Bare With Me

Sexy, Radiant & Confident: The Three Simple Secrets

2009-07-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

Let me be straight with you.

This is urgently, importantly, especially for women.

Although every woman I work with is gorgeously unique, each woman that walks through my door and sits down for her session says her version of:

"I'm so bone-tired of dating the same type of guy, over and over. I know I have patterns where I self-sabotage, but how can I evolve out of them? How can I get out of this painful "Groundhog-Day" of relationships? How can I step out of these
relationship ruts?"

We proceed; and I show her exactly how.

If you feel like you have to choose between YOU and a relationship, you need to be on my FREE tele-class, "Sexy, Radiant & Confident: The Three Simple Secrets" on Wednesday, July 29, 2009 at 5:30pm Pacific time; 8:30pm Eastern time.

If you are like the women I work with, I'll bet you've been working your tail off to feel comfortable in your own skin - but you're still working at it.

I'll bet you long for a way out of the "Groundhog-Day Dating" syndrome of dating the same type of person over and over ... and over again.

I'll bet you feel like your "glow", your luminous, delicious self is just around the corner - or the next, or the next.

That's why I've compiled all you need to know in one place, in this one jam-packed tele-class!

So I can show you exactly how my clients move from depressed and desperate to radiant and glowing. So I can show you exactly how they move from relationship ruts to passionate partnerships.

These Three Simple Secrets are the same ones I used to build a thriving business, a rich, adventurous life and an extraordinary,satisfying relationship - both with an amazing man and with ME!

I'm dying to hand you these Three Simple Secrets.

The world needs you. I need you. Your partners need you. Your sisters need you.

But not as a dusty facsimile of yourself; as your fully expressed, glorious self.

It's time to get serious - about stepping in to your birthright: Sexy, Radiant & Confident!

"I feel I was given one of the secrets of life!"
- Heather C.

"I'm so glad I got clear on this before embarking
on another relationship that could have been doomed
before it even began."
- Megan F.

"People keep stopping me and asking me why I'm so
smiley and shiny."
- Laura V.

Isn't it time you joined your sisters?

Sexy, Radiant & Confident: The Three Simple Secrets

Wednesday, July 29, 2009
5:30 - 6:45pm Pacific time
8:30 - 9:45pm Eastern time

To reserve your spot, use this link:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/teleseminar.html

On this ground-breaking tele-class, you'll learn:

1) The #1 source of your powerful radiance (Most women don't know this!)

2) A simple 3-Step Process for calming your self-defeating patterns and your debilitating self-talk. (Psst -- It's what I (and my clients) use to get through the rocky patches with grace and ease!)

3) How to have ridiculous amounts of passion & satisfaction, in your day-to-day and your sensual life.

4) Exactly how to uncork and harness your Feminine Power. (Hint: It's different than what you're already using in your daily life.)

5) The most critical mindset shift you need to make before you can step into your sensuous, lit-up self. (Don't even bother with all I'm about to teach you if you're not willing to do this!)

6) The most powerful tool for more ease, joy and delight with men - that you can use instantly! (Without this, you are likely pushing away men, without even knowing you're
doing it!)

6) And I will show you on the class how to get a full (fr*ee!) 1-on-1 coaching session with me ($295 value).

Here's that link again to reserve your spot in this complimentary tele-class.
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/teleseminar.html

Additionally you will:

* Be able to ask your questions live on the tele-class
* Leave the call with simple at-home practices to integrate it all into your life - as soon as tonight!

Yes, we delve into the hard, stuck stuff, too. But by including these above gems, unheard of shifts happen daily for the women I work with.

"I wanted to get past what was blocking me from meeting
"Mr. Right" vs. "Mr. Right now". Since working with LiYana,
and for the past two years, I have been in a happy
relationship with Mr. Right!"
- Shireen D

"Thank you for helping me manifest this incredible,
1-in-a-million man. I know it's only because of our
work together..."
- Catalina S.

"LiYana lives what she teaches."
- Rosalinda P.

If you've been living in a sea of self-doubt and negative self-talk, if you've been wondering what those women who GLOW have that you don't, if your sensuality is more like a desert than a lush garden, and if you've been wondering how to attract your soul-mate-hot-lover, all-in-one ... it's time.

Sexy, Radiant & Confident: The Three Simple Secrets

Wednesday, July 29, 2009
5:30 - 6:45pm Pacific time
8:30 - 9:45pm Eastern time

To reserve your spot, use this link:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/teleseminar.html

To YOUR Sexiness, Radiance and Confidence,

LiYana

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PS: As you probably know (and have experienced yourself first-hand), being the brilliant, sassilicious woman you are meant to be is easier said than done. Let me walk you through the Three Simple Secrets!

PPS: Feel free to forward this to other women in your life who would love to be more Sexy, Radiant and Confident, but please remember to reserve your spot HERE first!

http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/teleseminar.html

PPPS: To find out what time the tele-class will happen in YOUR time zone, use this link:

http://www.timeticker.com

* * *

The Newest Love of My Life

2009-06-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

No. Nothing's changed with Nathan! He's still the true love of my life.

But we did just get a little bundle of love - and fur and claws, and named him Mishka, which we just found out after the fact means "gift of love" in Hindu and "white bear" in Russian.

He's the first breed cat I've ever owned (an Egyptian Mau), and he is not only soft as a mink, but clever, sweet, friendly, affectionate, playful and can jump and flip in the air and run up to 30 miles an hour. Although he hasn't gotten up to those speeds in our little seaside flat.

I am totally in love. It's not that easy to get any work done at all! But somehow love of this sweet-hearted fuzzy one makes it all worth it.

One Thing To Do With Grief

2009-06-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

Two questions came from readers lately, that turn my face toward the face of grief and loss:

"After one has been in deeply in a love relationship, how do you let go in order to move on. I tend to linger and wallow in the pain of letting go..."

"How can couples create/maintain connection and sexual polarity during difficult times -- for example: illness, trauma, grief, loss of loved one, loss of home/financial stability, or other radical changes in circumstances, etc.? Is there anything that extinguishes feminine radiance more quickly than grief?"

Grief and loss are deep, thick waters that are a personal affair to plumb. How to embrace their weighty, heavy arms? How long to hold the embrace so the grief and loss have run their course through our veins? How do we know when we've traversed into "wallowing" territory and it's time to throw off the tight bands of grieving?

I wish I had the answer for every form grief and loss takes; I wish I had a caress for every sister's cheek grief and loss leave their sad kiss upon. I don't have every answer, but I do have the beautiful story of the Japanese goddesses, Ameratsu and Ame-no-Uzume, which points a finger toward the door we must all walk through with our unique shuffling, sashaying, sauntering step.

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Amaterasu is the sun goddess, associated with royal power, and returning life and joy after dark times, as the sun becomes stronger and warmer after winter. Ame-no-Uzume is the voluptuous goddess of merriment and celebration.

Amaterasu and Ame-no-Uzume
http://www.thaliatook.com/AMGG/amaterasu.html

Amaterasu is the sun goddess, the goddess from which all light emanates and is often referred to as the sun goddess because of her warmth and compassion for the people who worship her.

"I am the author of order, the sun in her clockwork path. To this beloved world I have given many gifts — the plow-furrowed fields, the strands of the seasons, the celebrations joining families and neighbors — these I carefully weave, weft across warp, binding communities and ordering Time. So it goes, as I knot together the substance of civilization. However ..."

Most of her myths revolve around an incident where the goddess traps herself in a cave because of her brother's actions. One day, in a drunken rampage, he trampled Amaterasu's rice fields, filled all of her irrigation ditches and threw excrement into her palace and her shrines. The people asked her brother to stop but he ignored them and even went so far as to throw the corpse of a skinned horse at her hand-maidens who were weaving at the time. The women were killed by the splintered wood from the looms piercing their wombs.

"Every older sister knows a younger sibling, troublesome and maddening; my brother, I utterly can not tolerate. Where I am quiet, he is loud; where I am calm, he is violent; where I am steady, his tempers wax and wane. My planted fields he floods, my handmaidens he frightens; my weaving he cuts in pieces. But he passed all endurance one morning when he burst through the roof of my hall like a thunderclap out of the blue sky, and into the tumult he then cast, of all things, the flayed and bloodied hide of a horse — I'm sure he found it quite witty — and bright Wakahirume, most dear to me, was killed. A little of his chaos must then have entered even into my own heart, for I put down my shuttle and turned from my loom, took myself to a quiet cave, and shut the entrance after me with a great stone."

Amaterasu was greatly angered and in protest she shut herself in the Heavenly Cave and sealed it shut with a giant rock.

"In that cool place of silence and still water, I finally had peace. I lay down in the quietude, and soon wandered into deep dreamings."

As a result, the world was consumed with darkness. Without her, everything began to wither and die. Countless people gathered in front of her cave and devised a way to lure her out. They all sat around the cave and set up a mirror across from the entrance. Ame-no-Uzume, the voluptuous goddess of merriment turned over a wash-tub and began a sensual dance, tapping the beat on the tub. She exposed her breasts and lifted her skirts as she danced a divine striptease. All of the gods made a great noise of yelling and cheering and laughing.

"But it was not to last. In time I was awakened by a din and disturbance outside the rock-cave entrance. It was quite an uproar: I made out rowdy shouts and screams, and for a moment I thought my brother had come to disturb me even here. But, no, it was not his usual crashing jumble of noise — it was, no — was it? How could it be? By the door-stone the sound was much clearer — unmistakable now, the sounds of joyous celebration: music, cheers, and merry laughter. How can this be? Without my workings, the dark chaos of winter must descend. Are all my gifts given so cheaply held? The lore and learning, the wisdom of seed and soil, are these so swiftly forgotten?"

"I am so angry that at last I shift the stone slightly, to peer out at this madness. And within the dark winter, there is a small shining. I catch a gleam of the golden light of heaven, brilliant and beautiful. Its radiance and glory thrill me; such loveliness I have never seen. Forgetting my anger, I roll the stone aside and step towards the light."

Amaterasu peeked out to see what the noise was about. She asked the nearest god what was going on and he replied that there was a new goddess. When Amaterasu asked where she was, he pointed to the mirror.

"Tied to a tree is a small mirror, and the splendor shining back at me is mine. I have never truly seen my own beauty, caught as I was in my weaving; with my relentless work and busy mind I have somehow left out my own self."

Amaterasu had never seen herself before and when she caught her reflection, she stared at the radiance of her own form. She was so surprised and fascinated by her own nearly forgotten beauty.

When she was out of the way, the people shut the rock behind her. Having lured her out of the cave, the gods convinced her to go back into the Celestial Plain and all life began to grow again and become strong in her light. Once back in the Celestial Plain, she made sure that she was ready for her brother's harsh actions again by having a bow and quiver at her side.

"All around me are the welcoming smiles of my friends and neighbors, my own woven community come together to coax me from my darkness. I must never forget that I too am one of the strands."

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What do the goddesses remind us to do? Never, never forget our exquisite beauty? Be coaxed out of our cave by the merry-making, music, laughter, sensual celebration (and exposed breasts! ;-P) of others less bound by grief and loss than us? Remember our place in the warp and weft of things? Step into the plains of our life after an appropriate time of weeping, with the knowledge we are stronger now to bear the joys and pains of this crazy life?

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http://www.thaliatook.com/AMGG/amaterasu.html

Sex, God, Rock & Roll

2009-06-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

A while back I was interviewed by the "Punk Monk" Stuart Davis on Sex, God, Rock & Roll on "Relationship as Spiritual Path". Check out a clip of it here:

Stuart is funny. An amazing musician. The king of off-off-off humour. Sacred. A loving father. A stellar husband. Rocks the camera.

Close your eyes and open your legs, it's time for the full episodes of Sex, God, Rock & Roll! I'm on episode 4, and will be in the DVD box set that's coming out soon. Membership is $5 a month or something silly.

http://www.sexgodrocknroll.com/episodes/

And here's the article I wrote, after having so much fun with Stuart:

Sex and Relationship as Spiritual Path: can a relationship actually do what an ashram does?

by LiYana Silver, Relationship Specialist, November 2008

I am sitting in a filming studio in Boulder, Colorado, getting ready to be interviewed on the Stuart Davis Show, "Sex, God, Rock n' Roll." I'll be talking about Relationship and Sex as Spiritual Path; can a relationship actually do what an ashram does? It's going to be a good one.

In a pre-interview email, Stuart emailed me the following questions: Relationship as Spiritual Path: Can a relationship actually do what an ashram does; can a relationship actually do what a teacher-student relationship does? In what ways can relationship do what lineage, community, etc, does? In what ways do we use spiritual communities or teachers to "avoid" deeper engagement and relationship with our partners?

There's no One Right Way. This is a unique concept in a world that functions as though there is very much One Right Way. Our world loves the "either/or," "black/white," "good/bad" paradigm; our cultures raise arms around who are the chosen people, who's getting into God's kingdom, which diet is the right diet, is a homosexual marriage still a marriage?

Relationship can absolutely do what the ashram does. It just tends to do it in a sort of technicolor thriller, comedie noire, 3-D dramatique way.

The ashram asks of those who enter to supplicate, to prostrate yourself physically, emotionally and mentally at the feet of a master. It asks of you to give over of yourself in order to gain insight and maturity, to strip away illusion and delusion, to awaken. If you have a partner who has a basic grasp of the foundational elements of powerful relating (self awareness, communication, honesty, vulnerability and integrity), and you have a partner you can trust, your partner (or partners) becomes teacher, sensei and master - as well as and student.

The ashram offers you practice and challenges to rise to. Getting up to meditate at 4:00am in a cold zendo with aching knees and back, whether or not you feel like it, is a lot like getting up to breast-feed an infant or tend to your lover's food poisoning, whether or not you feel like it. Cleaning the meditation halls is a lot like cleaning the bedroom, sweeping away the dust and clutter to allow seekers to again tomorrow, free of too much distraction, lay themselves at the feet of intimacy and union.

The ashram offers you a physical and spiritual container, within which to examine who you are: Who are you in the glorious, open times as well as during the tough times? Come rain or shine, the ashram demands of you to do your practices. It's one thing to be a good communicator and a loving open being when the sun is shining in our relationship, but can we keep our hearts open and vulnerable in the midst of a painful, confronting storm when the shit hits the fan and it gets tough and scary? The cultivation of discipline, whether done in the ashram or in the relationship, is useful because of what it trains us for.

My rather irreverent assertion that relationship can be a vessel for growth, discovery and communion with the Divine, as the ashram can also be, comes from my experience with Vedic Tantra. Vedic Tantrism offers that there is nothing to transcend; the Divine is not out there or over there, separate from you; you are the Divine. The Divine is having a human experience through you. There is no where you could go, nothing you could do to escape the Divine. Being human is not a fallen condition. There's not a place of perfection we fell from and can claw, pray or self-flagellate our way back to. Vedic Tantra is inclusive, offering a way to see our shadows not as deviance from the Divine, but for further means of integration and experience of the full spectrum of the Divine. There is no experience that doesn't offer you, bundled inside of it, the chance to open to God. Relationship, when done with the intention and heart of a spiritual seeker, is an honorable spiritual path.

Lineages, like pilgrimages to ashrams, offer the beautiful structure of well-trodden spiritual paths, but don't necessarily have built in to them the elasticity to account for human and cultural development. Often in trying to transcend our humanity - our visceral, earth-bound bodies with their plethora of racing thoughts, storms of emotions and abounding sexual energies - is an excuse to push away life like a mirage, and can drive us even further from a union with the Divine. We have been taught, whether through Eastern, Judeo-Christain or through Puritanical traditions, to deny the body, kill the ego, cut out parts of ourselves and ascend above our messy humanity in order to commune with the Divine. But those same sought-after spiritual experiences are equally as accessible through the body, thoughts, emotions and ego; through an integration and understanding of our humanity. Rather than pretending our shadows aren't there or can be exorcised, we can embrace, include and integrate them.

When you choose life (and relationship) as spiritual path and choose to know and engage (rather than deny) every part of your being, the conversation with the Divine then happens right here, right now, not limited to churches, synagogues and ashrams. There is no spot where God is not, no place that is not holy; every moment becomes one where union is available. If you choose relationships, you choose to engage. Relationship is the highest-stakes, highest-reward spiritual game I know.

LiYana Silver is a Relationship Specialist, teacher, writer and counselor.
Visit her website at ww.RedefiningMonogamy.com.

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Red-Hot Body, Red-Hot Relationships

2009-06-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

I met my friend and colleague, Jena LaFlamme, over 8 years ago, while we were both studying holistic wellness and counseling. We were both struggling with eating disorders, weight issues
and relationship woes. From macrobiotic cooking classes, conferences at Kripalu, contact improvisation dancing and zen meditation in India, I've experienced it all - and then some - with Jena.

Today, we are both successful business owners with booming private practices; we live, breathe and teach the secrets to vibrant wellness, healthy and balanced (red-hot) bodies and extraordinary and vibrant (red-hot) relationships.

We'd like to invite you to a free 2-part webinar series, where we'll share with you, each in turn, what we've mastered over the years.

Red-Hot Body, Red-Hot Relationships: Let two women who KNOW show you how!

To register: https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/129027795

Part 1: Red-Hot Relationships
The Nine Essential Ingredients for Passionate Partnerships for the 21st Century
with Relationship Expert, LiYana Silver

Tuesday, June 9, 2009; 5:30-6:30pm PST; 8:30-9:30pm EST

- Confounded, confused and can't communicate with the opposite sex?
- Discouraged when your relationship gets more loving & intimate, the sexual spark fizzles?
- Want to stop unhealthy relationship patterns, but you're not sure if it's them, or if it's you?
- Want to be yourself, but always feel like you have to choose between you or the relationship?
- Daunted when it starts out so loving and sizzling, but turns into a fight-fest, over and over again?

