Uncomfortable and Scared

For the last few months and weeks, I've been feeling uncomfortable and scared, almost constantly.

In addition to moving to a new city, maintaining and expanding my client base and website, teaching and writing, I am working on the creation of a dance piece, full-length, with 4-5 other dancers, a set, custom-composed music and video projection to be performed mid-2008.

This is so far on the ambitious side of things, I might even call myself crazy.

Yesterday, when I realized for how long my discomfort and fright had been going on, I began to think, "LiYana, this is madness! Why do I always do this to myself? Why do I always take on huge, immense, nearly impossible tasks that put me way, way outside my comfort zone? This is not fun! When do I get to feel like things are normal?"

And then the words of a zen meditation teacher of mine come to mind - words that always bring me such relief and mirth at the same time: "The body is not made to be eternal comfortable. Sometimes comfortable, sometimes uncomfortable. Such a worry and a stress always to be searching for comfortable."

And then I also realize that I will never stop setting myself up to create things way outside my comfort zone. And so, it would be good to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. If I choose a life - as I have - where I want to constantly learn, grow, expand, shift and create, I'm going to be uncomfortable and scared a majority of the time.

So, yes, I am still uncomfortable, and still scared... But somehow noticing that I did it on purpose re-frames it not as an indication of something wrong, but actually of something just quite right.