continues to drive men to ever more sexual conquests, to the "excitement" of warfare, and to all the other frantic compulsions that fuel both war and the war of the sexes. It is this armoring - and the seething frustrations inherent in a dominator/dominated way of structuring human relations - that in our time still find expression in mass media in celluloid violence and cruelty ... And it is also this psychosexual armoring that is both expressed and fostered by a modern pornographic industry where men's violent domination and humiliation of women is presented to us as exciting and sexually arousing entertainment.
So it is not only women whose sexuality has been suppressed and distorted in dominator societies, to the degree that many women still today are incapable of expressing themselves sexually, much less reaching orgasm ... It is also men's sexuality that has been distorted and stunted, so that for all their obsession with the power of the phallus, many men are still today essentially cut off from the very essence of sexual power: the capacity to freely give and fully experience sexual pleasure."
Why tire my little fingers typing this in for you?
It's what I am most fascinated with: why is the only relationship model available to us a dominator/dominated one? Oppressor/oppressee? War of the sexes? Why do we have to have a war of the sexes at all?
Where's true partnership? Not bland equality, but true partnership where both people are invited to be whole, individual and expressed, to enjoy their strengths and weaknesses, to stand, hand in hand, looking out over the same vistas, allies.
Where's true partnership? Offering the information, skills, practices and tools to have one for yourself, my friend, is what my entire life is about.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
You are not broken, lazy or stupid
This is the most blunt way I can sum up the many elegant presuppositions of the training program I am in right now.
If you aren't getting what you most want in life (a satisfying relationship, getting to the gym, a new job, self-confidence, etc), despite your efforts, desires and hopes toward getting it - AND if you CAN'T (just for a moment, I know it's hard) assume it's because you are defective, broken, lazy or stupid, what exactly might be at work? If you are an elegant, well-working human being, then what? Why don't you have these things you want so much?
That is the compelling, head-scratching question I can now answer, as I enter the final lap of training (1.5 years) at NLP Marin (www.nlpmarin.com), a little saintly school in the bay area of California that I happened upon by chance a year ago.
I once again find myself studying from masters, at the feet of great teaching, reveling in the learning of it all, the elegant, deeply human, swift and remarkable tools to support folks to get what it is they want most.
I find I can no longer tolerate a coach/client relationship that is judgmental, shaming, blaming or based on "breaking through"; or that attempts to cut away or remove unwanted parts, however subtle that might have been in my training until now. Who am I to tell you how it is for you? You know. We'll find out together. Yes, my role and training is as the one that can see what you can't see, since it's so close and in a blind spot like one's own nose on one's face. I am simply the one that can observe, be curious and ask. The proof is in your experience.
How arrogant to think we can surgically remove an unwanted part so that we can finally be the upstanding person who hope we might be. How incredibly complex, but amazing, is the human being. And how great is the job to offer someone to get what they want most, without cutting anything away at all.
It is with great gratitude that I think of my training, exhausted as I am from a weekend full of it. I thought I'd get some more training under my belt to better work with clients. I got that and also got swept up in a wave of a deeply humanizing body of knowledge.
I am a better human being because of it.
If you aren't getting what you most want in life (a satisfying relationship, getting to the gym, a new job, self-confidence, etc), despite your efforts, desires and hopes toward getting it - AND if you CAN'T (just for a moment, I know it's hard) assume it's because you are defective, broken, lazy or stupid, what exactly might be at work? If you are an elegant, well-working human being, then what? Why don't you have these things you want so much?
That is the compelling, head-scratching question I can now answer, as I enter the final lap of training (1.5 years) at NLP Marin (www.nlpmarin.com), a little saintly school in the bay area of California that I happened upon by chance a year ago.
I once again find myself studying from masters, at the feet of great teaching, reveling in the learning of it all, the elegant, deeply human, swift and remarkable tools to support folks to get what it is they want most.