Join Relationship Expert and Coach, LiYana Silver and get the revolutionary recipe guide for creating the intimate love relationships you hunger for.

If the Iron Chef got Naked, slipped into a sassy, classy lady suit and divulged her feisty, fresh formulas for creating tasty relationships, sex and intimacy - and passed out yummy samples at the end - that would be this webinar.

You will:

- Learn the nine essential ingredients that make any relationship sizzle - and lasting!
- Uncover the number one skill, without which your relationship is doomed
- Decipher your relationship blueprint - the first step in turning conflict into harmony (and so that you will never get into a lame relationship again!)
- Learn simple communication tools that will get your needs met without nagging, diffuse reactivity and bring you more satisfaction in the bedroom
- Find out why men and women appear to be different species - and how to activate your translator for symbiotic, respectful relating
- Learn why in most long-term relationships the sex dies - and what you can do about it

Complete with vital information, lively Q&A and simple how-to's and tools you can apply to your life (tonight!), this hour-long, chock-full webinar will forever change what you know to be possible in relationships.

** You'll also get a special offer to be a part of a 11-week beta relationship coaching program with LiYana Silver!

To register: https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/129027795

To learn more about LiYana Silver, Relationship Expert & Founder of Re-Defining Monogamy :
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com

Part 2: Red-Hot Body
The Seven Succulent Ingredients for a Body that Sizzles
with Weight-Loss Expert, Jena LaFlamme

Tuesday, June 16, 2009, 5:30 - 6:30pm PST, 8:30 - 9:30pm EST

- How would you like to look in the mirror only to find a satisfying smile ripple across your face?
- How would you like access to your metabolic hot buttons so that weight loss becomes a natural letting go of that which is no longer needed, as opposed to a forced and painful restriction exercise?

If your relationship with food and your body feels more like a nightmare than a dream, like a fight than a friendship, do not resign yourself to a life of inner conflict, there is a way out.

I spent a decade vacillating between overeating and cruel food restriction, and in my search for the body of my dreams I tried everything under the sun. And nothing worked....until I came across these teachings. These teachings worked for me to lose 20 pounds and you can too.

In the end, the answers were simpler than I ever could have imagined. My discovery? That the blue-print to easy, sustainable weight loss has been with you all along, in the very instincts of you own body, or as I call it, your "animal."

In this 60-minute free webinar you will:

- Discover why "self-control" doesn't melt off the pounds and what really does.
- Dissolve your despair with your stubborn body and replace it with hope and inspiration that you too can have the body of your dreams
- Learn the key, delicious foods that will satisfy you and put an end to your cravings
- The exercise secret that keeps weight on even if you are pounding the treadmill and has allowed me to maintain a slender figure without even stepping in the gym
- Recognize where you may be inadvertently sabotaging your weight loss efforts and how you can get more satisfaction from food and make weight loss effortless

With these strategies, I have not only lost weight myself and kept it off for years without yo-yoing, but have helped hundreds of clients get the same results. You can too!

There's only room for a limited amount of you on the bridge line so if this interest you sign up immediately while there is still space.

To register: https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/129027795

To learn more about Jena LaFlamme, Weight Loss Expert & Founder and Director of the Jena Wellness Center :
http://www.jenawellness.com

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I look forward to having you on the red-hot pair of webinars!

Enjoy, LiYana
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Cru d'etat

2009-05-30T17:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a student of sensuality, and am familiar how "taking away" one sense can have the wonderful effect of enhancing the others in our fine five: taste, touch, sight, smell and sound.

So I was interested a week ago, to be invited by two close friends to dine in the dark at a local San Francisco restaurant, Opaque. We would be served in complete darkness, by legally blind servers - and fine fare would complete this strange and fascinating experience.

We were led down twisting, velvet-lined corridors to our table, and managed to find our places without either upsetting the table nor knocking even a plate or piece of silverware off. When food began to arrive, we coordinated between our server and us four, to put it all within groping reach. Our first trick was to pry a piece of bread out of the napkined basket and dip it (rather than our fists) into the butter. So far so good. And plus, if you didn't put your bread on it's assigned bread plate, who could tell anyway?

After an "aumse bouche" - my favorite term in the world for an appetizer before an appetizer, literally meaning, to amuse or tease the mouth, but hey, I'm all for amusing a bush! - came a plate of cut up veggies with three sauces. Our server announced, here is your cru d'etat.

Speaking enough french to order in a restaurant and have a conversation about love while keeping myself out of jail, I know that what he meant was, crudite - meaning raw cut up vegetables.

Without knowing it or meaning it, I'm pretty sure, he put "crudite" and "coup d'etat" (meaning revolution or overturning the current regime) in a blender, pressed "whirl" and got "cru d'etat."

I have to say, his slip of the toungue was the best thing about the night. We all found our eyes strained for sight, giving us slight headaches, not at all enhancing the flavors of the food. Likewise, it hard to really feel and get into what each other were saying, without being able to see body language and facial cues.

Grateful for our sightedness, we all commented how the visuals of food - it's shapes, presentation and variety - all add to the experience of eating. At least during this night, taking sight away didn't add to the taste, texture, sound and smells of our meals. The food was fine, but not worth the whopping price tag, attached to the novelty of blind dining.

As we exited the restaurant, back into the twilight of the street, we realized Opaque had gotten away with quite a "coup" indeed. Somehow, we'd paid twice as much for mediocre food, and helped them save on their electric bill!

Cru - raw
d'etat - of the house

Opaque: Raw Deal in the House!

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Love versus Love

2009-05-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

I couple weeks ago I went to see a new-to-me band, Loop!Station, a performance of their new album, Love versus Love.

An impassioned women singing, Robin Coomer, and an impassioned man playing cello, Sam Bass. All live, they loop their tracks, layering them, overlapping them, singing along with themselves, creating a gorgeous blast of intoxicating music.

When I walked in to the venue, they were already playing, and I was nearly knocked over by a gorgeous tsunami of sensuous, sonorous sound. I continued to weep for the rest of the hour's performance.

You have to check them out. If you don't know where to start, try "The Last Time" from their album, "Balance on What."

http://www.loopthis.com/
http://cdbaby.com/cd/loopstation1

And for their glorious, powerful, exalted new CD, "Love versus Love," you'll have to wait as patiently as me. Do get on their mailing list. Your ears and heart will never be loved so well.

"Love versus Love," Robin says. "Which will win?"

Loving, opening to love, devoting our lives and selves to love - is not always a dance with the daisies.

Love is the greatest game there is. 99.9% of humans make a conscious or unconscious choice that to love, fully and openly, is too painful, too vulnerable, too unpredictable.

It's true. It can be.

Lovers, the 1% of 1%, we are courageous, crazy, and somehow the most sane. It takes a great roar of YES to life. It's easier to hide, to numb out, to say NO to life.

The reward of loving - ourselves, another, this chaotic life - is often blown-open hearts, lives in cinders, work charred and scarred.

And the rewards are also heaven on earth: what comes from living with arms thrown wide, head tossed back, open, open, open, truly seeing and being truly seen. The wash of creative fire that comes only of the inclusive embrace our YES as opposed to the painful pushing away of our NO.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

C.S. Lewis

Love versus Love. Which will win?

Birthing Pleasure

2009-04-29T13:49:00.001-07:00

In a recent article (coming out in June) I explored the concepts of lasting sexual spark in long-term relationships, our erotic intelligence and shadow natures, and the link between pain and pleasure. And in the exploration I ran across something I'd heard about before, but never seen covered by mainstream news - orgasmic birth.

Talk about an area of our lives fraught with pain, shame, blame and shadow: childbirth

I believe it's Genesis 3:16 that says, "I will intensify the pangs of your childbearing; in pain shall you bring forth children."

Enjoy an excerpt from my article as well as the ABC news story and a link to an extraordinary site.

Why is it that so often where there is the intimacy, love and familiarity of long-term and life partnership, the sexual spark seems to dim, flicker and perhaps fade altogether? What gives?

Arousal is a complex paradoxical cocktail: it requires some amount of adrenaline, some degree of excitement and danger, while also requiring just enough safety to open to the risk of the unknown, the new and they mysterious.

Our conundrum: shadow aspects can be hot, exciting, intriguing. The taboo has simultaneous repulsion and appeal. Can our shadow – the very things we’ve decided have nothing to do with our best, most sacred selves have a place in our sacred sex and turned-on relationship lives?

When we can unlock formerly locked doors and embrace what was previously rejected, the result is often more wholeness and a divine homecoming. As Dossie Easton, marriage and family therapist and co-author of The Ethical Slut puts it, “… the shadow, our personal garbage pit, becomes the gateway through which we pass to travel in realms beyond ordinary consciousnesses.”

Dossie Easton explains when we dive into our past with consciousness, we get to rewrite the ending ourselves; we travel a familiar path, but come out as victors, rather than victims. And when it is injected with eros, with the very life force that sexual energy is, it is powerfully affirming – and we have created a new memory, now accessible in our consciousness. We turn our personal tragedies into triumphs.

She offers, “Lucifer actually means “light bearer”… the fallen angel who goes into unfathomable darkness with an unquenchable light inside him, and who carries the power of the villain and of the emancipator.”

But is going deeper into pain always necessary for its transformation? “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. But to penetrate the darkness we must summon all the powers of enlightenment that consciousness can offer,” says influential thinker and founder of Analytical psychology, Carl Jung. For some the healing process cannot bypass pain, and the “powers of enlightenment” have to bore directly through the dense center of suffering. Often, going through pain becomes the access to pleasure; it becomes a question of degree and the intention behind the exploration.

I admit to being rather skeptical, until I ran across an abcNews video story on orgasmic birth. Birth is considered to be one of the most painful experiences a body can endure, yet this showed many women having the same blissful, expansive sensations in birthing their babies as in sexual orgasm. One woman explained her process as re-interpreting the intense sensations of contractions and labor from painful to pleasureful. In fact, many of the same physiological actions occur in labor and birth as in sexual intercourse and orgasm.

We are all influenced, to one degree or another by spiritual lineages that have included shadow and pain in the quest for enlightened union: fasting, sleep deprivation, whirling dervishes, self-flagellation, walking uphill on the knees, etc. While many of these sought to punish and deny the body in order to get to spirit, others used pain as a transformative tool to lovingly unite the body with the divine.

Buddhist nun and author Pema Chodron reminds, “Staying with pain without loving-kindness is just warfare.”

----

News story:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Story?id=6120045&page=1

Amazing site:

http://www.orgasmicbirth.com/

----

Dancing Down Demons

2009-04-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

Years ago, I was a professional modern dancer. I did fairly well in a hard field, making my humble living (mostly) dancing in Europe, Israel and in New York City. Until one day I realized I spent 80% of each day hating myself.

When I did the math, that meant 80% of my life devoted to self-denigration, and that was too high a percentage (!) so I quit dancing as a profession.

I wasn't raised religiously, but I know being a dancer from a young age took the place of Catholic school or a rigorous, constrictive religious training. In terms of working harder for less for promise of reward later. In terms of denying the body for a higher cause. In terms of becoming a vessel for another's vision. In terms of striving for perfection as the basis for simply being alive. In terms of self-loathing and joy being mixed up in the same thing. And also in terms of feeling a light shine forth from me and feeling a visceral connection with the divine as I did this craft I loved very much.

Last year, about this time, I created a dance piece, not only so I could dance and enjoy myself, but so that I could work out any leftover demons of dance roaming around in my psyche. So I could be free to enjoy this most gorgeous of arts, one I am blessed to be very good at.

And come up the twice-warmed demons did! (You can read old posts from February - May of 2008 to see to track my dancing with demons...) I have never been more challenged, more stretched to the bone to focus, show up, problem solve on my feet. I have never felt more shame at not knowing what I should know, but could only come to know by the experience of going through it.

They say you only get the courage to do something after you've done it. I do believe I'm brave enough to truly dance now.

Here's the piece, for your viewing pleasure.

http://www.beforeplaydance.com/

on one side
are
our lives

discon nected
di/ssected & bi-sected
int er rupted by
(over-technologized)

misunderstanding @
our brutal

isolation

& on the other side
there lives
visceral connection:
beating heart (light!)
and red hot heat

she persists

regard
less

David Deida - dive in or run the other way?

2009-04-09T23:47:00.000-07:00

This is an article I wrote for New York Spirit Magazine, Spring 2009. Three couples take on a Deida week-long intensive. I'm one of the couples. Only two couples survive.

Read on here, or use this link:
http://www.nyspirit.com/issue154/Enlightened_Sex/

David Deida: Dive in or run the other way?

Enlightened Sex in the City takes a look at the work of a controversial spiritual master.

Best-selling author, powerfully insightful teacher, and provocative master of his craft, David Deida is arguably your man if you are looking to study sexuality as spirituality.

In addition to countless students, David’s work has inspired the likes of well-known achievement coach Tony Robbins, Ken Wilber of the Integral Institute and minister and spiritual spokeswoman, Marianne Williamson. For as many hearts he’s inspired to ecstasy and minds he’s blown wide open to divine love, there are just as many who’ve come away pissed off and disillusioned, hurt and burnt.

I first encountered David Deida’s work when my fiancée handed me the book, The Way of the Superior Man. Just the title set off alarm bells to my neo-feminist sensibilities, but I read it anyways and became hooked on Deida’s heartfelt prescription for erotically-charged harmony between the sexes. I’ve since read most of Deida’s books, heard him speak numerous times and have placed myself (and fiancée) in Deida’s masterful hands during a week-long intensive.

The heart of Deida’s work is about living your deepest truth and giving your greatest gifts, in the face of pain, broken hearts, confusing partners, and your own personality maze. He offers information, skills and energetic/body practices so as to be of service to the force of divine love in the universe, through your loving, love-making and relating.

In a moment, you’ll meet two other couples: Kendra and Decker and Bryan and KC, who have recently taken a week-long intensive with Deida. One couple finds their marriage deepening and opening; the other broke up as a result of the workshop. What is it about Deida’s sexual and spiritual truths that have the power to send two hearts more deeply aflame in connection, and for two others, sears their relationship to cinders?
Deida offers potent definitions of the essence of – and the interplay between – the divine masculine and feminine.

He describes the masculine as depth of presence; archetypically and energetically it is piercing presence, stillness, purpose and will, a penetrating force by which and through which the world and all experience is felt and known. The feminine is all possibility, all movement and dynamic creative energies; fire and fury, sweetness and comfort changing on a dime, the fierce beauty of life and experience itself. The feminine is attracted to depth of presence and the masculine is attracted to that which is flush with energy.

Deida positions the romantic relationship as a means to understand and be in service of the divine feminine and masculine within your self and within your partner; it is a way of continually opening to more love and appreciation, and for sexuality to be divine prayer. Many people can misunderstand Deida’s work and assume simply that women should be more feminine and men more masculine. As Deida says in an interview with Bodhi Tree Bookstore, “We're multidimensional and fluid beings. There's nothing wrong with any of us identifying with more masculine or more feminine, more consciousness or more light at any particular moment except when it creates closure or problems because we're not using it wisely.”

Another important principle in Deida’s work is that of polarity. As with magnets, there is the most irresistible pull between distinctly different charges – negative on one side, positive on the other. Deida adds, “Any time one person is in their masculine and one person is in their feminine, it's like a magnet or electricity happens between them, and it doesn't matter if they're committed in a relationship or total strangers.” Much of Deida’s work is about cultivating polarity – with masculine on one end of the spectrum and feminine on the other, to maintain and deepen sexual attraction.

Another important aspect of Deida’s work revolves around his three stages of development: “Any time you're doing something for yourself, for me, me, me, it's the first stage. Any time you're doing something on the sense of equality and sharing making sure you’re both safe and okay, it's the second stage. And any time you're doing something for the sake of all beings, it's the third stage. You may die in the process. Martin Luther King, Jesus Christ, and Mother Teresa are third stage people, but we could all have those moments every day. All you have to do is be in a disposition of serving, regardless of the outcome to yourself, and that's the third stage.”

It was for this and more that we all came. Kendra and Decker, recently married, were well aware of the potential to get bored and take each other for granted over the span of their marriage and they decided to fix it before it was broken in 5, 15 or 50 years. The wanted to be able to continue to appreciate and truly know each other as well as deepen their sexual connection; they wanted to be able to have moments of tantric merging at will, rather than at random. The urging of their good friend and business partner, Bryan, was the deciding factor to dive in. Bryan is a coach and leads seminars for men – the Authentic Man Program – along with Decker and Kendra, and KC is a meditation teacher and sensuality coach. KC and Bryan decided similarly to do the workshop for similar reasons: a more solid relationship and deeper sexual practices. A long time student of Deida, Bryan wanted to receive the direct benefits and transmission possible through being with him personally.

The week-long intensive I attended with my partner was called the Yoga of Sex and Relationship. Obviously confused at the outset, we thought we were going to do a little yoga and learn some sensual and sexual practices that would amplify our connection. When we got there, we were all told there was to be no touching, kissing or exchanging bodily fluids for the whole week, not even with our partner. The next morning we found out that yoga in Deida-land doesn’t mean familiar stretchy, sweaty, feel-good asanas.