I find I can no longer tolerate a coach/client relationship that is judgmental, shaming, blaming or based on "breaking through"; or that attempts to cut away or remove unwanted parts, however subtle that might have been in my training until now. Who am I to tell you how it is for you? You know. We'll find out together. Yes, my role and training is as the one that can see what you can't see, since it's so close and in a blind spot like one's own nose on one's face. I am simply the one that can observe, be curious and ask. The proof is in your experience.
How arrogant to think we can surgically remove an unwanted part so that we can finally be the upstanding person who hope we might be. How incredibly complex, but amazing, is the human being. And how great is the job to offer someone to get what they want most, without cutting anything away at all.
It is with great gratitude that I think of my training, exhausted as I am from a weekend full of it. I thought I'd get some more training under my belt to better work with clients. I got that and also got swept up in a wave of a deeply humanizing body of knowledge.
I am a better human being because of it.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Thus Spake LiYana
OK, that is a terrible allusion, but don't hold it against me.
Come hear me speak on "The Power to ReDefine Monogamy"
at the Eighth Annual Polyamory Pride Weekend
Approximately 3:30pm
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Great Hill, 106th Street & Central Park West (map below)
Central Park, New York City
I am excited to speak to such an expressed, responsible, enthusiastic group of people; those who consider themselves to wear the moniker of Polyamory are among the most responsible, fun, considerate and articulate people I know of. They are "black belt" communicators, impeccable with their boundaries and loving human beings. Certainly, there are some Polyamorous jerks out there, but I've yet to meet them.
So, if you, too, wear this badge of Polyamory, or if you are mildly, medium-ly or extra spicey-ly interested in the world of responsible non-monogamy, come check out the festivities.
Especially me! ;-)
Here's all about it:
For all Polyamorous, Poly-friendly and Poly-curious people and their families, join Polyamorous NYC for a full weeekend of events and a long list of leaders and experts from all over the country - including yours truly!
* Friday, October 3rd, 7:30 -10:00pm: Super-Massive Cuddle Party!
The largest Cuddle Party of the year.
* Saturday, October 4th, 12:00 - 6:00pm: The Main Event:
Picnic+Rally in Central Park on Saturday with an all-star list of entertainers
and speakers.
* Saturday, October 4th, 9:00 - 1:00am: The Poly Party:
The after-party to meet and mingle.
* Sunday, October 5th, 12:30 - 2:30pm: Read & Sign with experts and authors
and some of the most prominent books on Polyamory.
For more information, check out: http://www.poly-nyc.com/pride.html
MAP: the entrance to Great Hill is up the stairs at 106th & CPW:
Come hear me speak on "The Power to ReDefine Monogamy"
at the Eighth Annual Polyamory Pride Weekend
Approximately 3:30pm
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Great Hill, 106th Street & Central Park West (map below)
Central Park, New York City
I am excited to speak to such an expressed, responsible, enthusiastic group of people; those who consider themselves to wear the moniker of Polyamory are among the most responsible, fun, considerate and articulate people I know of. They are "black belt" communicators, impeccable with their boundaries and loving human beings. Certainly, there are some Polyamorous jerks out there, but I've yet to meet them.
So, if you, too, wear this badge of Polyamory, or if you are mildly, medium-ly or extra spicey-ly interested in the world of responsible non-monogamy, come check out the festivities.
Especially me! ;-)
Here's all about it:
For all Polyamorous, Poly-friendly and Poly-curious people and their families, join Polyamorous NYC for a full weeekend of events and a long list of leaders and experts from all over the country - including yours truly!
* Friday, October 3rd, 7:30 -10:00pm: Super-Massive Cuddle Party!
The largest Cuddle Party of the year.
* Saturday, October 4th, 12:00 - 6:00pm: The Main Event:
Picnic+Rally in Central Park on Saturday with an all-star list of entertainers
and speakers.
* Saturday, October 4th, 9:00 - 1:00am: The Poly Party:
The after-party to meet and mingle.
* Sunday, October 5th, 12:30 - 2:30pm: Read & Sign with experts and authors
and some of the most prominent books on Polyamory.