Deida draws a distinction between therapy, yoga and spirituality: therapy is past and healing-based; the whys and hows. To use a metaphor of a hole in a panel of stained glass, therapy is fixing the hole. Yoga – disciplined practice, a means and a way – is the polishing of the colored glass, regardless of the hole, making beauty out of the hole. It is the ability to take whatever you’ve got, whether or not it’s what you like or prefer, no matter how ugly, and transform it into art, surrendering to the divine, regardless. Spirituality? Well, everything’s perfect, as it is; there never was any hole in the stained glass. Deida defines his work as yoga with the goal of making art out of sexing and loving. Although it can be useful to at times go back and do some therapy on stuff, and his work does rub up against spirituality, Deida is about yoga. Attending his yogic workshops for most is like an interactive, intense, challenging co-creation of art – and a certain level of comfort can’t be your priority. At then end of each break throughout the day, I had to gird my loins to go back in and continue to do yoga and make art.

Relationship is as good a spiritual vehicle as any to experience divinity – but possibly the most challenging. For those of us who haven’t committed to being celibate monks and who choose relationship as spiritual path, Deida offers a map. In addition to a greater appreciation for herself, Kendra’s greatest take-away was to see how the masculine and feminine naturally clash and to not take it so seriously when it comes up in life. The problem isn’t over there with the opposite sex; your partner will continue to baffle, annoy, anger and disappoint you; it all comes with the territory. The feminine can often appear as volatile and unstable and the masculine can often appear as dense and inconsiderate. In a moment of humor, Deida says, “Ask yourself, is this the crazy bitch I want to be with?” or “is this the stupid asshole I want to be with?” Rather than bemoaning it, or assuming the next one will be less wacky or less of a jerk, the key is to learn how to dance with the essence of feminine and masculine, as an expression of your greatest truth in each moment.

All of us who took the workshop are facilitators and coaches and represent a younger generation of teachers working with men and women who want deeper relating, the ability to truly connect with others, and greater authenticity. One of the things taught in the Authentic Man Program is how to cultivate connection, to really “get” where another is at, often called resonance. Decker walked away from the week with Deida with the profound distinction of polarity versus resonance. The choice of when to go for resonance and connect with another, and when to choose polarity in order to retain powerful presence and purposeful separateness, has changed his life, relationship, organization and marriage – forever. Rather than always defaulting to being intimate and close, he is grateful for the choice of being able to bring his best, no matter what ride his partner is on.

With tears in her eyes, KC attempts to convey the depth of gratitude for what she got from the challenging workshop and the fallout – her breakup: a space of profoundly valuing herself, the gift of opening heart and body to another, and an understanding of her “blueprint” for attraction. When we take things we think are ugly, dark and wrong and shine light and love through them, they have this miraculous effect of being able to open the heart and body. Deida’s work can be remarkably transformational because he isn’t afraid to go to the dark epicenter and make art by finding beauty everywhere, in every moment. And then we become no longer afraid of ourselves, nor of living fully.

Bryan left with a deep sense of what he is and what he is not; getting himself as perfect, yet wanting more for himself. The workshop compounded issues between him and KC and broke them apart. Although the type of solid masculine man of deep character espoused by Deida is something that Bryan aspires to, he realized it just isn’t him. It’s like going against his natural strengths of fluidity and movement. One of the unfortunate pitfalls of Deida’s work is that many try to become “Deida-bots,” adapting postures or behaviors, developing an exoskeleton (of the kind Deida is actually trying to dissolve), and never make it back to themselves. Although not totally Bryan’s experience, he still says, “For the month after the workshop, I was raking myself over the coals, trying to become someone I am not. I am still sorting through what is true for me,” After periods of mourning and grieving the year of being together with KC, he is still left feeling infinitely deepened. As he says, “Can you stay open in the face of some of the most painful emotional experiences you’ve ever had? The cup of your joy is carved by your sorrow.”

Although Deida’s workshops are not inherently unsafe or dangerous, it is up to each participant to honor themselves. It can be important to separate teacher from teachings, since some masters or enlightened beings still have a shadow side and could do with a little therapy themselves. Deida is the first to acknowledge he’s far from perfect. Deida has profound mastery of his topics, lives much like a social recluse and shirks any markings of being a guru. Whether or not participants make him into a guru is another matter. His workshops are designed as a microcosm of real life and relationship; they are designed to push edges, because this is really how it’s going to feel and be with your partner. If you are not strong and supple, upset in the relationship will just be another excuse not to love.

Looking back at the experience, we all agree: being in the room with Deida for a long week is inherently beneficial for anyone hungry, aware or developed enough to receive it. He’s the real deal. With a bent more toward rigor than compassion, Deida’s work is still that of a living master. It’s not for everyone. Most wouldn’t trade it, but there aren’t many who are clear they’d do it again. As KC puts it, “You have to be kind of crazy to do something like this, but crazy in a really gorgeous way, so hungry for the most beautiful, raw living – and that isn’t always what you think it is.”
Deida offers us an avenue to meet the dark stuff – that we all share, teachers and students alike – with love. It is about cultivating discipline and ferocious intensity, but for the ultimate goal of living in beauty and union, of striving toward the divine through sex and love.

Deida offers a way to open your heart, give your greatest gifts and love as fully as you can this lifetime. Yes, he’ll urge you to push your edges in yoga and in practices, when you have a week, weekend or hour set aside for it. But the rest of the time, he reminds us to make our lives as kind as we possibly can for this gentle soul we find ourselves in relationship with.

David Deida offers a demanding path to become strong – so that we can be sweet.

-----

LiYana Silver, Relationship Specialist and regular contributor to New York Spirit, is a teacher, counselor and writer – with a reverently irreverent outlook and a true love of true partnership. She works primarily with women and couples in intensives, retreats and in individualized sessions. For upcoming events and more information, please visit her website: http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com.

-----

To learn more about David Deida’s teachings, books and workshops, visit: http://www.deida.info.
To learn more about the Authentic Man Program, visit: http://www.authenticmanprogram.com.
To learn more about KC Baker’s work: http://www.kcbaker.com.

-----

Love, Love, Love

2009-03-17T14:09:00.001-07:00

You know those people at the gym that jam out on the elliptical machine like they are in a nightclub, lip-syncing along with their ear phoned-in music, arms flailing and hair tossing, occasionally emitting some high-pitched screechy sounds that resemble singing?

I am one of those people.

I jam at the gym. I admit it. (That'd me, above, if I were ipod-ized)

Last week, I was listening to a new Lenny Kravitz song, "Love, Love, Love" (go download it from iTunes or whathaveyou) and got to thinking about Love, God and What Really Matters.

The Cliff Notes version of Lenny's song is that he don't need nothin - like money, fame, jewelry, drugs or someone to get him laid - he's got LOVE. It's a great song, and very conducive to gym-jamming. And, really, what does Matter?

The economy is deeply messed up and we all feel it. So many have been hard-core affected, and those who've only felt it peripherally, it's on our minds. As much as I bow my head to the realities of many people's lives, scorched and splintered by our nose-diving economy, I also still see that this country is still the richest in the world, still happily consuming away. For most (not all) of us, it means we now can't buy a new car, we have to make due with our three-year old one. Or we can't buy the blu-ray player, we have to make due with our DVD player. American consuming and rich livin' marches on for most. Yet still, there's nothing like the threat of recession and depression to get us frightened about all that can be taken away.

But what doesn't get taken away? What feeds Mother Theresa? What sustained Nelson Mandela in prison for all those years? What made Gandhi get up, morning after morning, sore from another beating? What fuels a single mother of three toddlers in the inner city?

I call it Love.

What is it that you Love?

What thunders through you, demanding to be felt? What moves you, taps at your heart and buckles you at your knees? What doesn't go away when your things do? What doesn't go away when your lover or your mother does? What feeds you, but not through your plate? What courses through your veins and comes out as a palpable blast of creativity? What quietly keeps you company when your heart is breaking? What compels you to sing in the shower - or at the gym?

What is it that you Love?

Bow to That. Cultivate That. Honor That. Feed That. Flirt with That.

We could all do with a direct upline to Love, Love, Love.

And while you are madly flirting with the unique expression of Love and experience of Love in your life, watch this clip of Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of "Eat, Pray, Love") speaking on Creativity, Genius, God and Love on Ted TV:

http://www.ted.org/index.php/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

It was my eye-watering, heart-melting, exultant dose of Love today.

Go Love, Love, Love.

LiYana

At Home with the Erotic

2009-01-29T12:35:00.000-08:00

Soon, I'll get married. And have a baby.
All of which I'm grandly looking forward to.
(Soon being relative, mind you)

I've always done everything in my life back-ass-wards, in my own time, against the current and by my own rules - and the marriage thing and the baby thing will be no different. Personalized vows, a pre-nuptual arrangement (so we both know what institution we are signing up for!), a highly unusual ceremony, living "off the grid," and the child born into the village it takes to raise it: these are all par for the course for me.

Although I do everything unconventionally and it doesn't look like it's about to change any time soon, I wonder about the conventional phenomenon of the decline of sexual desire within long-term relationship. The sizzle subsides. The heat peters out. The comfort of home and hearth replace the fire of the loins. Not for everyone, but for so, so many.

Should we not get into long-term partnership if we want to keep our erotic embers alive? Is it inevitable or can we practice, will, hope, create, connive and reason our way out of the inevitability? And why does it prove to be so ubiquitously inevitable?

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with giving sex a break. After that many years together, some folks might be happy to get a rest, to have time to devote to intimacy, conversation, travel, children, learning, cuddling, what have you. A hot sex life is only a priority if it's a priority.

But what if it is a priority - and it's going down the tubes? I've just been reading and heartily enjoying "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel, NYC based sex/couples therapist.

http://www.estherperel.com/

She posits that one cause for the decline is that the safety, intimacy and comfort that are the hard-won results of long-term partnership are often at odds with the unknown, taboo and forbidden that fuel our sexual and erotic connections.

Another is the identity clash some of us feel in our new roles as wife, husband or family maker. A dutiful wife should be self-sacrificing and not tend to her pleasure, right? A caring husband wouldn't have THOSE kinds of thoughts about the mother of his children, would he?

But who says what we want in one area of our life carries over part and parcel to another? Aren't we flexible beings, capable of wearing many hats? Can we be a vixen in bed and a entrepreneur in life? Can't we be a fantastic parent and into whatever kink we are into? Isn't it a paradox in the first place to be human, to be in a relationship, even?

Perhaps including all our oxymoronic parts in one teeming relationship is what the whole thing is about.

Perhaps embracing the paradox and including what would ordinarily be excluded is the key to getting all we want WITHIN the relationship, rather than going OUTSIDE the relationship. The statistic is that somewhere between 50-80% of people cheat. Yowsa.

As Esther Perel writes:

"Family life flourishes in a an atmosphere of comfort and consistency. Yet eroticism resides in unpredictability, spontaneity, and risk. Eros is a force that doesn't like to be constrained. When it settles into repetition, habit, or rules, it touches its death. It is then transformed into boredom and sometimes, more powerfully into repulsion. Sex, a harbinger of loss of control, is fraught with uncertainty and vulnerability. But when kids come on the scene, our tolerance for these destabilizing emotions takes a dive. Perhaps this is why they are so often relegated to the fringes of family life. What eroticism thrives on, family life defends against."

"When we validate one another's freedom within the relationship, we're less inclined to search for it elsewhere. [Infidelity] is no longer a shadow but a presence, something to talk out openly, joke about, play with. When we can tell the truth safely, we are less inclines to keep secrets."

So, here's to telling the truth - all of it.
Here's to a hearth and home that embraces not only our excellent communication, our brilliant intimacy, our integrity and our loving kindness, but our seducer, our temptress, our shadow, our illicit, and our quickly-beating erotic hearts.

---

Reverse Spiritual Cowgirls in Red

2009-01-19T11:10:00.000-08:00

Don't all magical things converge in threes?

One

I lit a red candle today, in honor of my dear father, who passed away on October 23, 2008. Red for Roland (my dad). I'm trying to sense into the ways his essence is still with me. He's not so much a guardian angel type, more like a trickster, a coyote or kokopeli. So as my best plans for efficiency and hard work unravel and snag, I wonder if it's my dear dad, reminding me to lift my head up, sip life, enjoy the art in the making around me, the ordinary made extraordinary by taking the time to see it. And leave time for some mischief, too.

To keep track of our toothbrushes, growing up, it ws Red for Roland, Blue for Beverly, my mom (who is a guardian angel) and Yellow for LiYana (ok, that's a stretch, but what color starts with L? I don't think lime-colored toothbrushes existed in the 1970s)

Two

As I was sitting at my red candle, I saw that the book of matches was stamped with "Camp Reverse Cowgirl" - and remembered getting it at Burning Man this last year. I sparkly woman in a cowgirl hat handed it to me as a reward for making it back alive after flying in an open-cockpit plane with a friend. For those of you that don't know, Burning Man is a 50,000 person summer camp for adults in the Black Rock desert of Nevada. Each year, folks come and set up extraordinary art installations, dance, and bring new meaning to extreme camping, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Many folks form themselves into theme camps, such as the Reverse Cowgirls.

In case you don't know, a Cowgirl is not only an intrepid lass exploring her way to her own personal frontiers, but is also an affectionate name for the sexual position when the woman is on top. Reverse Cowgirl, well, you can probably make the picture.

Maybe you recognize this chic?

And check out the picture, up and to your right, yo!

Three

And then there's one of my newest friends and colleagues, Sera Beak. I met her when we were both interviewed on the Stuart Davis Show, "Sex, God, Rock & Roll" a couple of months ago. I realized her book, "The Red Book: A Deliciously Unorthodox Approach to Igniting Your Divine Spark" was hugely helpful to me, years and years ago, as I was redesigning my business and creating www.ReDefiningMonogamy.com.

The Red Book. It's all about "going Red," connecting to the real, alive, beating heart of spirituality, in that kind of raw, outlaw kind of way. The divine is nowhere that you are not; the divine is having a divine/human experience through you.

Sera's up to starting a Redvolution.

Here's Sera, in a phone booth, which I suspect is one of the art installations at Burning Man.

Welcome spiritual cowgirls and boys … This is Sera Beak, a Harvard-trained scholar of world religions and intrepid spiritual cowgirl who spent the last 12 years traveling the world exploring spirituality -- from whirling with Sufi dervishes to meeting the Dalai Lama on her 21st birthday; from taking the host from a Croatian Catholic mystic who had the stigmata (truly) to having life-altering visions with a shaman (and everything in between). She's synthesized her experience and research into a new book and have come to one conclusion:

(it’s not what you think)

The Golden Age of divine booty calls.
Is not in the ancient past.
It’s right now.

So then the question becomes:
How the hell do we wink back?
One answer: By turning red, of course.

Check it out:

http://www.serabeak.com/

"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!"

- Anonymous

---

Pablo Neruda and Skype

2009-01-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

The truth is, these last few weeks have felt like hell. Negotiations with my partner on leaving San Francisco, how to combine keeping my business flourishing and me writing my book while we take off on a sailboat for a year, or two. We are good negotiators, but sometimes our skill level is surpassed by the complexity of the situation. This has been one of those times.

It's gotten heavy, snarled, emotional, chargey and even ugly. I've been scared. I don't think the straightest when I'm terrified.

Today, the last person I expected to be my angel, was.
Nathan, my partner in crime, in life and in love.
Nathan, on a boat, our home to be, in the Caribbean:

The Pablo Neruda part comes after the Skype part.

Our Skype chat from today:

LiYana
1:21 PM
how are you feeling about me?

Nathan
1:22 PM
i'm feeling good about you
i like you
i like us
i like our time together
i don't have all the answers
but i feel like things will work out
with creativity and intelligence and sensitivity
we made it through crazier things and have been the better for it
we'll do the same in leaving san fran / sailing / leaving sailing
come out better for it, is my thought on it.
what do you think?

LiYana
1:24 PM
generally, i like that, it makes sense
i'm having a very difficult time right now
i guess nothing to do about it

Nathan
1:25 PM
anything i can do to help with your difficult time?

LiYana Silver
1:27 PM
i'm shy to express things like that
since it's gotten us intro trouble lately
mostly, it's not your deal, so i try to work it out on my own, but then i isolate and it's hard for me to connect or be vulnerable

if i share, or ask for support, eventually it becomes something that you don't like doing, and it causes problems, and i feel like a jerk for asking, for needing, for relying on you

these last few days i feel lost, like leaving SF now, things seems pointless while we are apart

Nathan
1:30 PM
hmmm
it is hard to have decided to leave, with a transition time
i can feel that
of course, you're welcome to come to the boat and do nothing but work for the first 2 months
though i think some things are better in san fran

i've been thinking about coming back earlier in feb
so as to have less time apart
as another way to do it

LiYana
1:34 PM
that's sweet. i'm surprised and delighted to hear it
i wouldn't want you to miss out on being there, if it's important
i don't have good thinking on it

Nathan
1:35 PM
no worries ... i'm thinking on it ...
i figure it will all make sense as we go along
mostly
i just come back to
i love you
i feel better with you
life always works out better than i expect
even when it doesn't feel like that will be the case
so not to worry too much, but be healthy, eat well, love a lot, and stay Awake
and make the best decisions with the most information we have

LiYana
1:36 PM
i'm just so scared
terrified, actually

Nathan
1:36 PM
what is your worst fear?

LiYana
1:37 PM
two i think

that i'll give up on myself, what's important to me

that i'll be that woman who follows you and eventually, you'll hate that woman, who has no center

Nathan
1:40 PM
i hear you love

on the first one, i feel like you're doing good at holding out and discussing what's really important to you

and i feel like i've moved a lot around supporting your business, and will only get better around whatever i understand is really important to you

on the second one ... i don't think its a real fear ...
i think its dangerous to think that way
because it puts you between two losing options
one to not follow me, to be independent, and to lose me
or to follow me, to lose yourself, and to lose me
i don't think either is accurate

LiYana
1:42 PM
that's kind of what it feels like

Nathan
1:42 PM
yes. i think that second one is a construct where its reasonable to be terrified
its an unwinnable construct

not sure how to assure you the 2nd is not true. likely there is nothing i can say around it. but i'd say that's the place to focus your thoughts / talking to others / talking to me

LiYana
1:43 PM
if it's not true, what is?
i get that it's not winable, just not sure what IS winable?

Nathan
1:44 PM
that you are a woman i repeatedly and consistently show affection, love and loyalty too.

and that you being you will cause that to continue
the you that is strong and flexible, and follower and a leader
who negotiations nicely but firmly
who stands for what she wants and needs, but who considers me and my needs as well
the lionness
and the seductress
the woman by my side
and the woman out ahead

i think you are a unique and amazing woman, who has the skills and ability to be with me, and be better as a result
and i don't know any other that will be

LiYana
1:46 PM
those are nice things
thank you

Nathan
1:46 PM
not nice. true.

LiYana
1:48 PM
i don't what to say, sorry, i am crying

Nathan
1:48 PM
its ok. i love you liyana. i think you should keep doing what you are doing. feeling in the dark, doing your best. negotiationg, leading, following, petitioning, giving in, what feels right.
trusting your instincts for when to
go along, when to dig in your heels
i'd look at the current situation
from a place of what do your instincts say would be the best to do, the best to say

if you trust that will be the best thing, and it will all work out in your favor if you follow it
and do that, be true to that, come what will

LiYana
1:50 PM
that is very good guidance
do you always trust your instincts?
or listen to them?

Nathan
1:52 PM
i listen to them
then do everything not to listen to them
and then come back to listening to them, and generally doing what they say
even when it makes little sense
they are my navigation in complex waters
and when i look back on my life, they've always been right

none made sense at the time. all took courage. all were the right thing to do in retrospect

you have developed instincts. listen to them. see what you come up with. trust them. trust yourself. you know!

this is one thing i know to be true about you
no bullshit
we share this trait/skill

LiYana
1:54 PM
thanks for saying all these things about me. it's helpful. i'm not feelng very good about myself. it's good to get a little outside perspective.

Nathan
1:55 PM
you're being great, you know?
liyana, i love and adore you
i'm sorry this is a rough time
i have empathy.. and i feel rsponsible. and i know i'm doing the best i can
you'll get through it
listen to your soul, listen to your pussy
and tell me what they say later on, sometime soon

LiYana
1:55 PM
ok, i will, my love

Nathan
1:55 PM
i love you

LiYana
1:55 PM
i appreciate your seeing and level-headedness and compassion right now
i need it
i wasn't expecting it, and i couldn't ask for it

i love you, too, nathan, this i know

Nathan
1:57 PM
i love you liyana
i always ask myself, do i love liyana, am i better person as a result of being with her
and i consistently come back with
absolutely

LiYana
1:59 PM
this is what i wanted to ask for before, when you asked how you can help me: your compassion, love, tenderness, support

thank you
more than you can imagine
thank you

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.”

- Pablo Neruda

-----

Rock it

2009-01-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

I was at a friend's for dinner a couple of nights ago and got to spend time with a new friend, Annie Lalla, who said the most astounding thing I have to pass along to you now.

We were talking of the ups and downs of life, of what to "do" with an emotion that surges up, less-than-comfortable. She said, "I always think of rocking my emotions to sleep like a baby."

Imagine. Holding each emotion close to your heart, gently, and rocking, letting it spin out its howling, its tantrum, its longing, its misery. Until with enough time, warmth, love and compassion, it quiets and it comes home.

Incidentally, Annie has a fabulous last name, Lalla, also the name of a woman ecstatic Sufi poet. Here's one of Sufi Lalla's gems:

I was passionate,
filled with longing,
I searched
far and wide.

But the day
that the Truthful One
found me,
I was at home.

Past and Future, Lives

2008-11-24T19:33:00.000-08:00

There are two past lives I am clear about having:

First one, a recently electro-shocked patient in a mental institution. The walls were putrid green, shiny and the floor hard. There was no way out of that shattered mind.

The second was as a black woman, in a river, with bright red blood running from my recently slit throat, down over my white dress. They had just killed my husband and taken my two babies.

You know about my life-long study and research of mental, physical and spiritual wellness, as evidenced by my work.

Less known, however, is that I always resonated strongly with black culture and spent my childhood devouring the works of Alice Walker and Toni Morrison and later found the key to my dancing career by taking West African dance. Whether or not I am hallucinating my past lives, I have a deep respect for the wisdom - and hard, hard won graciousness - that courses through the veins of black people, especially those in the United States.

This is a beautiful letter, from Alice Walker to our President Elect. May you be as inspired, grateful and an advocate for your health, joy and delight whilst also making the rain come and miracles happen in your own life and community.

"We are the ones we have been waiting for."
- Alice Walker

An Open Letter to Barack Obama, from Alice Walker, writer
Nov. 5, 2008

Dear Brother Obama,

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done. We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope, previously only sung about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family deserve this fate. One way of thinking about all this is: It is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people's enemies. Most damage that others do to us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought, "hate the sin, but love the sinner." There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people's spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to "work with the enemy" internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.

In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker

Mother Theresa and Me

2008-11-07T22:20:00.000-08:00

I'm in the air on a United flight headed toward Denver, to be interviewed on an episode of the Stuart Davis Show, "Sex, God and Rock & Roll.

I'll be interviewed along with Spiritual Cowgirl, Sera Beak, author of The Red Book (http://www.amazon.com/Red-Book-Deliciously-Unorthodox-Approach/dp/0787980544), which you must immediately purchase and dive into tip to toe - after you finish reading this post, of course. I found and read Sera's book when I was writing my own website, re-defining my life path, passion and what I wanted to put into the world. She'll inspire you to re-define your divinity, devotion and spirituality, in the sassiest, most delicious and intrepid ways possible.

But back to what Stuart and I are going to talk about:

Relationship As A Spiritual Path: Can a relationship do what an ashram does? In what ways do we use spiritual practices, communities or teachers to avoid deeper engagement with ourselves and partners?

Sexuality a a Spiritual Practice: What do I actually DO when I support people to re-define monogamy?

"The Age of Integration": We are at the apex of an evolutionary arc which has thrown people, cultures and perspectives - which previously never could have reached each other - into the melting pot of exchange and contact. What does that mean for relationships?

You'll have to tune in to the interview to get the full discussion (I'll let you know when and how to watch it), but the heart of it is that relationships, or should I say relating (the active, kinetic and dynamic verb form, rather than the static noun form) and sex most certainly can be profound, life-long spiritual path.

There is no place that is not holy, no moment that can't offer you opening to God. Perhaps there is no better place than relationships.

The way I see it, spirituality is a path, a journey, a way, with some goals along the way:
- To become fully adult human beings, to ripen the mind, body and emotions in order to awaken to the truth of who we are.
- To align with what matters, and know that nothing really matters. To be a loving, loved human being, wringing all sacred and irreverent experience from this incarnation.
- To mature the mind, body and emotions to have the experience of unity, rather than duality and separateness.
- To align our humanity with divinity; is is our humanity's interplay with divinity.
- To achieve the goal of awakening and/or enlightenment, which to come to know, beyond doubt, from direct experience, Who We Are, What does not die, That which exists always, even when the body dies.

Anything in life, with clear intention, can offer spiritual path; relationship, ashram, dancing, the dishes...

We can get confused and think that being really nice, selfless, generous and meditating a lot is very spiritual, and is what enlightenment and spirituality is about. Enlightenment and spirituality are nothing but kissing cousins, but that's for another blog post. Spirituality isn't about being Good; its about aligning with and acting from love, devotion, celebration and enjoyment as our default, not because it gets us sainted or points in heaven, but because it feels the best and is the most fun, and opens us to divinity the quickest.

As says Mother Theresa:

* PEOPLE are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

* If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

* If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

* If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

* What you take years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

* If you find serenity and joy, some may be jealous. Be joyful anyway.

* The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

* Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

* In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

Relationships seem like they are "between you and them," and on one level they are; they do ripen us into our humanity. Relationships are also a microcosm of what's most sacred, "between you and God."

Colors

2008-10-28T19:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight my mother asked me to find this poem on google, I believe to read at my father's memorial tomorrow. My sister lost her husband only a few months ago, and so I dedicate this to my own husband-to-be, whom I only hope with all my heart to have as much time as a liftetime with, as my mother and sister had with theirs...

Colours

When your face
appeared over my crumpled life
at first I understood
only the poverty of what I have.
Then its particular light
on woods, on rivers, on the sea,
became my beginning in the coloured world
in which I had not yet had my beginning.
I am so frightened, I am so frightened,
of the unexpected sunrise finishing,
of revelations
and tears and the excitement finishing.
I don't fight it, my love is this fear,
I nourish it who can nourish nothing,
love's slipshod watchman.
Fear hems me in.
I am conscious that these minutes are short
and that the colours in my eyes will vanish
when your face sets.

Yevgeny Yevtushenko

Friendship and Mortality

2008-10-28T19:03:00.001-07:00

on thursday, october 23, my father, roland lazarus silver, passed away

he died at 80 years old, after a long, painful struggle with cancer and radiation

although i spent the months up to this time asking myself if there was anything to "resolve" with him and felt loving and completely at peace with our relationship, people told me there would always be something unsaid or that i would wish to know

and there is - i wish to know more about his life: his mistakes, his proudest moments, his passions, his thoughts, his adventures, his loves, his losses; not as a role model or father, but as an intelligent, self-made man, a kindred traveler, a fascinating and perfectly flawed fellow human being

15 years ago, my childhood home caught fire, and along with everything else, all our family photos were incinerated; afterward, friends and family sent us copies of photos, some replacements, some entirely new-to-us or long-forgotten

out of loss came, pieced together, new fragments, even more precious since they came anew, gathered by friends near and far

the following is a letter from my mother's first husband, whom she was with before she met my father

it is beautiful of it's own account, but it also paints a resplendent fragment of my father's life, rescued from his ashes, a detail that would otherwise would have died with him last week

----

A friend of mine died today. He was not a close friend; indeed, although I knew him for 45 years, I barely knew him at all, and some people would be surprised that I considered him a friend.

Rollo Silver was 80 years old. He died in a hospital in the Boston area where I first knew him, although he spent the last half of his life living in New Mexico. Rollo was married to my first wife, Beverly. Even though Beverly and I were married for ten years, she spent most of her life with Rollo, and he spent half of his life with her. Our children spent more time under Rollo's roof than under mine,

I was in my late 20s, Rollo in his early 30s when we first met. We were both living in Brookline and had some friends in common. I always found him intriguing because he had an uncommonly vast store of knowledge, a widely ranging curiosity, and a penetrating imagination. He and I shared an interest in futurist speculation and in trying to examine experience without preconceptions. Yet he had an aloof stance that often put me off, and so I sometimes judged him to be too "way out" for me, somewhat strange. Nevertheless I liked him a lot.

Unbeknownst to me, he and Beverly fell in love at some point, and eventually she left me to be with him. Friendships usually end when such things happen, but I was surprised - after several years of anger and resentment - to find myself on friendly terms with both Rollo and Beverly. There was always some tension between us. Reflecting on this, I came to think that both of us strove to be non-judgmental and non-competitive in our dealings with others, but that we aroused these traits in each other when we were together. So an uneasy relationship precluded a close friendship. And yet we were friends.

Rollo was something of a "renaissance man". He translated his love of mathematics into beautiful pictures based on the Mandelbrot set, and he played Mozart angelically on the piano. He founded a commune of sorts in New Mexico, and he developed the practical skills needed to get by on very little in that environment. He abandoned a career at MIT but he continued to work as a computer scientist.

He and Beverly with the help of a host of friends built a beautiful house on the Lama mountainside. The bricks were made by hand, rammed earth with cement, dried like adobe in the New Mexico sun. Some of those bricks included my labor, and somehow that helped me "cement" our friendship. The house burned down in a wildfire, but the brick walls are still intact.

In one of our last conversations, Rollo reminisced nostalgically about a cross-country trip he took in his teens, right after WWII. He rode the rails with a friend, like hobos of the 30s, and he told me of the powerful effect of lying on a flatcar and watching the stars overhead in the summer sky. It's an image that has lingered with me, of his heart longing for unity with the rest of nature, while his intellect sought to understand nature deeply. I felt the experience he described --- and I felt it was as much about the end of the journey as about its beginning. In some strange way, I rode the rails with him. It's true that over the years Rollo and I hardly ever met or spoke. Even so, there was something we shared, hard to pin down. I'm calling it friendship.

As we age, notions of our mortality become more present in our minds and hearts. Any death will bring these ideas to the surface, but the passing of a friend makes them truly vivid. Not surprisingly, today dying was on my mind.

Reflecting today on Rollo's passing, I thought about how much of our lives are inhabited by our friends; by laughter with friends, by tension between friends, by shared experiences with friends, by simply being friends.

Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by a longing to be with my friends. There are so many friends that I haven't seen recently, that I haven't spoken to for a while, that I haven't corresponded with for some time, that I miss in my life.

If you received this letter from me, it's because you are in that number. You are one of the friends that I miss, even if I saw you yesterday. I wanted to write to you today because even though I expect to live a lot longer, I am reminded that any one of us could die tomorrow.

Men are great

2008-10-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

All the time I have men showing up as kings, princes, saviors, heros and gods.

This is partly to do with them, and a lot to do with me.
With the eyes I see them with.
With what I've done with my anger toward them (felt it, channeled it, loved it down).
With the language, "ManSpeak" I've learned over many embarrassing years.
With the simple skills needed to at once honor and make receptive any man.

I love, respect and cherish men.
They love, respect and cherish me right back, 10-fold.
It was not always so.

I get all in a lather about this stuff, and want you to have it too.

You can and you will by doing anything and everything I have to offer:

Powerful Women in Partnership & Holding Space for Powerful Women
2-Part Tele-Class Series:

http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/teleseinar.html

Find Yourself in a Rockin' Relationship
Become More of Yourself Without Settling for Less!
... a workshop intensive for women:

http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/LSWworkshop.html

Or, you'll figure it out on your own.
Maybe it will take a few years or lifetimes longer - maybe not.
But whenever we can share this great stuff, let's do.
It's so fun, such a relief, so delicious here.
Come join me and the great men.

If you can't find them, conjure them into being by enhancing YOU.

The Experiment

2008-10-11T15:02:00.001-07:00

The Experiment

I have to admit to you something I'm kind of sheepish to admit. In fact just yesterday, a girlfriend of mine and I were walking downtown on the streets of the Upper West Side in Manhattan, and she said to me in her respectful (not) way, "I can't believe you're not over that yet."

Thanks, girlfriend.

I was speaking about an experiment I've been doing: taking on full-cloth doing and committing to and putting energy into only those things that I truly love. If it is full of juice and excitement for me, I go for it. If it doesn't, I pass. For example, I know the path to a successful, passive-income rich website that gives great content and products to the world, complete with internet marketing, search-engine optimization, affiliate programs, list-building, etc. I know HOW to do it, I just would rather gnaw off my own leg than do it. I'm not interested, really, although there's part of me that's sure I should be.

This is hard for me because coded deep in the instinctual layers of my cells is the assertion that I need to work hard to get the things I want. I used to live day in and out like this, auditioning in across Europe and in New York City as a dancer, working three jobs and all that. I worked hard, really, really hard. I got some of the things I was working so hard to get, but there's always room to work harder - at least in the nooks and crannies of my mind. I'm sheepish because I'm still "not over" the nagging concern that for things to work out, I've got to do things I hate and work really hard at all of it.

Now, things have really changed. Over the last 10 years, I did enough personal growth on this topic to kill a small horse. And I'm pretty great, remanants, though there may be. I essentially created for myself the 4-Hour Workweek, LiYana style. I'm a "Relationship Whisperer." Relationships tend to flourish around me, much to my delight. I've got a blessed, amazing life, a relationship that is a living, breathing work of art, I don't worry about money, I have extraordinary friends and colleagues that serve the world in amazing life-affirming ways and kick my butt when I need it. I've got a healthy body and mind, I have freedom and I am deeply well person. I don't mind working hard, in fact the racehorse in me loves it and if I don't get out for a run around the track now and again I get antsy. And if I took a long look at it, most of the amazing things I've created did come out of hard work - but only after some letting go, getting out of my way, following my instinct.

It's much better to let go, get out of my own way, follow my instinct - and align with what truly lights me up and turns me on FIRST, and then do some hard work based on that. Hard work for hard work's sake is for the birds. (Sorry, birds).

But every now and again I forget. I think I need a will, and will only. I think I need to take the hard path, the path through the dark, scary windy wood. Like I need to build more character or something. So I am experimenting to see if I can forget less and less.

I think it's my rock-hard will that speaks says nice (not!) things like, "Everything in your life you've ever gotten you've gotten by working harder, longer and with more pain than anyone else. It was me, your iron will that got you anything you ever wanted. You want to stop using me now? Are you crazy? You'll forget all about these things you love, the creative fire in you will go out, and then it will be too late and you'll be too lazy, broken or stupid to ever recover or bounce back! Don't even think about surrendering to the flow and ebb of creativity, to align yourself to the magic and serendipity that really rules the universe. A time to reap, a time to sow? I time to rest, a time to work? Bah! It's only time to work. Anything else is time wasted! Are you crazy? Don't let go!"

As it goes on and on it gets screetchier and more anxious. Sounds a lot like the fear of forgetting.

So, how's the experiment going?