For more information, check out: http://www.poly-nyc.com/pride.html
MAP: the entrance to Great Hill is up the stairs at 106th & CPW:
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Open + Book
A while ago, I sent around a shout-out for people in "alternative" relationships and had some amazing interviews as a result. The article was published in New York Spirit Magazine's April/May Issue (www.nyspirit.com) titled, "Beyond Monogamy." One of the women I interviewed was Jenny Block (not to be confused with Jenny on the Block, the infamous J-Lo), an articulate, impassioned woman in a self-defined "Open Marriage." Jenny is married to her husband of over 10 years, has a young child, and has a "serious" long-term girlfriend, who does not live with them. Jenny was in the process of writing a book back then, and now the book is out and flying off the shelves. Check her out.
There are as many ways to structure an "open" relationship as there are people in the open relationships. Which, as far as I can tell, are increasing like flowers in the spring. Non-monogamy, in all its possibilities, is a hot, hot topic. And once you are tired of what I've got to say on the subject, I invite you to check out Jenny.
Jenny's relationship set-up includes (my term) emotional monogamy with her husband and her girlfriend. Or perhaps another term (not mine) would be "polyfidelity" - a cool term coined in the 80's by an experimental commune in the bay area called Kerista, where 15 men and women lived together in lifetime sexual fidelity, to all 14 others.
But I digress.
Jenny is not only a champion for re-defining relationships, but also for un-imprisioning women's sexuality. She says a mouthful in a recent blog posting (http://www.open-marriage.blogspot.com/)
"I used to be upset by the people who called me a whore and said they pitied my husband. "Who are you to think you deserve to be happy?" their comments seemed to say. "How dare you want to be fulfilled sexually? You're just a woman," I heard them whispering between the lines. But now I simply pity them. Sexuality has gotten a bad rap. It's great in the movies and in the glossy magazines, but when it comes to real life, it's supposed to be ignored for "higher" pursuits. Well, hell with that. My sexuality is part of me and it is no more nor less of a part than anything else.
For as far as I'm concerned, redefining marriage and validating relationships outside of heterosexual, monogamous marriages is one of the many ways we can work toward returning a woman's sexuality to its rightful owner. And, trust me, she wants it back."
Her book: "Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage"
http://www.amazon.com/Open-Love-Sex-Life-Marriage/dp/158005241X/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205465450&sr=8-1
Her website:
http://jennyonthepage.com
That's the OPEN part. Here's the BOOK part: I'm writing one, so watch out! I am in the proposal stage, which is fantastic and hard, so it won't be "out" until 2009, but I am giving you fair warning, so you can save a 2-inch space on your bookshelf and cheer me on in the epic, grand process I'll be undertaking this fall and winter.
Live and love as big as you can, LiYana
There are as many ways to structure an "open" relationship as there are people in the open relationships. Which, as far as I can tell, are increasing like flowers in the spring. Non-monogamy, in all its possibilities, is a hot, hot topic. And once you are tired of what I've got to say on the subject, I invite you to check out Jenny.
Jenny's relationship set-up includes (my term) emotional monogamy with her husband and her girlfriend. Or perhaps another term (not mine) would be "polyfidelity" - a cool term coined in the 80's by an experimental commune in the bay area called Kerista, where 15 men and women lived together in lifetime sexual fidelity, to all 14 others.
But I digress.
Jenny is not only a champion for re-defining relationships, but also for un-imprisioning women's sexuality. She says a mouthful in a recent blog posting (http://www.open-marriage.blogspot.com/)
"I used to be upset by the people who called me a whore and said they pitied my husband. "Who are you to think you deserve to be happy?" their comments seemed to say. "How dare you want to be fulfilled sexually? You're just a woman," I heard them whispering between the lines. But now I simply pity them. Sexuality has gotten a bad rap. It's great in the movies and in the glossy magazines, but when it comes to real life, it's supposed to be ignored for "higher" pursuits. Well, hell with that. My sexuality is part of me and it is no more nor less of a part than anything else.