Amazing, my friends, amazing. I got a call the other day from a guy who heard about me from a guy I worked with and asked me to be a featured guest and panelist on his talk show, The Stuart Davis Show (stay tuned for details); I got an email from a publisher in New York who found my website (found my website? How does anyone actually find my website if it's not search-engine optimized????) and asked, "Ever thought about writing a book?" The proposal goes out next week. I got flown out to New York to speak at a conference on Polyamory and be a part of a summit meeting/think tank to help envision the future for conscious, loving, responsible relationships, including non-monogamous ones. I'll be interviewed along with Susan Crain Bakos on a live Cable TV show in three weeks. A friend of mine said, "Hey, I know a guy who knows a guy.... want to write an audio series product with me?" If the products are a go (with that guy who knows a guy), we'll make a shipload of money.

However, internet marketing is a good thing, even though I don't want to do it. I was having dinner with a girlfriend who LOVES it and can't quite understand that I am missing the gene that loves to spend 80 hours a week on the stuff. I told her, "I can't strategize or envision a killer marketing plan like you can in your sleep, but what I am good at is manifesting one-in-a-million things: things that don't exist, shouldn't exist, are so rare and ridiculous, except for one time in one million."

And today I think I found that one-in-a-million guy who's an expert at all the nasty business I mentioned above (internet marketing, search engine optimization, affiliate programs, list-building - pthhhhooooey). The experiment continues; aligning with what I deeply love and care about continues to bear extraordinary fruit, even though, as my girlfriend says, "I'm not over that yet."

Violence + Domination = Sex?

2008-10-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

In a moment I am going to get erudite on your ass, quoting from the esteemed Riane Eisler's "Sacred Pleasure" which is a dense, remarkable anthropological look at ...

What happened to replace partnership-based relating with what we've got now, mostly: a dominator/dominated model of relating?
What happened to goddess-inclusive religions?
And what happened to UNLINK sex/sensuality with pleasure and RELINK sex/sensuality with violence and domination?

To get the whole story, you too will have to plow through this tome as I've been doing (actually, the geek in my thoroughly enjoys it!) - or just stay tuned as I expound on the best parts!

The Roman culture is one of those displaying the patriarchal practices of dominator/dominated relating, slavery of men and women, and a strong link between sex and violence and war. Although it puts men in one camp and women in another, a bit too much for my taste, this is an amazing piece of information:

"But for all their idealization of the power of the phallus, if we look at the compulsive sexual excesses of the Romans, we see that what they reflect is actually a sexual powerlessness: the powerlessness to feel real sexual and emotional fulfillment.

For what we are today learning about sexually obsessive and compulsive behaviors is that they generally stem from an inability to fully experience bodily sensations and a full range of emotions. In other words, behind the seemingly insatiable appetite for sex and cruelty of many Romans lies a dominator psychosexual armoring that effectively blocks the full experiencing of bodily and emotional sensations.

It is this same psychosexual armoring that in our time continues to drive men to ever more sexual conquests, to the "excitement" of warfare, and to all the other frantic compulsions that fuel both war and the war of the sexes. It is this armoring - and the seething frustrations inherent in a dominator/dominated way of structuring human relations - that in our time still find expression in mass media in celluloid violence and cruelty ... And it is also this psychosexual armoring that is both expressed and fostered by a modern pornographic industry where men's violent domination and humiliation of women is presented to us as exciting and sexually arousing entertainment.

So it is not only women whose sexuality has been suppressed and distorted in dominator societies, to the degree that many women still today are incapable of expressing themselves sexually, much less reaching orgasm ... It is also men's sexuality that has been distorted and stunted, so that for all their obsession with the power of the phallus, many men are still today essentially cut off from the very essence of sexual power: the capacity to freely give and fully experience sexual pleasure."

Why tire my little fingers typing this in for you?

It's what I am most fascinated with: why is the only relationship model available to us a dominator/dominated one? Oppressor/oppressee? War of the sexes? Why do we have to have a war of the sexes at all?

Where's true partnership? Not bland equality, but true partnership where both people are invited to be whole, individual and expressed, to enjoy their strengths and weaknesses, to stand, hand in hand, looking out over the same vistas, allies.

Where's true partnership? Offering the information, skills, practices and tools to have one for yourself, my friend, is what my entire life is about.

You are not broken, lazy or stupid

2008-09-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

This is the most blunt way I can sum up the many elegant presuppositions of the training program I am in right now.

If you aren't getting what you most want in life (a satisfying relationship, getting to the gym, a new job, self-confidence, etc), despite your efforts, desires and hopes toward getting it - AND if you CAN'T (just for a moment, I know it's hard) assume it's because you are defective, broken, lazy or stupid, what exactly might be at work? If you are an elegant, well-working human being, then what? Why don't you have these things you want so much?

That is the compelling, head-scratching question I can now answer, as I enter the final lap of training (1.5 years) at NLP Marin (www.nlpmarin.com), a little saintly school in the bay area of California that I happened upon by chance a year ago.

I once again find myself studying from masters, at the feet of great teaching, reveling in the learning of it all, the elegant, deeply human, swift and remarkable tools to support folks to get what it is they want most.

I find I can no longer tolerate a coach/client relationship that is judgmental, shaming, blaming or based on "breaking through"; or that attempts to cut away or remove unwanted parts, however subtle that might have been in my training until now. Who am I to tell you how it is for you? You know. We'll find out together. Yes, my role and training is as the one that can see what you can't see, since it's so close and in a blind spot like one's own nose on one's face. I am simply the one that can observe, be curious and ask. The proof is in your experience.

How arrogant to think we can surgically remove an unwanted part so that we can finally be the upstanding person who hope we might be. How incredibly complex, but amazing, is the human being. And how great is the job to offer someone to get what they want most, without cutting anything away at all.

It is with great gratitude that I think of my training, exhausted as I am from a weekend full of it. I thought I'd get some more training under my belt to better work with clients. I got that and also got swept up in a wave of a deeply humanizing body of knowledge.

I am a better human being because of it.

Thus Spake LiYana

2008-09-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

OK, that is a terrible allusion, but don't hold it against me.

Come hear me speak on "The Power to ReDefine Monogamy"
at the Eighth Annual Polyamory Pride Weekend

Approximately 3:30pm
Saturday, October 4, 2008

The Great Hill, 106th Street & Central Park West (map below)
Central Park, New York City

I am excited to speak to such an expressed, responsible, enthusiastic group of people; those who consider themselves to wear the moniker of Polyamory are among the most responsible, fun, considerate and articulate people I know of. They are "black belt" communicators, impeccable with their boundaries and loving human beings. Certainly, there are some Polyamorous jerks out there, but I've yet to meet them.

So, if you, too, wear this badge of Polyamory, or if you are mildly, medium-ly or extra spicey-ly interested in the world of responsible non-monogamy, come check out the festivities.

Especially me! ;-)

Here's all about it:

For all Polyamorous, Poly-friendly and Poly-curious people and their families, join Polyamorous NYC for a full weeekend of events and a long list of leaders and experts from all over the country - including yours truly!

* Friday, October 3rd, 7:30 -10:00pm: Super-Massive Cuddle Party!
The largest Cuddle Party of the year.

* Saturday, October 4th, 12:00 - 6:00pm: The Main Event:
Picnic+Rally in Central Park on Saturday with an all-star list of entertainers
and speakers.

* Saturday, October 4th, 9:00 - 1:00am: The Poly Party:
The after-party to meet and mingle.

* Sunday, October 5th, 12:30 - 2:30pm: Read & Sign with experts and authors
and some of the most prominent books on Polyamory.

For more information, check out: http://www.poly-nyc.com/pride.html

MAP: the entrance to Great Hill is up the stairs at 106th & CPW:

Open + Book

2008-07-24T09:22:00.001-07:00

A while ago, I sent around a shout-out for people in "alternative" relationships and had some amazing interviews as a result. The article was published in New York Spirit Magazine's April/May Issue (www.nyspirit.com) titled, "Beyond Monogamy." One of the women I interviewed was Jenny Block (not to be confused with Jenny on the Block, the infamous J-Lo), an articulate, impassioned woman in a self-defined "Open Marriage." Jenny is married to her husband of over 10 years, has a young child, and has a "serious" long-term girlfriend, who does not live with them. Jenny was in the process of writing a book back then, and now the book is out and flying off the shelves. Check her out.

There are as many ways to structure an "open" relationship as there are people in the open relationships. Which, as far as I can tell, are increasing like flowers in the spring. Non-monogamy, in all its possibilities, is a hot, hot topic. And once you are tired of what I've got to say on the subject, I invite you to check out Jenny.

Jenny's relationship set-up includes (my term) emotional monogamy with her husband and her girlfriend. Or perhaps another term (not mine) would be "polyfidelity" - a cool term coined in the 80's by an experimental commune in the bay area called Kerista, where 15 men and women lived together in lifetime sexual fidelity, to all 14 others.

But I digress.

Jenny is not only a champion for re-defining relationships, but also for un-imprisioning women's sexuality. She says a mouthful in a recent blog posting (http://www.open-marriage.blogspot.com/)

"I used to be upset by the people who called me a whore and said they pitied my husband. "Who are you to think you deserve to be happy?" their comments seemed to say. "How dare you want to be fulfilled sexually? You're just a woman," I heard them whispering between the lines. But now I simply pity them. Sexuality has gotten a bad rap. It's great in the movies and in the glossy magazines, but when it comes to real life, it's supposed to be ignored for "higher" pursuits. Well, hell with that. My sexuality is part of me and it is no more nor less of a part than anything else.

For as far as I'm concerned, redefining marriage and validating relationships outside of heterosexual, monogamous marriages is one of the many ways we can work toward returning a woman's sexuality to its rightful owner. And, trust me, she wants it back."

Her book: "Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage"
http://www.amazon.com/Open-Love-Sex-Life-Marriage/dp/158005241X/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205465450&sr=8-1

Her website:
http://jennyonthepage.com

That's the OPEN part. Here's the BOOK part: I'm writing one, so watch out! I am in the proposal stage, which is fantastic and hard, so it won't be "out" until 2009, but I am giving you fair warning, so you can save a 2-inch space on your bookshelf and cheer me on in the epic, grand process I'll be undertaking this fall and winter.

Live and love as big as you can, LiYana

The Weight of Compliments

2008-06-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was having tea with a dear friend at my favorite tea cafe, Samovar. We both were expounding on all we love about the training we are both immersed in at the moment, a year-long in depth study of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) at a stellar school, NLP Marin. (She's actually several steps along from me, in her post-Masters training and I am only about half-way through.)

NLP is many things: it is the study of the structure of how human beings create meaning and thus, how lasting change (where you don't have to remember to be different!) can occur. It is (at least at this school), a deeply respectful study of how human beings are wired, from neurological, bio-physiological and emotional perspectives. It has offered me a way, in working with clients, to get at areas I've never been able to get at, often in minutes or hours, instead of weeks and months - and in the most elegant, respectful and heart-centered way...

My friend said something quite interesting. She told me how, for her, sometimes generalized compliments are a weighty thing to bear.

She is not shy about hearing things about herself, good or bad, despite what that might sound like, at first glance.

For example, if someone says, "You are so nice!" or "You always know exactly the right thing to say!" it actually can land as a big weighted responsibility rather than the sweet compliment it was meant as. (I am nice? I ALWAYS know EXACTLY the right thing to say? What about when I am not, or when I dont'?) All of a sudden, you can feel labeled by the compliment, as though from here to eternity you've got to uphold "NICE" or "ALWAYS KNOWING EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING TO SAY."

What happens when you are not nice? When what you can offer up is not nice, but a howl or a cry; when the truth of the moment is that you are confused or ugly? All of a sudden, your truth or expression of the moment seems to be some kind of going back on a promise, albeit a promise that was put upon you, rather than declared by you.

Please do not misunderstand me; I am all for compliments and acknowledgments! In many ways, my relationships with others and myself are built from the sweet stuffs! But there's a further refinement offered here, by my wise, wise friend: to be specific about what has moved you about someone and to say it specifically about the here and now, and specifically about how it affected you, rather than in general terms about the person in the abstract forever.

How much more of a true gift is something like, "What you just said was so nice, and made me feel OK to vulnerable with you." or "That struck me as the absolute perfect thing you could have said. I just saw that in a completely new light." How much more generous to speak the sweetness or profoundness of the moment, but leave out indications of now-and-forever, always, and from-here-on-out.

Which offers a clean, open space for compliments to be exchanged, whilst fostering the generous stance that we can be changing beings, different from one moment to the next; freedom to be and speak the moment - profound and wise at one moment, mundane and bitchy the next; not weighted down by the heavy monikers of generalized proclamations, but buoyed up by the invitation to over and over, always anew, express what IS.

The Weight of Perfection

2008-05-15T21:35:00.001-07:00

My boyfriend has not been afflicted, as I have, with the disease of perfectionism. He is indeed an amazing human being, with superman-sized powers in many of life's important areas; he believes in excellence, but not in perfection. I've been steeping in his wisdom as I peel apart excellence from perfectionism, as they've been melded together in my mind for most of my life.

The dance performance (www.beforeplaydance.com) is only a week away, and boy, we sure could use another week, which is always the case with performances. Regardless, I wake up each morning with a surge of adrenaline, out of a dream that would make both Jung and Freud proud - a dream that carries all the turmoil, doubts and vulnerabilities of each and every way I relate to dance. I am in a soup-pot, boiling off dance karma, as my boyfriend likes to say.

I think about next week, and am saddened and pained by the knowledge that it will not be perfect. I have invited openly and enthusiastically my community to this personal creation, and it is difficult to know I will not have perfection - or the pretense of perfection, or the hope of perfection - to hide behind.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be inoculated against this disease; I've been chasing after it as long as I can remember and haven't had a moment's peace or ease while doing so. I'll gladly trade up perfectionism for excellence, trade in perfectionism for rejoicing in what IS, peel off perfectionism for the simple nakedness of who I am.

Apparently the best way I could figure to wriggle my way out from underneath the oppressive weight of perfection is by burning, burning, burning.

This from a card, from my mother, wishing my luck with my dancer performance, which sets right again my relationship with dance:

Don't you
hear it?
she asked
& I shook
my head no
& then
she started to dance
& suddenly there was
music everywhere
& it went on for a very long time

& when I finally found words
all I could say was
thank you.

Leave Some Room at the Table For Failure

2008-05-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about giving failure a bit of a break.

As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I'm eyeball-deep in a creative project that has me, at each turn, face all the ways I am inexperienced, inadequate, lacking or failing. After some months of making myself wrong for not being experienced, adequate, fine and winning, I started giving some thought to why failure is such a scary concept and such a scary experience.

A friend said to me:

"Without the possibility of loss, there is no game. I am a poker player and I sure would like to win all the time. When I play no limit poker, there is always a time, often multiple times, when I have to go "all in". Sure I could lose it all. And HAVE. But, damn, it's such an incredible game. And I only have like 80-100 years to enjoy myself. I opt for a rich, full life. The only question is whether you will go for the whole pot or be deterred by your fears of loss. It's ok to be afraid. It's scary to allow yourself to be so fully vulnerable. You are doing it right and at the right speed. Trust your instincts."

And then, in a moment of clarity and brilliance, I said to another friend:

"I'd like to, in this body, in this lifetime, dance with all of it. Not worry whether am doing it right, growing, healing, or making art, or being happy; to let the sad, lonely and crimped up parts have a place at the table just like the glorious parts; to have them be welcomed and contribute to my sense of peace and rightness with my self
and my mind, not diminish it."

I'll leave it at that, and I'll leave some room at my table...

Running Uphill Backwards

2008-05-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't written a blog entry in months! If there was an award for slackingest blogger, 'twould be mine. Somehow I just haven't felt like documenting my journey at all, and have just now made some sense of why.

I've been moonlighting with my former carreer as a modern dancer and have been working since February on creating a dance performance with four other dancers, custom-created music, set pieces on which we dance, costumes, lights, a small black-box theatre and a reception to follow. I thought it would be a fun lark, and a fun show in which I'd get to have a fun time dancing. What I created was not only the above, but another self-designed obstacle course, everywhere I turn is another former demon to face, everywhere another ghost of my dance past. I have to marvel at the intelligence, elegance and thoroughness of my design - it's been a non-stop test at every twist and turn, speckled with some quite wonderful and enjoyable moments, too.

I have a lot more to say about this, which I will in my next entry, but to explain this blog's title: a friend of mine emailed me to tell me about a dance show she created that will go up a few weeks after mine - and her title is thus: Running Uphill Backwards. Nothing could describe these last few months, except if I added in, Running Uphill Backwards In High Heels, With a backpack, Two Suitcases, Three Lunchpails and a Cellphone.

Somehow I have more of a sense of humour about it since I've named and identified the shape and scope of my hard time. It tends to work: when I know, ah! this is what's going on, this is why, this is how big and how long - then somehow I am able to relax into the painful, strange, uncomfortable and magical ride of it all.

Prioritize YourSELF

2008-02-01T16:45:00.000-08:00

In the Winter 2008 Newsletter I just sent out, i included an article titled, "Sweep out the Chamber of Your Heart," and then got this notice from my friend and colleague, Monica.

If you are still waiting to sweep out the chamber of your BODY for this amazing 2008, do consider this life and body cleanse!

Funny thing for a blog, maybe, but this is a GREAT offer. Monica is a Kellogg MBA, triathlete, a bit of an empathic savant and a whiz at vibrant health and life balance.

Prioritize YourSELF: The Ultimate Life and Body Cleanse

Special 1/2 Price for this list!

For more information go to http://www.idealbalanceevents.com/programs.htm
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* Easy weeknight meals that are healthy and satisfying, no matter how much time you have
* An exercise plan that works for you and the support and accountability to make sure you stay with it
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* Your life and work's passions - what really makes your soul sing and how to keep it in your life
* Time management techniques that work wonders (and are not boring)

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Helping busy professionals find simple ways to be healthy.