For as far as I'm concerned, redefining marriage and validating relationships outside of heterosexual, monogamous marriages is one of the many ways we can work toward returning a woman's sexuality to its rightful owner. And, trust me, she wants it back."
Her book: "Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage"
http://www.amazon.com/Open-Love-Sex-Life-Marriage/dp/158005241X/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205465450&sr=8-1
Her website:
http://jennyonthepage.com
That's the OPEN part. Here's the BOOK part: I'm writing one, so watch out! I am in the proposal stage, which is fantastic and hard, so it won't be "out" until 2009, but I am giving you fair warning, so you can save a 2-inch space on your bookshelf and cheer me on in the epic, grand process I'll be undertaking this fall and winter.
Live and love as big as you can, LiYana
Thursday, June 12, 2008
The Weight of Compliments
Yesterday, I was having tea with a dear friend at my favorite tea cafe, Samovar. We both were expounding on all we love about the training we are both immersed in at the moment, a year-long in depth study of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) at a stellar school, NLP Marin. (She's actually several steps along from me, in her post-Masters training and I am only about half-way through.)
NLP is many things: it is the study of the structure of how human beings create meaning and thus, how lasting change (where you don't have to remember to be different!) can occur. It is (at least at this school), a deeply respectful study of how human beings are wired, from neurological, bio-physiological and emotional perspectives. It has offered me a way, in working with clients, to get at areas I've never been able to get at, often in minutes or hours, instead of weeks and months - and in the most elegant, respectful and heart-centered way...
My friend said something quite interesting. She told me how, for her, sometimes generalized compliments are a weighty thing to bear.
She is not shy about hearing things about herself, good or bad, despite what that might sound like, at first glance.
For example, if someone says, "You are so nice!" or "You always know exactly the right thing to say!" it actually can land as a big weighted responsibility rather than the sweet compliment it was meant as. (I am nice? I ALWAYS know EXACTLY the right thing to say? What about when I am not, or when I dont'?) All of a sudden, you can feel labeled by the compliment, as though from here to eternity you've got to uphold "NICE" or "ALWAYS KNOWING EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING TO SAY."
What happens when you are not nice? When what you can offer up is not nice, but a howl or a cry; when the truth of the moment is that you are confused or ugly? All of a sudden, your truth or expression of the moment seems to be some kind of going back on a promise, albeit a promise that was put upon you, rather than declared by you.
Please do not misunderstand me; I am all for compliments and acknowledgments! In many ways, my relationships with others and myself are built from the sweet stuffs! But there's a further refinement offered here, by my wise, wise friend: to be specific about what has moved you about someone and to say it specifically about the here and now, and specifically about how it affected you, rather than in general terms about the person in the abstract forever.
How much more of a true gift is something like, "What you just said was so nice, and made me feel OK to vulnerable with you." or "That struck me as the absolute perfect thing you could have said. I just saw that in a completely new light." How much more generous to speak the sweetness or profoundness of the moment, but leave out indications of now-and-forever, always, and from-here-on-out.
Which offers a clean, open space for compliments to be exchanged, whilst fostering the generous stance that we can be changing beings, different from one moment to the next; freedom to be and speak the moment - profound and wise at one moment, mundane and bitchy the next; not weighted down by the heavy monikers of generalized proclamations, but buoyed up by the invitation to over and over, always anew, express what IS.
NLP is many things: it is the study of the structure of how human beings create meaning and thus, how lasting change (where you don't have to remember to be different!) can occur. It is (at least at this school), a deeply respectful study of how human beings are wired, from neurological, bio-physiological and emotional perspectives. It has offered me a way, in working with clients, to get at areas I've never been able to get at, often in minutes or hours, instead of weeks and months - and in the most elegant, respectful and heart-centered way...
My friend said something quite interesting. She told me how, for her, sometimes generalized compliments are a weighty thing to bear.