646-918-6410 - call for an initial consultation today.

Go to www.idealbalanceinc.com to sign up for nutrition and balance tips or a get acquainted session.

When Things Begin

2008-01-19T19:06:00.000-08:00

I made the transition from 2007 to 2008 in Las Vegas, Nevada with dear friends. Thank goodness for the dear friends part, since my first visit to Las Vegas did NOT impress. I suppose it had much to do with awesome levels of jet lag, but I am still stuck with the thought that Las Vegas is not an armpit city, it's more like a crotch.

Before I digress more into the un-virtues of this strange fabricated city of vices, I'd like to share my thoughts about our New Year in general.

It's always struck me as strange that we celebrate the passing of one year and the beginning of a new one in the dead of winter. "We" meaning, of course, those who celebrate on December 31 - January 1st, as opposed to September-ish for the Jews, April-ish for the Thai Buddhists and February-ish for the Chinese.

To me our New Year feels like a still and dark and dead time, with not much newness stirring atall, but this year I got it. Things appear to begin in a time like Spring, when fruiting and flowering and blossoming are obvious and generous indications of something amazing afoot! But this is not when things begin. Things begin in the dark and quiet of a womb, of a deep patch of soil. Things begin with the dormant seed's first struggle to become un-dormant, to turn potential energy into actualized energy. Things begin in winter, literally and metaphorically; and they begin at the time when we have no proof, only uncertainty and query.

New things start in the cold and dark of deep sleep, with a tiny, imperceptible spark of fire and flash.

I love this. And I love listening to the giant quiet of winter, listening for the tremors of beginnings I can't quite see, can barely detect, but now - after many seasons of doubt - trust.

Spontaneous Quantum and Newtonian Ritual

2007-12-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

So, I've been going through it lately. Usually I can simultaneously go through something while also having some outside perspective on myself so as to direct myself to get support, clarity or a direction in which to move. Inotherwords, to go through something but also shift it. Not so as of late - overwhelming stuff, complicated, and loud, loud voices in my head, none too flattering.

At least now I have some perspective on what's going on with me: I have some splendid plans and goals and desires for the near and far future, and they are great and grand and will require a me that is larger, greater and grander than the me I am at this moment. The process of growing, expanding, shifting is uncomfortable, painful even, strange and disconcerting.

So, you want to hear one thing that helped?

I had a coaching session with my dear friend, who is a high-end corporate conflict-resolution coach, paid over $10,000 a day for his expertise, ability and heart. (No, he didn't charge me $10,000!)

In knowing him, I have observed that there is a way he speaks and relates to people that powerfully conveys his value or the value of whatever he is talking about. I originally set up our session to get the inside scoop on how he was so good at this: knowing his own value, or the value of whatever he is behind, and conveying that powerfully and masterfully. And also, to put it bluntly, because I suck at these things he's so good at.

I got that, and I got more.

There are two things I go from my friend, the wondercoach. First is a distinction from NLP (Neuro-Lingusistic Programming) which says that for a shift to take hold, it has to be both "Quantum" and "Newtonian." Quantum, meaning on a cellular level, a level of our make-up, our past, our energies; Newtonian meaning on the level of causality, of concrete steps, how-to's or everyday tools, methods and means.

Part-way through the session I was experiencing a strange thing: extreme emotion and so much varied sensation in my body that was almost too much to manage, all not directly related to what we were talking about. I felt like somethings had fallen away, some parts of me had been rearranged and replaced with clearer, more powerful parts. I was experiencing quantum shift.

A while back, I asked another friend of mine, a holistic nutrition counselor, environmental activist and witch, to help me with a ritual. I wanted to dance again, after 3 years of not dancing professionally, but I wanted to go forward without any baggage I've accumulated over the years from my relationship with dance. It was profound, silly and strange at times; it was relevant and seemed pointless at times. But at the end, I was altered, changed. The baggage I wished to let go is gone. Amazingly gone.

The process and effect of my coaching session are so similar to my witchy ritual. There is great power in speaking what we most want to walk into, what needs to be left behind in order to do so. And the result is an irrevocable shift, both Newtonian and Quantum.

The second thing I got from wondercoach came clear as he explained his process around value: illicit what the person you are relating to WANTS MOST, what has MOST VALUE TO THEM; then continue to listen to them, ask questions of them and speak to them (this is the important part) AS THOUGH THEY WILL HAVE WHAT THEY WANT MOST. If your listening and speaking toward the person is in the light of them already being having what they want most, the reality of it exists. They easily walk into it, embody it, create it, see it not only as a possibility, but as an inevitable reality. And the things that come up are then the things that can be looked at and examined to have fall away, as impediments to having what it is you want.

And then I realized this was how he had been relating to me. He was careful to illicit what I wanted most, and spoke and related to me from a place of believing with the utmost clarity that I would have that.

And it was this that created this powerful shift in me.

The Darkest Day of the Year

2007-12-14T18:27:00.000-08:00

One thing has always been comforting to me, during the winter months that get increasingly colder and shorter and darker, making me want to crawl inside myself, or bed. On December 21st, the days start getting longer, 2 minutes per day. December 21st itself is the shortest, darkest day of the year; but on this day there is the seed or the beginning of moving toward light and warmth again.

Things were going along swimmingly for me, until a few weeks ago. In fact, it felt very much like I was swimming along, and all of a sudden realized I was surrounded by a thick bunch of jelly-fish. Miles long, miles deep. Everywhere, jelly-fish. And so I froze, knowing that if I moved right, that one would sting me silly; if I moved left, that one would reveal 18 more behind it; if I moved backward, that one would knock me out cold.

The momentum of my life, recent move and all my projects has slowed, and the water is clearing, like silt to the bottom of the pond, revealing some strong, sly demons I was sure had long gone.

I am grateful I have an extraordinary partner to listen, dig deeper, and not run as I cover all aspects of the feminine expression in the span of 20 minutes. He has been extraordinary, and I appreciate the work we've both done to have this kind of support now.

I don't know what to say. From where I sit, it's either breakthrough or breakdown, or both. I know I put all these jelly fish in my own way, I know I created them. But they seem real. And terrifying.

I'll keep you posted.

These are potent words - that somehow help me right now - from Jed McKenna's second book, "Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment:"

(Although I take the tactic of loving my demons to death, rather than slaying them...)

"To move forward, you must figure out exactly what is obstructing you. Whatever it is, it isn't really there; it has no reality, no substance. It's your own creation, a phantom lurking in the shadows of your mind, a shadow demon. Your obstructions are your demons, and your demons are shadow dwellers. They live and thrive in the half-light of ignorance, so the way to slay a demon is by illuminating it with the full force and power of your focused attention; by looking at it, hard. Banish shadow with light and see for yourself that no obstruction exists, nor ever did. We create our demons and we feed them. To awaken we must slay them. That's really the whole process: Slay one demon, take one step.

Repeat."

Even the darkest day of the year holds within it the seeds of the light and sweet days of summer....

Uncomfortable and Scared

2007-11-29T23:23:00.001-08:00

For the last few months and weeks, I've been feeling uncomfortable and scared, almost constantly.

In addition to moving to a new city, maintaining and expanding my client base and website, teaching and writing, I am working on the creation of a dance piece, full-length, with 4-5 other dancers, a set, custom-composed music and video projection to be performed mid-2008.

This is so far on the ambitious side of things, I might even call myself crazy.

Yesterday, when I realized for how long my discomfort and fright had been going on, I began to think, "LiYana, this is madness! Why do I always do this to myself? Why do I always take on huge, immense, nearly impossible tasks that put me way, way outside my comfort zone? This is not fun! When do I get to feel like things are normal?"

And then the words of a zen meditation teacher of mine come to mind - words that always bring me such relief and mirth at the same time: "The body is not made to be eternal comfortable. Sometimes comfortable, sometimes uncomfortable. Such a worry and a stress always to be searching for comfortable."

And then I also realize that I will never stop setting myself up to create things way outside my comfort zone. And so, it would be good to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. If I choose a life - as I have - where I want to constantly learn, grow, expand, shift and create, I'm going to be uncomfortable and scared a majority of the time.

So, yes, I am still uncomfortable, and still scared... But somehow noticing that I did it on purpose re-frames it not as an indication of something wrong, but actually of something just quite right.

Dinner on Tuesday

2007-11-22T19:47:00.000-08:00

I was trained in a big way to present as if and always if I had my shit together, that I was on top of things; if I'd gone through a hard patch, it was way in the past, and certainly wasn't now. I was just telling a friend tonight how I've relearned over the past couple of years how important it is to come from a human place and share just as much what's not working, the ways I mess up, fall down or forget. I ran into one of these such humbling moments two evenings ago.

I was having dinner with a friend and he was talking about a new relationship he is in and some of the issues with it -- mostly to talk about it, but partly to get my thoughts on it all. He said it was hard to hear when she, a single mom of 3, expressed to him at times she gets so overwhelmed, her kids feel to her like an obligation and she isn't even sure if she loves them. It was something he just couldn't understand. I listened and asked a bunch of questions and then started talking a bit about what I thought would make a difference. I started to explain that understanding something doesn't always have to mean agreeing with it. I explained that she could be feeling badly herself and concerned about being judged, but that if she felt she was being perceived as OK and good anyways, it would open up some space and have her feel less defensive and closed about it all. And then I went on to explaining what "finding something right" means - when a little warning light went off in me.

Here I was explaining about finding some thing or someone right, and I had been finding him wrong all night.

I took a breath, paused for a second, and took a moment to really look at him and take him in. I eased up so the voices of criticism could fade and there was more space to see and hear him. I took note of all that I found right and good about him, right here in the now. And then I continued talking.

I felt better immediately and started having a much better time. And from that point, the quality of our conversation shifted, opened up and lightened up. As we were paying the bill, he said, "You know, I've been telling you all the problems I have with her, but there are so many things that are great." And went on to list them.

Finding someone right can be a nice concept, but what does it mean, or how do we actually DO it? On my walk up the hill this Thanksgiving day, I tried to break it down into a few steps to make it a bit easier to practice:

1. Notice you are finding the person or thing "wrong."
2. Interrupt or press pause on the thoughts about the "wrongness."
3. Let them fade into the background, so there is more space, more quiet.
4. Notice what is "right" or "good" already about this person.

Note: Don't pretend that the things you found "wrong" are suddenly "right." That's just bullshitting yourself. Authentically and genuinely, notice what is "good" and "right" about this person or thing, right here, right now.

Another note: Something quite profound can happen in this space, which is a space with an ABSENCE of judgment: you can see even the thing/quality/person you found "wrong" a moment ago, now simply just to be SO. When you see the "wrongness" without the judgment of "wrong" it can simply just BE AS IT IS. And suddenly isn't so wrong after all. And then there is space for all that is right to emerge.

That's it. This is the beautiful simplicity of finding something or someone right. And from this starting point, hearts open, connections are made, humanity is shared, conversations blossom, and both people have a better time.

Try it and let me know how it goes.

What Do You Have Left?

2007-11-14T22:07:00.000-08:00

An extraordinary lesson for all of us, from a friend and mentor across the seas:

On Nov. 18, 1995, Itzhak Perlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a concert at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in New York City. If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches. To see him walk across the stage one step at a time, painfully and slowly, is an awesome sight.

He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent while he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap - it went off like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant. There was no mistaking what he had to do. We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches and limp his way off stage - to either find another violin or else find another string for this one. But he didn't. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes and then signaled the conductor to begin again.

The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played with such passion and such power and such purity as they had never heard before.

Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible t o play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night Itzhak Perlman refused to know that.

You could see him modulating, changing, re-composing the piece in his head. At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before. When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. And then people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from every corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet, screaming and cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said - not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone -

"You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."

What a powerful line that is. It has stayed in my mind ever since I heard it. And who knows? Perhaps that is the definition of life - not just for artists but for all of us. Here is a man who has prepared all his life to make music on a violin of four strings, who, all of a sudden, in the middle of a concert, finds himself with only three strings; so he makes music with three strings, and the music he made that night with just three strings was more beautiful, more sacred, more memorable, than any that he had ever made before, when he had four strings.

So, perhaps our task in this shaky, fast-changing, bewildering world in which we live is to make music, at first with all that we have, and then, when that is no longer possible, to make music with what we have left.

Praise and Parents

2007-11-13T10:58:00.000-08:00

This month of giving thanks (at least in the USA), a lot is brewing - the magic of gratitude and praise. It is impossible to be miserable, or focused on some aspect of ourself that is miserable, when we are in gratitude, or in praise.

I realized my parents were my first example of extraordinary relationship, in two ways:

They taught me to trust that I would have deep, clear knowing of love. When I asked how they knew they wanted to be together (after a previous divorce each), they both said, "I just knew."

They showed me you can arrange a relationship any way you wish, so as to have it be an expression of the people in it. After the kids moved out, they moved into separate places, one mile down the road from each other. They are still very much
together, but have different living and working spaces. They also share meals and go over for movies and sleep-overs at the other's house.

After a recent tele-class I taught that my mom and dad were on, my mom wrote me this:

"Thank YOU for making your knowledge and skill available to us. Dad is very excited about what he learned. And already we have put some things into practice and it really works; less frustration and more understanding of one another and some great breakthroughs. We both have more openness to communicating. So thank you again."

Praise from the very people who were my first example of extraordinary relationship.

So to extend some of that praise back to our parents, check out this excerpt from David Deida's recent book, "Instant Enlightenment: Fast, Deep, and Sexy":

"Imagine praising the next person you see. Praise him or her as fully as possible, so you are embarrassed you are so praiseful. What praise would you give? Picture someone you know - anyone - and feel what is the most magnanimous praise you can offer them.

Remember your mother and father as you offer this praise. Imagine doing so now. How do you feel? You have probably chosen a career and sought an intimate partner in reaction to the praise you never got from your parents. Take time to remember what you didn't get from your mother and father, and look at what you seek through your career and intimate relationship.

What do you wish your parents had told you more? Really feel into your childhood. Feel, as a child, what your parents said or didn't say to you. What do you wish your parents had given you more of? What do you wish your parents had said to you?

To the next person you see, silently give the praise you didn't get enough of from your parents but wish you had. Give this praise silently to everyone you see for the next three days. In your imagination, give this praise silently to your parents, right now. How does it feel to offer the praise you never got, but wished you had?

Holding back praise limits all the love you are willing to give - through speech, sex, and touch. It also restrains the love you could offer through your life's work.

Give the praise that you wish your parents had given you more of. Give it silently to everyone, and give it out loud to your lover, whether you feel they deserve it or not. Find out what happens when you do. Discover the full offering you were born to give, as a gift, to everyone."

Two Ways to Center

2007-10-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

There are times where I am so focused on how much I thoroughly suck, or how much I loathe myself top to bottom, nothing else seems clear or possible.

One of these times was a few weeks ago, and there at the bottom of this deep pit of pity, the teacher I was working with said something very simple,

"But beneath all that, you think you are pretty great."

And she was right! Deeper and more constant than the very real-seeming complex mess of confusion, self-doubt and self-loathing is the clear bell-like tone of joyful, undeniable, simple self-appreciation.

But was this universal? This past week, I tried it out on my clients: in the midst of working out some very real-seeming, complex mess of confusion, self-doubt and self-loathing I asked, "Is there also the possibility that under all that you actually think you are pretty great?"

And the same pause that I experienced, and the same simple, clear bell-like tone of joyful, undeniable self-appreciation bubbled up.

One clear, gentle but fierce, way back to Center.

And this morning, getting up at 7am to pee, the pink and plump morning air over the view from my bathroom, bathing the valley, hills and houses, reminding me the world is a gift, always waiting to give itself to us.

What's the second way back to Center? Sweet, clear, joyful nature, guiding us back to our Nature.

Attitude

2007-10-11T12:55:00.000-07:00

This came to me via email, but since I vow not to send these types of things along and clutter up your email boxes more than they already are, I am posting it here on my blog:

Attitude

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in
the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"

So she did

and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?"

So she did

and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."

So she did

and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting
some kind of battle.

Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly.......

Leave the rest to God(ess)

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain.

The Onion strikes again

2007-10-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling very uninspired to write a scintillating, enertaining, meaningful blog entry this week, so I am instead including a fantastically irreverent article from the most reliable news source around, The Onion!

I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord

By Bonnie Nordstrum, Polytheist

With Jesus as my personal Savior, I felt like I had it all. But then we hit a rough patch, and before long, I was beginning to question both my faith in Him and His commitment to me. At one point, it seemed the relationship was doomed. But I did a lot of soul searching, and together we found a solution that fit both of our needs by adopting an alternative theological lifestyle.

Now that I'm in an open relationship with the Lord, I feel a greater spiritual satisfaction than I've ever known.

It all started when I was 16 and first asked Jesus to enter my heart. It was incredible. He filled me up with His love. I'd never been redeemed before, but with Jesus it felt so right, as if the sins of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. For a while there, we were communing via the sacraments several times a week! And every night we spent what seemed like hours in long, mutually satisfying sessions of prayer. I worshipped Him.

Soon the honeymoon period ended, however. Whenever I spoke to Him, He seemed distracted and distant—sometimes I wondered if He was listening at all. Daily devotionals felt like we were just going through the motions of repetitive, meaningless dogma. A few months later, I made a potentially disastrous discovery: I found out I wasn't the only one He was sanctifying.

One day, I overheard my coworker Sally talking on the phone about how much God had helped her through her recent divorce. She said she "saw the light" after just one night with Him. At first I kept thinking, "Is she talking about the same Savior?" The next Sunday, I followed her to an unfamiliar church on the edge of town and just sat in my car for a while in disbelief. I finally walked up to the front door, but before I could open it, I heard the unmistakable sounds of ecstatic praise coming from inside. There was no denying it. I'd caught Sally red-handed, making a joyful noise unto my own special Lord.