She is not shy about hearing things about herself, good or bad, despite what that might sound like, at first glance.
For example, if someone says, "You are so nice!" or "You always know exactly the right thing to say!" it actually can land as a big weighted responsibility rather than the sweet compliment it was meant as. (I am nice? I ALWAYS know EXACTLY the right thing to say? What about when I am not, or when I dont'?) All of a sudden, you can feel labeled by the compliment, as though from here to eternity you've got to uphold "NICE" or "ALWAYS KNOWING EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING TO SAY."
What happens when you are not nice? When what you can offer up is not nice, but a howl or a cry; when the truth of the moment is that you are confused or ugly? All of a sudden, your truth or expression of the moment seems to be some kind of going back on a promise, albeit a promise that was put upon you, rather than declared by you.
Please do not misunderstand me; I am all for compliments and acknowledgments! In many ways, my relationships with others and myself are built from the sweet stuffs! But there's a further refinement offered here, by my wise, wise friend: to be specific about what has moved you about someone and to say it specifically about the here and now, and specifically about how it affected you, rather than in general terms about the person in the abstract forever.
How much more of a true gift is something like, "What you just said was so nice, and made me feel OK to vulnerable with you." or "That struck me as the absolute perfect thing you could have said. I just saw that in a completely new light." How much more generous to speak the sweetness or profoundness of the moment, but leave out indications of now-and-forever, always, and from-here-on-out.
Which offers a clean, open space for compliments to be exchanged, whilst fostering the generous stance that we can be changing beings, different from one moment to the next; freedom to be and speak the moment - profound and wise at one moment, mundane and bitchy the next; not weighted down by the heavy monikers of generalized proclamations, but buoyed up by the invitation to over and over, always anew, express what IS.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
The Weight of Perfection
My boyfriend has not been afflicted, as I have, with the disease of perfectionism. He is indeed an amazing human being, with superman-sized powers in many of life's important areas; he believes in excellence, but not in perfection. I've been steeping in his wisdom as I peel apart excellence from perfectionism, as they've been melded together in my mind for most of my life.
The dance performance (www.beforeplaydance.com) is only a week away, and boy, we sure could use another week, which is always the case with performances. Regardless, I wake up each morning with a surge of adrenaline, out of a dream that would make both Jung and Freud proud - a dream that carries all the turmoil, doubts and vulnerabilities of each and every way I relate to dance. I am in a soup-pot, boiling off dance karma, as my boyfriend likes to say.
I think about next week, and am saddened and pained by the knowledge that it will not be perfect. I have invited openly and enthusiastically my community to this personal creation, and it is difficult to know I will not have perfection - or the pretense of perfection, or the hope of perfection - to hide behind.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be inoculated against this disease; I've been chasing after it as long as I can remember and haven't had a moment's peace or ease while doing so. I'll gladly trade up perfectionism for excellence, trade in perfectionism for rejoicing in what IS, peel off perfectionism for the simple nakedness of who I am.
Apparently the best way I could figure to wriggle my way out from underneath the oppressive weight of perfection is by burning, burning, burning.
This from a card, from my mother, wishing my luck with my dancer performance, which sets right again my relationship with dance:
Don't you
hear it?
she asked
& I shook
my head no
& then
she started to dance
& suddenly there was
music everywhere
& it went on for a very long time
& when I finally found words
all I could say was
thank you.
The dance performance (www.beforeplaydance.com) is only a week away, and boy, we sure could use another week, which is always the case with performances. Regardless, I wake up each morning with a surge of adrenaline, out of a dream that would make both Jung and Freud proud - a dream that carries all the turmoil, doubts and vulnerabilities of each and every way I relate to dance. I am in a soup-pot, boiling off dance karma, as my boyfriend likes to say.
I think about next week, and am saddened and pained by the knowledge that it will not be perfect. I have invited openly and enthusiastically my community to this personal creation, and it is difficult to know I will not have perfection - or the pretense of perfection, or the hope of perfection - to hide behind.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be inoculated against this disease; I've been chasing after it as long as I can remember and haven't had a moment's peace or ease while doing so. I'll gladly trade up perfectionism for excellence, trade in perfectionism for rejoicing in what IS, peel off perfectionism for the simple nakedness of who I am.