I was devastated. How could He do this to me? Here I had let Him into my soul in the most intimate way possible, and He had betrayed our personal bond by accepting the thanks and adulation of Sally, and God knows how many others as well. I was humiliated I ever let Him wash my soul in His blood in the first place.

But I began to realize that He wasn't the only one who needed more. Hadn't I been growing tired of reciting the same old liturgy week after week? So I steeled myself with a stiff drink of communion wine, opened up my Bible, and confronted Him. In His divinely inspired scriptures, I learned that I hadn't driven Him to seek out others. He just needed to redeem as many sinners as He could to fulfill His destiny as Messiah. It was part of who He was.

If He could forgive me all of my trespasses, shouldn't I do the same for Him? He saved my soul, and now it was up to me to save the relationship. I decided then and there to start experimenting outside the boundaries of traditional monotheistic worship.

To be honest, I'd been flirting with polytheism all along by accepting the doctrine of the Trinity and simultaneously worshipping the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. If I could see all three of them as viable deities, why not others? I took it slow at first. I'd always been a strict Protestant, but I started practicing some Catholicism on the side. Before long, I was meditating on the Buddha. I felt serenity coursing through my body like never before!

The Lord my God is a jealous God, and He didn't like the idea at first. He made it very clear that I should take no God before Him—but he never mentioned anything about taking one after Him! And now that I've opened myself up to exciting new spiritual experiences, our bond is stronger than ever.

I've gone to Native American drum circles, New Age channeling workshops, and Shinto temples. I hung a mezuzah over my door, and last summer I made a pilgrimage to Mecca. I even spent a weekend in a no-holds-barred, worship free-for-all with two dozen Hindu gods!

See, we have an understanding: He can save any sinner He wants, and I can worship any deity I want. But we are still together. Some may think it's strange, but I'm no longer worried about other people's unenlightened moralizing. My spiritual life is better then ever! I love God—heck, I love all of them—and I am one deeply, deeply fulfilled woman.

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/im_in_an_open_relationship_with

Acknowledgment Squared

2007-09-19T18:51:00.000-07:00

I was hit over the head (no, not literally!) last week by the power of Acknowledgment.

First, a dear friend emailed this to me:

"speak to me a bit on the subject of Acknowledgment. i'm curious about this tonight. it's power. how delicious it makes things to receive it and give it. you are really great at acknowledging and it feels so f**king good. it feels so good to know when a gift, an expression of tenderness is received. it's not even a matter of whether you liked it or not, or approved, but rather, that you acknowledged it and gave a little shout out. that it touched you in some way. i love that! it makes relating with you so much fun and i feel even more open to sharing my heart and my creativity with you."

Second, I was moderating a panel discussion on my Ask-A-Woman Tele-Class, and was dismayed at how few participants were asking questions of the panel of expert women. Then Regena (aka Mama Gena) piped up and said something like, "If you are just listening, or thinking perhaps of asking a question - wherever you are with it - it is just perfect. It takes a lot of courage just to be on this call, and the fact that you are here at all is a testament to the fact that you want more love, delight, pleasure and connection in your life. It's great to have you on the call."

And sure enough, right then, participants started asking questions and the Tele-Class flowed like honey. They felt appreciated, acknowledged and safe to open up and share some of what was going on for them. Never mind that I didn't say it first (Regena is the Queen of Pleasure and a great teacher of mine, after all!) - hats off once again to the simple power of Acknowledgment.

Prayer for the Little Things

2007-09-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

I was just at the gym, multi-tasking on the elliptical machine, listening to my ipod and reading through 100 health and life balance tips from celebrities.

The tip that caught my eye was not to multi-task.

I shut off my ipod and read some more.

Try doing one thing at a time, the tip said, paying close attention to the task at hand, really experiencing and feeling it.

I got off the elliptical machine and came home to write this, reminded of St. Therea's Prayer that I got from a friend of mine a day or so ago.

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. (She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists and is represented by roses, in case you wanted to know that, too.)

St. Theresa's Prayer:

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love
that has been given to you.
May you be content.
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of you.

As unlikely as it is (guilty as I am from time to time of multi-tasking), if I were sainted, I wonder of what I would be the saint of? The Saint of Reverently Irreverent Blogging?

Still Burning

2007-09-07T13:50:00.000-07:00

I finally have all the Playa dust out of my nostrils and ears,
my clothes are in piles to be washed, I've had a couple of hot
showers and am back in "real" life.

Which brings to question what "real life" means.

To explain further, I just went for the first time to the
purposefully-created alternate reality of Burning Man in the
middle of the moon-scape desert near Reno, Nevada. This year,
around 40,000 people gathered for around 7 days to unite under
the enigmatic umbrella that is Burning Man - to revel in
whatever is their particularly favored cocktail of art, music,
camping, dancing, sex, drugs, workshops, events, spontaneous
encounters, spiritual openings and playing in what IS.

First on my plate was to settle my body into the extreme
environment of dry-as-a-bone air, sudden dust-storms, 100+
degree day heat, baby-wipe showers and the rigor of drinking
over a gallon of water a day to stay hydrated.

Next was to ask myself why I had come. What did I want to
"get out" of the experience? What did it want to get out of me?
What did I want to burn along with the famous burning of the
"Man" on Saturday night?

For me, Burning Man was 7 days and 7 nights of living only in
the NOW. No use to make plans on the Playa, as it is likely
I'll not run into this person purposely again. Equally likely
I'll not feel energetic enough to make it to that great-sounding
workshop. Nor will I be able to find again the delicious
"misting dome" I found one sweltering bike-wander.

Find the moment perfect, or be frustrated and confused. This
was my mantra throughout.

I was slayed by the immense artwork brought to the Playa. My
favorite was a 150 foot wooden tower I could climb to get a
bird's eye view of the whole camp. Surrounding the tower were
several 30-foot figures, welded from found-metal into gorgeous
poses of reverence . At night, they flamed fire, some from the
hands, some from the eyes, some from the heart. On Sunday night,
the builders of this magnificent installation, along with the
help of two tanks of jet fuel, burned it entirely.

On my last day, I went to the Temple of Forgiveness, an
intricately carved wooden temple, every surface written on and
decorated by Playa revelers. I walked around, thinking about
our greatest desire as humans - to have our lives and actions
MEAN something, even amid the stark knowledge that ultimately
there is no intrinsic meaning aside from that that we assign.

We create things of immense intricacy and beauty, even though
they die away, change or burn. We create love affairs,
companies, babies, theatre, art - and none of it lasts. In no
place more evident and purposeful than at Burning Man are the
magnificent efforts of humans on display, and then purposely
torn down, packed away, or burned.

Mid-temple, I was thinking what - or who - I wanted to forgive,
when an arm reached out and pulled me into a hug. A new, sweet
friend I'd met a couple days before held me in a spontaneous
embrace and we cried together in the fine air of the Temple.
We cried although we weren't sad, released although I am not
sure exactly what, and met each other in a tender, perfect
place. I don't have any more words or reasons to explain it,
but for me at that moment, Burning Man was complete and perfect.
I had gotten what I came for.

That night, I watched the Man burn, startled by the huge sudden
explosion that began the fire, and cowered under the mushroom
cloud it created. Burning Man shouts and pleads to me with its
ferocious landscape and lush scope of humanity to appreciate
what is before me, to create for no reason but creation itself,
and then to enjoy the heat of it all burning, burning and still
burning.

In Candescence

2007-08-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to an event titled, Candescence, a demonstration of a woman in a state of orgasm for one hour. I left the demonstration with the same feeling in my body and mind as at the end of an entire 10 days spent in silent meditation, for 10 hours each day.

Honestly, it is a bit edgy to write about this. I am uber aware that most people didn't spend their Saturday night in quite the same way as I did. But the experience of the energy of Sexuality and Spirituality being one was profound enough for me to tell you all about my unusual weekend event attendance.

The demonstration was the culmination of 4 years of work and research by this woman and her partner, into extended, expanded orgasm, under the guidance of Nicole Daedone of OneTaste in San Francisco. On one level, what we 75 people watched and experienced was a brave and naked woman lying on a lushly-draped dias, being stroked manually by her gloved partner. For one hour. But on another level, we - the un-stroked - rode her energetic waves along with her, felt the touches ripple through the room and our own bodies. Our bodies ignited, we tuned out when she did, we went up and down along with her, and our matter was gently caressed and expanded like this woman on the opposite side of the room.

At the end of the evening I felt pre-verbal, hard-pressed to speak or put words to what I was experiencing. I felt open, raw, ignited, vulnerable, and deeply moved. There was more to this than the sum of its components. It felt like we'd all been exposed to a sacred, ritualized energy.

There is apparently a region in the brain whose sole function is to suppress sexual turn-on. During sex and orgasm, it stops suppressing and we experience increased sensation and turn-on.

Is sensation and orgasm proprietary and localized to a body, or is it an owner-less energy, like the wind, that we only know when it touches and ripples over us?

Is our natural state orgasm? Is sexual turn-on happening all the time, we are just in various states of suppression?

Don't get me wrong. There are times when NOT feeling immense levels of sensation and openness is OK, like driving a car or operating heavy machinery - or trying to articulate an incredibly profound experience of the divine creative energy that made us all, so present in the room this last Saturday evening.

Tripping Over Joy

2007-08-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

Ever since realigning my priorities away from being productive for productive's sake and moving toward enjoying my life, amazing (but predictable) things have been happening all over my life. The predictable part is namely me enjoying myself, my life, and others, exceedingly.

How is it that I made a paradigm shift from feeling batted about by life to enjoying it? It is certainly not that I finally got all my ducks in a row. My ducks are as unruly as most, if not more.

I finally got what it means to appreciate what is here, right now; how to appreciate what IS so, not what I WISH to be so. Starting from there allows me to open up, lighten up, and be flooded with gratitude. Where I put my attention, grows. Put my attention on the curve balls I am being thrown and how much that sucks, and lo! and behold, my life sucks. But put my attention on what is already good, rich and delicious, and my life becomes simply amazing...

Here is a fun quote by the 13th Century mystic Sufi poet, Hafiz, who has some good things to say on the subject of joy.

~ Tripping over Joy ~

What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
And that of a saint?
The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God

And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move

that the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, "I Surrender!"

Whereas, my dear,
I'm afraid you still think

You have a thousand serious moves.

I just had a bjorange!

2007-08-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

This summer, in my research, writing and personal experimentation, i've been digging into the qualities of enlightenment, and how those qualities can, do and must co-exist alongside with sensuality, sexuality and relationship.

What's most stuck out is this concept: to love, appreciate, acknowledge and celebrate WHAT IS, not what we wish to be so. This has us stop running, hiding and pushing away the present moment, but instead has us see it square on. What happens after getting out of our fantasy life and being able to see reality, is that we are then able to see even more that is good. We can stop using our "bad" eyes and begin to start seeing with "good" eyes. I notice I only get into trouble when I get swept away with thoughts that have to do with what if, if only...

It was noted by a man named Victor Baranco, founder of an intentional living collective, MoreHouse (www.LafayetteMorehouse.com) that there wasn't really an event in our culture to acknowledge a relationship besides a marriage. Nor was there a word that rhymes with "orange." Thus was born the ceremony, a Borange. My boyfriend added the ecclectic "j" and hence personalized our into a "Bjorange." As a surprise to me, he had a dear friend of ours officiate our Bjorange, during his birthday two days ago.

What happens in a Bjorange? It is a celebration of the relationship, acknowledging what is good about it, right now, today. It is not a promise of the future nor a looking back at the past. He told me everything he loves and appreciates about me and our relationship, and I did as well. Our guests each told us what we - as individuals and as a relationship - meant to them. I loved doing this in the company of our favorite people on the planet. It was incomparable to know how much our relationship is inspiring to our dear friends. I felt a deep honoring of what we have NOW, for this man I get to walk with, create with, love with NOW. And NOW is, as we stride purposely into our juicy and amazing future, is really all we have.

As my teacher, Dolano (www.dolano.com) in India likes to say, "What's after NOW? Another NOW, isn't it?"

Join the Revolution: Fall in Love

2007-07-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

"Join the revolution: fall in love" - this is a quote on the wall of my friends' house where I was baby-sitting all last week. I love that 10-month old, so smiley and intent on walking, I even loved changing his diapers.

But I don't want to talk about baby sunshine. He's pure love already.

We live in a culture that bonds around what is going badly, what is wrong. We are steeped in a culture of fear. It is thought highly inappropriate to talk about what is going well. Can you imagine being at a cocktail party and talking about how great your hair looks today, how great you look in that suit, or how much you've been enjoying your life?

It is a revolutionary act to approve of yourself or others.
It is a revolutionary act to find the world and your life right rather than wrong.
It is a revolutionary act to fall in love with yourself, just as you are, in the midst of your life as it is, even before you become perfect (which you surely will one of these days...).

Imagine if the thing you were striving for was yours already. Imagine coming home to yourself, whole, happy, right now.

Join the revolution - fall in love with yourself right now, work-in-progress or not.
Fall in love with your life. Fall to your knees with gratitude with the privilege of being able to love, for no reason at all, for every reason there is...

It is OK to live and love even with an imperfect life and imperfect world. It's the only option we've got...

"You can open as love and live as love, even though
you are not fully received by those you love.

You can open as infinity and offer your deepest truth,
even though your gifts may be refused by those you want to serve.

You can live as openness even though your daily life
may seem tawdry in light of your heart's deepest shine."

- From "Blue Truth," by author and teacher David Deida

The 11th Day

2007-07-15T14:17:00.001-07:00

I haven’t come to this 10 day silent meditation retreat to become enlightened, I’ve come because even though I’ve got a sweet and loving inner dialogue, I find there’s often a lot of clutter and noise in my mind, and I began to wonder if my mind could do with the equivalent of push-ups. I mean, I take really good care of my body, and my mind’s been feeling a little flabby these days.

I am sure you can relate: in an unchecked mind, the voices can be self-defeating, and deafening.

Even if I am not after enlightenment, per se, a little Nirvana is always nice. Nirvana is a Sanskrit word that literally means "to cease blowing,” as when a candle flame ceases to flicker. I like this version: a still, sweet center, which remains intact, no matter how the storms rage around you. It’s not about getting the winds to be silent, but to find the space in you that never moves.

So, as I sit in meditation these 10 hours a day, I get really good at observing what is happening now, not what I wish was happening now. It’s kind of like taming a wild animal. You’d expect a wild animal to snort and protest and charge up against the containing walls. But if you were an animal tamer worth your salt, over and over again, you’d extend your hand with the kindness and effort of training.

I don't develop hard-willed discipline, I develope loving kindness toward myself, on a bodily-integrated level. I get to experience, directly, what it is like to come back to my center, with loving kindness, amid the raging storms of my mind, amid the sweet and intelligent wanderings of my mind, amid the very real pains and panics of my body. When the storms rage, I can be sweet peace for myself. I have the direct experience of not abandoning myself when the going gets tough, no matter the weather, no matter what life, my mind or my body throws my way.

As I get more prowess with the practice, I realize how much I love and respect my mind and body. I realize how I deeply trust myself to wander as well as self-correct. I begin to really enjoy the process, regardless of the painful hours. My mind is toned, on its way to being buff, actually! I notice more space, less clutter internally.

I feel like I am flirting silently with body and mind, with no witness but myself.

Enlightenment? Flirting? Join me for my July Tele-Class (Yes, it’s FREE)

Enlightened Flirting: Taming the Voices in Your Head

Thursday, July 26, 2007
8:00 - 9:00pm EST

Still searching for your ever-elusive glow and radiance?
Feel incapacitated by the viciously self-defeating voices in your own head?
Far from frivolous, flirting is the key to your kingdom.

Uncover:
• what stops you
• how to move beyond being stopped
• and how to step boldly into enjoying and celebrating who you are!

Learn to apply a simple and sweet three-step process to tame those crazy voices so you can experience more peace, self-confidence and enjoyment immediately. Whether it’s at a bar, at home or at work, you’ll learn how to fearlessly flirt with enlightenment!

Learn more and register: use this link:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/teleseminar.html

Off to be quiet

2007-06-26T15:23:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow morning I get on a bus to the Vipassana Meditation Center in Shelburne, MA, to begin a 10-day silent meditation retreat.

OK, people. I am a dancer and a yoga teacher. If you told me to dance for 10 days, no problem. But sit still? We are talking wake up at 4:00am and sit meditation until 10:00pm. Did I say sitting?

I am being just a touch melodramatic. I am actually looking forward to withdrawing from the world, settling into nature and simplifying my food and daily routine. This retreat is something that is very meaningful to my boyfriend, who has done it over 5 times, so it is an experience I want to share with him. I am always up for an exploration into the nature of reality and the relationship between body and mind. I am also always up for more sweet training for my mind, which, like most minds, can tend to get unruly with problem creation and problem solving and tends to forget all about the divinity in the here and now.

There is more than just a little bit of a wanna-be-monk in me. I look forward to reporting my experiences on the other end.

And after 10 days of silence, I'll surely have a lot to say about it!

Getting To Good

2007-06-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

Like an acme safe ala cartoonland, I recently feel like I got hit on the head with EXACTLY HOW to have my life and relationship be great, gorgeous always full of fun and delight.

Only instead of landing like a ton of steel, this landed like a drizzle of honey on a bed of feathers.

The price to earn pleasure is not pain and suffering.
The price to earn pleasure is enjoying what is already HERE.
It is pulling your head out of your own ass and looking around and acknowledging all the good that is already present.
The best place to start is approving of what is SO.
It is looking around at God's green earth and the flora and fauna and crazy wonderful humans inhabiting it, and finding it good.
The key to getting the good stuff is to start with the good stuff.
And the key to getting things to be better is to start with the good stuff.