Apparently the best way I could figure to wriggle my way out from underneath the oppressive weight of perfection is by burning, burning, burning.
This from a card, from my mother, wishing my luck with my dancer performance, which sets right again my relationship with dance:
Don't you
hear it?
she asked
& I shook
my head no
& then
she started to dance
& suddenly there was
music everywhere
& it went on for a very long time
& when I finally found words
all I could say was
thank you.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Leave Some Room at the Table For Failure
I've been thinking a lot lately about giving failure a bit of a break.
As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I'm eyeball-deep in a creative project that has me, at each turn, face all the ways I am inexperienced, inadequate, lacking or failing. After some months of making myself wrong for not being experienced, adequate, fine and winning, I started giving some thought to why failure is such a scary concept and such a scary experience.
A friend said to me:
"Without the possibility of loss, there is no game. I am a poker player and I sure would like to win all the time. When I play no limit poker, there is always a time, often multiple times, when I have to go "all in". Sure I could lose it all. And HAVE. But, damn, it's such an incredible game. And I only have like 80-100 years to enjoy myself. I opt for a rich, full life. The only question is whether you will go for the whole pot or be deterred by your fears of loss. It's ok to be afraid. It's scary to allow yourself to be so fully vulnerable. You are doing it right and at the right speed. Trust your instincts."
And then, in a moment of clarity and brilliance, I said to another friend:
"I'd like to, in this body, in this lifetime, dance with all of it. Not worry whether am doing it right, growing, healing, or making art, or being happy; to let the sad, lonely and crimped up parts have a place at the table just like the glorious parts; to have them be welcomed and contribute to my sense of peace and rightness with my self
and my mind, not diminish it."
I'll leave it at that, and I'll leave some room at my table...
As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I'm eyeball-deep in a creative project that has me, at each turn, face all the ways I am inexperienced, inadequate, lacking or failing. After some months of making myself wrong for not being experienced, adequate, fine and winning, I started giving some thought to why failure is such a scary concept and such a scary experience.
A friend said to me:
"Without the possibility of loss, there is no game. I am a poker player and I sure would like to win all the time. When I play no limit poker, there is always a time, often multiple times, when I have to go "all in". Sure I could lose it all. And HAVE. But, damn, it's such an incredible game. And I only have like 80-100 years to enjoy myself. I opt for a rich, full life. The only question is whether you will go for the whole pot or be deterred by your fears of loss. It's ok to be afraid. It's scary to allow yourself to be so fully vulnerable. You are doing it right and at the right speed. Trust your instincts."
And then, in a moment of clarity and brilliance, I said to another friend:
"I'd like to, in this body, in this lifetime, dance with all of it. Not worry whether am doing it right, growing, healing, or making art, or being happy; to let the sad, lonely and crimped up parts have a place at the table just like the glorious parts; to have them be welcomed and contribute to my sense of peace and rightness with my self
and my mind, not diminish it."
I'll leave it at that, and I'll leave some room at my table...
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Running Uphill Backwards
Wow, I haven't written a blog entry in months! If there was an award for slackingest blogger, 'twould be mine. Somehow I just haven't felt like documenting my journey at all, and have just now made some sense of why.
I've been moonlighting with my former carreer as a modern dancer and have been working since February on creating a dance performance with four other dancers, custom-created music, set pieces on which we dance, costumes, lights, a small black-box theatre and a reception to follow. I thought it would be a fun lark, and a fun show in which I'd get to have a fun time dancing. What I created was not only the above, but another self-designed obstacle course, everywhere I turn is another former demon to face, everywhere another ghost of my dance past. I have to marvel at the intelligence, elegance and thoroughness of my design - it's been a non-stop test at every twist and turn, speckled with some quite wonderful and enjoyable moments, too.
I have a lot more to say about this, which I will in my next entry, but to explain this blog's title: a friend of mine emailed me to tell me about a dance show she created that will go up a few weeks after mine - and her title is thus: Running Uphill Backwards. Nothing could describe these last few months, except if I added in, Running Uphill Backwards In High Heels, With a backpack, Two Suitcases, Three Lunchpails and a Cellphone.
Somehow I have more of a sense of humour about it since I've named and identified the shape and scope of my hard time. It tends to work: when I know, ah! this is what's going on, this is why, this is how big and how long - then somehow I am able to relax into the painful, strange, uncomfortable and magical ride of it all.
I've been moonlighting with my former carreer as a modern dancer and have been working since February on creating a dance performance with four other dancers, custom-created music, set pieces on which we dance, costumes, lights, a small black-box theatre and a reception to follow. I thought it would be a fun lark, and a fun show in which I'd get to have a fun time dancing. What I created was not only the above, but another self-designed obstacle course, everywhere I turn is another former demon to face, everywhere another ghost of my dance past. I have to marvel at the intelligence, elegance and thoroughness of my design - it's been a non-stop test at every twist and turn, speckled with some quite wonderful and enjoyable moments, too.
I have a lot more to say about this, which I will in my next entry, but to explain this blog's title: a friend of mine emailed me to tell me about a dance show she created that will go up a few weeks after mine - and her title is thus: Running Uphill Backwards. Nothing could describe these last few months, except if I added in, Running Uphill Backwards In High Heels, With a backpack, Two Suitcases, Three Lunchpails and a Cellphone.
Somehow I have more of a sense of humour about it since I've named and identified the shape and scope of my hard time. It tends to work: when I know, ah! this is what's going on, this is why, this is how big and how long - then somehow I am able to relax into the painful, strange, uncomfortable and magical ride of it all.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Prioritize YourSELF
In the Winter 2008 Newsletter I just sent out, i included an article titled, "Sweep out the Chamber of Your Heart," and then got this notice from my friend and colleague, Monica.
If you are still waiting to sweep out the chamber of your BODY for this amazing 2008, do consider this life and body cleanse!
Funny thing for a blog, maybe, but this is a GREAT offer. Monica is a Kellogg MBA, triathlete, a bit of an empathic savant and a whiz at vibrant health and life balance.
Prioritize YourSELF: The Ultimate Life and Body Cleanse
Special 1/2 Price for this list!
For more information go to http://www.idealbalanceevents.com/programs.htm
To get the special price - please call 646-918-6410.
* Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be in total control of your health?
* To no longer be confused about what to eat or do to get back to your ideal weight and feel in control of your life? Then keep reading.
8 Classes conducted over the phone beginning February 6th
All classes are recorded so you can do them anywhere at anytime.
Here is just some of what you'll discover in this eight-week course:
* An amazing body cleanse that helps you lose weight, clear your skin and radiate energy and focus
* Easy weeknight meals that are healthy and satisfying, no matter how much time you have
* An exercise plan that works for you and the support and accountability to make sure you stay with it
* The exact supplements that are essential to your health
* Your life and work's passions - what really makes your soul sing and how to keep it in your life
* Time management techniques that work wonders (and are not boring)
* * * * *
Registration: Now just $250.00
Limited to 10 - so register soon!
To find out more and to register, click on the link below:
http://www.idealbalanceevents.com/programs.htm
* * * * *
Monica Shah, Nutrition and Life Balance Expert
Helping busy professionals find simple ways to be healthy.
646-918-6410 - call for an initial consultation today.
Go to www.idealbalanceinc.com to sign up for nutrition and balance tips or a get acquainted session.
If you are still waiting to sweep out the chamber of your BODY for this amazing 2008, do consider this life and body cleanse!
Funny thing for a blog, maybe, but this is a GREAT offer. Monica is a Kellogg MBA, triathlete, a bit of an empathic savant and a whiz at vibrant health and life balance.
Prioritize YourSELF: The Ultimate Life and Body Cleanse
Special 1/2 Price for this list!
For more information go to http://www.idealbalanceevents.com/programs.htm
To get the special price - please call 646-918-6410.
* Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be in total control of your health?
* To no longer be confused about what to eat or do to get back to your ideal weight and feel in control of your life? Then keep reading.
8 Classes conducted over the phone beginning February 6th
All classes are recorded so you can do them anywhere at anytime.
Here is just some of what you'll discover in this eight-week course:
* An amazing body cleanse that helps you lose weight, clear your skin and radiate energy and focus
* Easy weeknight meals that are healthy and satisfying, no matter how much time you have
* An exercise plan that works for you and the support and accountability to make sure you stay with it
* The exact supplements that are essential to your health
* Your life and work's passions - what really makes your soul sing and how to keep it in your life
* Time management techniques that work wonders (and are not boring)
* * * * *
Registration: Now just $250.00
Limited to 10 - so register soon!
To find out more and to register, click on the link below:
http://www.idealbalanceevents.com/programs.htm
* * * * *
Monica Shah, Nutrition and Life Balance Expert
Helping busy professionals find simple ways to be healthy.
646-918-6410 - call for an initial consultation today.
Go to www.idealbalanceinc.com to sign up for nutrition and balance tips or a get acquainted session.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
When Things Begin
I made the transition from 2007 to 2008 in Las Vegas, Nevada with dear friends. Thank goodness for the dear friends part, since my first visit to Las Vegas did NOT impress. I suppose it had much to do with awesome levels of jet lag, but I am still stuck with the thought that Las Vegas is not an armpit city, it's more like a crotch.
Before I digress more into the un-virtues of this strange fabricated city of vices, I'd like to share my thoughts about our New Year in general.
It's always struck me as strange that we celebrate the passing of one year and the beginning of a new one in the dead of winter. "We" meaning, of course, those who celebrate on December 31 - January 1st, as opposed to September-ish for the Jews, April-ish for the Thai Buddhists and February-ish for the Chinese.
To me our New Year feels like a still and dark and dead time, with not much newness stirring atall, but this year I got it. Things appear to begin in a time like Spring, when fruiting and flowering and blossoming are obvious and generous indications of something amazing afoot! But this is not when things begin. Things begin in the dark and quiet of a womb, of a deep patch of soil. Things begin with the dormant seed's first struggle to become un-dormant, to turn potential energy into actualized energy. Things begin in winter, literally and metaphorically; and they begin at the time when we have no proof, only uncertainty and query.
New things start in the cold and dark of deep sleep, with a tiny, imperceptible spark of fire and flash.
I love this. And I love listening to the giant quiet of winter, listening for the tremors of beginnings I can't quite see, can barely detect, but now - after many seasons of doubt - trust.
Before I digress more into the un-virtues of this strange fabricated city of vices, I'd like to share my thoughts about our New Year in general.
It's always struck me as strange that we celebrate the passing of one year and the beginning of a new one in the dead of winter. "We" meaning, of course, those who celebrate on December 31 - January 1st, as opposed to September-ish for the Jews, April-ish for the Thai Buddhists and February-ish for the Chinese.
To me our New Year feels like a still and dark and dead time, with not much newness stirring atall, but this year I got it. Things appear to begin in a time like Spring, when fruiting and flowering and blossoming are obvious and generous indications of something amazing afoot! But this is not when things begin. Things begin in the dark and quiet of a womb, of a deep patch of soil. Things begin with the dormant seed's first struggle to become un-dormant, to turn potential energy into actualized energy. Things begin in winter, literally and metaphorically; and they begin at the time when we have no proof, only uncertainty and query.
New things start in the cold and dark of deep sleep, with a tiny, imperceptible spark of fire and flash.
I love this. And I love listening to the giant quiet of winter, listening for the tremors of beginnings I can't quite see, can barely detect, but now - after many seasons of doubt - trust.
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