The law of physics around having things get better is that things have to be GOOD before they can get BETTER.
If things are bad, they have to get good before they can get better. You can't get from bad to better, you have to get to good first.
The law looks something like this: bad --> good --> better.

The key is to start with good. Then, when things are good - I mean, that's pretty great, right? Could stop right there. But what if things got even better?

I have an awesome relationship. It floors me constantly and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel grateful and blessed for this work of art we've co-created. We've recently had one rocky point where we are not on the same page: around whether to have a child together. And a few months ago we were having a really crappy time figuring this one out, in fact we almost broke up because of how much we were suffering trying to figure it out. It was then pointed out to me that we were having a terrible time and losing big time, while we were figuring it out.

(Enter visual - safe falling on LiYana's head).

Wait a minute? What if we could we have a great time figuring this out? What would that be like?

And what has happened since then is amazing - a torrential deepening of love and appreciation, an easy clarity around what we both fear around having a child, and what would be amazing. All the while a greater sense of partnership and so much more fun and enjoying each other. We're figuring this one out, and having an even better time doing so.

We both pulled our sorry asses out of "bad" and got ourselves to "good" and it keeps getting better and better and better....

These are things I've always known, but sometimes they alternate between peeping and sleeping in me, but now they are roaring and won't shut up. Thankfully.

This is largely due to some amazing courses I have been taking this summer with Morehouse, (www.lafayettemorehouse.com). This is a collective of "Responsible Hedonists," who've been living together successfully for around 40 years, by the simple and delicious philosophies of how to live well and have rich, fun, happy and satisfying lives.

I might get this slightly wrong, but here's the essence of a great quote that sums it all up nicely:

"Your enjoyment is your blessing on God's creation."
- Vic Baranco

Could it be this simple?

2007-06-07T18:13:00.000-07:00

The day started out well, my skin waking up next to the skin of my beloved, a clear swath of time devoted to all the things in my business i haven't been able to get to. But by the early afternoon, I felt strange. Uninspired. My goals far off and remote and like I've got to slog a marathon through molasses to get to them. Internet marketing is a stretch for me. Sometimes I enjoy the learning curve and I feel proud and accomplished, like I just cut down a huge tree with only my two arms and a hand-saw. Sometimes I just want to gnaw my own leg off - anything to get out of learning this shit.

When my boyfriend got home, I stepped into the shower and responded dismally to his queries about my day. As he spoke to me through the shower steam, the fog in my head and heart cleared a little and I thought, apparently I only sleep with geniuses. Let me count the ways I love this man. Could it really be this simple? I bet you are wondering what he said to me.

He said a lot of things, but first and foremost he said, "You should just do the things that are fun for you."

Now, I know all this. And most times I live this. But not today. Today I forgot. Today I played the hide and seek game we all love to play as humans: the forgetting and remembering game. Forgetting that life is on our side all along. Remembering that if we follow what we love, if we lean toward what is most fun, like a plant leans toward the sunlight, life opens its richest heart to us.

I stepped away from the computer, made a New Mexican green chili stew, a quinoa salad with cumin and scallions and fruit and nut bars (we're both not eating sugar these days, but still have a sweet tooth!). It felt good to create something tangible, do something I love, and that I am good at! When I sat back down, I made a list of what would be most fun for me as I continue to build my business. I proceeded to write fun and inspired emails. An hour later, someone I hadn't even thought to contact wrote and asked me about creating a workshop series for her new mothers group.

In fact, yes, it really is this simple.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine...
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination.
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Taking Space in Thailand

2007-04-15T01:10:00.000-07:00

As April heads to a close, your Intrepid Guide finds herself on the wild boarder where Thailand meets Burma. I've thoroughly enjoyed this past month - the steamy street markets and food stalls of Bangkok, the constant call of the crashing waves and the response of the cicadas on our tiny island sanctuary in the gulf of Thailand, and now the relative cool of the rice-terraced mountains of the North.

Having just gone through a rough patch with my boyfriend a few months ago, we are enjoying the fruits of our efforts, recalibrating to a life of love and adventure together. Living on top of each other in and out of asian countries for a year with no real support but each other put more pressure on our relationship than usual. I am blessed and cursed to be with a younger man, which has many advantages (ahem), but also puts us at different stages of life, wanting different things from our lives due to our age/experience. This came to a head a while back, swinging us both into an uncharacteristic space of not being able to work it out together.

These last couple weeks, I notice a trend with my clients that echoes this very one: trying to work out an issue with the very person they are having the issue WITH. It is hard, and often counter-productive - and what to do about it?

The best way I know out of it is to either involve someone else, a "neutral" third party whom you both trust, or take some time and space - or both.

Our choice was to take some serious space. We have always been good about asking for time alone in our four plus years together, but never to the extent of putting tens of thousands of miles between us for a month at a time. I went and stayed with friends for a couple weeks, he went to be with family.

Ah, the benefits of taking time and space! It can be more helpful than any "working at" the issue, like a crowd of busy beavers. Space apart has a way of bathing the issue with a gentle mist that, partnered with time, lifts to reveal things settled, calmer, and somehow clearer.

And no, it doesn't have to be thousands of miles worth of space. Among my clients and family and friends, I have noticed creative, interesting options for "taking space" within relationship.

One client of mine has taken a lover, and she finds that a date once and a while renews her commitment to her relationship to her husband and their kids. (Of course he knows about it).

Another client and her husband worked out that every year they would take one month to be apart and do whatever they wanted, including being lovers with others, with the full understanding they would return to their marriage at the end of the month. They found that having time to be on their own and accountable to no one was a great refresher for their relationship and marriage.

Another, with a business with her partner in a very small town, takes time to travel on her own often for a month at a time, several times a year.

In addition to the drastic thousands of miles approach, my boyfriend and I often take a couple nights a week to do our own thing. I favor alone-time or girl-time, and he favors the movies.

Taking time and space - however much or little - is a opportunity to get centered, regroup as an individual, and mostly to miss your partner. It is important to re-remember all the things you love about them, which are sometimes easy to forget or take for granted when you are together, entwined and on top of each other all the time.

Where did I go during my month across the ocean? I went into the very necessary place of contemplating NOT being together, untwining our lives, and what it would take, emotionally and spiritually, to do it on my own. That was an extreme place to go to, but important. Because of going there, and the gift that time always gives me of seeing my partner for all that he is rather than all he is not, I was able to re-choose clearly and strongly into this relationship. And I do re-choose it, consciously and actively, everyday.

SO where does that leave me and my boyfriend, here in Thailand? Closer than ever.

Free QUICKIE, anyone?

2007-04-09T03:46:00.000-07:00

At my workshop, Crafting Extraordinary Relationships, coming up quickly May 4-6, I will be auctioning off a free quickie!

Ha, now that I've got your interest, I'll enlighten you.

Did you know there exists a woman, fluent in literotica, who will take the tid-bits and tendrils of your sensual fantasies and spin them into a piece of custom literary erotica for you? A fun, fresh thing to give your lover, friend, favorite bachelorette - or even yourself!

May I introduce the writer, Sage Vivant, who writes long, luscious stories or short steamy ditties (dubbed "quickies"), all created based on your personal imaginings. Check her out at http://www.CustomEroticaSource.com and while you're at it, consider her new book, "Your Erotic Personality."

So to get your own personal quickie, join me at my workshop!

In this workshop, Relationship With Yourself, you'll get the skills, tools and how-to's to move past self-doubt and self-criticism into unabashedly adoring yourself in your own skin. Only when you have an unshakably loving relationship with yourself can you go on to creating profound love and epic partnership with someone els! Make peace with your mind, learn how to create intimacy and what it takes to be radiant and attractive, and get fluent in communication with the opposite sex.

This workshop doubles as a rejuvenating retreat at the beautiful Clear Point center in the Connecticut mountains, and includes accommodation, lovingly prepared healthy meals, optional movement classes and guided hikes in the surrounding woods. And for that lucky someone, the workshop also includes a quickie from Sage!

For full information: http://www.ReDefiningMonogamy.com/crafting-2.html.

This workshop got rave reviews the last time I ran it in November 2006, and there are only 5 spaces left for this one.

Considering? On the fence? Be in touch with any questions! Write me at http://www.ReDefiningMonogamy.com/contactliyana.html

Tell me, who in their right mind would turn down the offer for a free quickie?

Man on the half-shell

2007-04-02T02:05:00.000-07:00

This morning, from his hammock overlooking the gulf of thailand's salty waves, my boyfriend reports to being "happy as a clam."

He is every woman's dream at the moment: open, sweet, attentive, flirty, sexy, and sharing his thoughts (and feelings!) freely. We share a saucy spark, from heart to heart, and from, well a bit lower than that, too... I relish these times. As much as I know and accept that they come and go, I also study them so I understand the elements that go into creating them, so I can do so with greater ease and facility next time. In the eternal quest to decode and befriend this strange species of shellfish - Man - I wonder what it takes to turn "clammed up" to "happy as a clam?"

Ever the metaphor whore, I start to think about men as mussels. Sometimes men are closed, hard shells clamped down and water-tight, and sometimes they are open, happily offering up their sweet, salty, soft insides, like a Venus, goddess of love, who stands amorously on such a shell. You can't force mussels to open - you might get poisoned - but there is a way to have them open willingly.

Here is my impromptu recipe to do just that:

1. Pluck from natural habitat. Place in a container with some water.

We all get used to our lives, even if our lives are amazing, so going somewhere different, doing something differently or changing it up in some way, necessitates we are more aware and attentive, rejuvenates the senses, and wakes us up a touch. It is so important to create a space that is different than normal, familiar life. This beach in thailand is working well, for sure! But if you can't take a vacation half-way across the world, you can create sacred space, or a container to connect inside of, anywhere, anytime. Set the space, be intentional: it can be as simple as lighting candles if you usually don't, going out for dinner if you usually stay in, turning off the TV, getting in the bath together, or spending a night in a hotel, just for the fun of it.

2. Add heat and steam.

The general rule is that a woman needs emotional connection to be sexually intimate, and a man needs sexual connection to be emotionally intimate. Sort of a catch-22, at times. My boyfriend tells me he pulls away and closes down when I don't prioritize our sensual time, when we are unable to connect, sensually. It is the thing that allows him to feel like we connect deeply, that we are on the same page, and that he is important and won't lose me to work, distractions, etc. And he is right - I often don't prioritize this. I love life in all its forms and minutiae. I call myself an "intellexual," meaning sometimes my work, or a deep and juicy conversation with a girlfriend can be as amazing as sex. But really, tell me, how in the world can I prioritize e-mail over connecting, heart and body, with my love?

So we make it a priority, just like yoga, exercise or work get a fair slot in our lives. At the risk of sounding super-crunchy, I'll share with your our Connection Ritual next posting. In the meantime, create your own, and we can compare notes!

Gramma was almost right: the way to a man's heart might sometimes be his stomach, but usually it is a little bit further on down...

What I Know About Happiness I Learned From Mosquitoes

2007-03-27T04:55:00.000-07:00

I am by nature a very peaceful and gentle person. I go out of my way to tend and to nurture - except when it comes to mosquitoes. I am not one ounce sorrowful, only full of glee, when I smush one with my lethal hand-clap, thus removing one more tyrant from the world. And yes, I fully understand I may be born a mosquito in my next life in karmic retribution.

When I am not plotting murder for mosquitoes, I think a lot about the nature of happiness. In fact, the cornerstone of all the work I do revolves around how to put into clear and useful language the art of living a happy, extraordinary life. One of the best ways to get off the crazy-train of running after happiness but never catching it, is to fully understand the nature of thoughts, and the nature of the mind (For a full description, please read "The Nature of the Mind" section on my website: http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/secretsubjects_natureofmind.html).

There are several types of thoughts, but the ones that cause us real suffering are the unhealthy thoughts. These are the pestering, persistent ones that make us feel like shit about ourselves or seriously judge others, or make us worry ad nauseam about the future. My best analogy to date is that unhealthy thoughts are like mosquito bites.

Here's what most of us do: we feel the prick of the mosquito biting and although we reach to slap it away, of course it is too late, so then we begin the frenzy of scratching to ease the itch. We know, in some far off, momentarily inaccessible, part of our brain, that scratching only makes it worse. But at this very moment, we are fitfully sure, scratching it is definitely making things better! We think: I am just about to scratch enough to quench the itch, i know it, just one more scratch! But what happens is the mosquito venom spreads, the welt gets bigger and itchier and angrier and demands to be scratched over and over again, at inopportune times like during dinner with a new date, in meditation and especially in the middle of having sex.

Metaphor breakdown: The mosquito bites are your unhealthy thoughts. Your scratching of the bites is your attention on and belief in your unhealthy thoughts. So here's the key: don't scratch.

What happens if you don't scratch? It itches like crazy for about 10 solid minutes, and you have to sit on your hands to stop from scratching. But then, the itch stops. No welt appears. The mosquito bite goes away. In fact, about 20 minutes later, your skin shows no record of the mosquito bite at all. And so it is with unhealthy thoughts.

As I say over and over again, whatever you put your attention on, grows. Scratch the itch of an unhealthy thought, the unhealthy thought's venom spreads and becomes a big inflamed mess, demanding desperate attention for a very long time, perhaps a lifetime. Some things can help alleviate the itch momentarily, but somehow the itch always comes back.

It is a seductive mania to scratch at unhealthy thoughts, to think about them, to try to solve them, to prove them true or false or to puzzle them through to their conclusion. But there is no end. An unhealthy thought scratched gets scratched into reality. An unhealthy thought acknowledged, then ignored, cries and itches for a bit, then disappears. It is that simple. Happiness and contentment are what you experience in the absence of unhealthy thoughts.

I already have attractive matching anklets of about 20 red welts, most scabbed over from excessive, delirious scratching. These are my proof of what happens when I succumb to the urge to scratch. And given that I am here on this magical tropical southern island in Thailand and there are many more mosquitos lining up to help me with my experimentative process, I decide to take it all a step further and put my Happiness-Mosquito theory to physical practice. So last evening, doing yoga al fresco, I felt the generous contribution of a mosquito chomping on my ankle, right next to an existing welt. But I didn't scratch. I breathed through the itch, fully felt the blush and burn of it, but held back any scratchy scratching. 20 minutes later, the evidence was on my ankle: one old angry be-scratched inflamed welt - and nothing at all to show for the new bite.

And so, here on this gorgeous and generous island paradise, I am very happy to report the dissolution of both unhealthy thoughts and the equally distructive plague of mosquito bites.

PS - Spit helps too.

Out Beyond

2007-03-17T02:39:00.000-07:00

Today I led an informal yoga class to four of my dearest friends, who have come to the Philippines to help me and my boyfriend say goodbye to our year here. This last week, I struggle to balance the sunning, adventuring and laughing, with my work of client sessions, website maintenance, workshop preparation and tax returns whilst in a foreign country.

This past week, we've gone high, climbing a volcano with a stunning view of the tiny tropical island, resulting in two scrapes and very sore thighs all around. We've gone low, snorkeling through a giant clam sanctuary and a sunken cemetary, resulting in sunburns all around. We've gone fast and furious, renting motor bikes and driving them over gravel dirt roads, resulting in two wipe-outs, three burns (damn exhaust pipes) and wind in the hair all around. We've gone slow, staring at the brilliant blue ocean, drinking pina coladas over rambling conversation, resulting in a deeper understanding of the benefits of doing nothing.

As we all lay in Shivasana (also known as "corpse pose"), sweaty and happy at the end of class (I do give a rather vigorous and fierce class), a luciously-read Rumi poem came on over the Ipod playlist:

Out beyond right-doing and wrong-doing
There is a feild
I'll meet you there

I want to kiss you
But the price of kissing is your life

Now my loving is running toward my life, yelling
What a bargain
Let's buy it

So, this morning, amid my friends, one single and searching, one about to move in with her new love in a new town, one in a polyamorous relationship with a man and two women, the other with two women and one man, I found myself in such a feild. I took a break from the pressure of doing right the guest-hosting and the business-maintaing. I found myself in a sweet spot, in the living room, on beyond any sense of doing it right or doing it wrong.

There's never a better moment than now to love. There's no right way for that love to look.

Welcome!

2007-01-28T23:51:00.001-08:00

I hope you enjoy Baring With Me as much as I like baring it all - around the topic of Re-Defining Monogamy, that is!

You can look forward to my irreverently revent musings, the fruits of my rambling research, as well as answers to and ponderings on questions posed by viewers.

I'll start with an incredibly timely question posed to me from a New York man, getting ready to get pregnant with his girlfriend:

"Does Monogomy need to be re-defined for today's couples to have any chance at longevity?"

Well, I say a big resounding YES.
The things that bound a couple together for the long haul in the past - like rearing children, cultural convention like arranged marriage, no means for divorce, etc - are all falling away around us, like autumn leaves.
The models we have been handed from the past, which may or may not have worked in the past, are less and less likely to work for us now.

At the same time, there has never been so much pressure put on partner/love relationships as now. Somehow, your partner is supposed to be your best friend, confidante, counselor, buddy and sexual partner all rolled into one. In addition, you are magically supposed to be able to mangage the challenges of finances, housekeeping, socializing, eating habits and parenting - all without much information or tools! Wrapping all these different roles into one relationship puts a lot of strain on the relationship. Add to that that you likely never got very good communication skills, especially with someone of the opposite gender - and there is even more pressure on the relationship.

So, YES, relationships need to be re-defined, and re-defined by YOU, by the people HAVING the relationships. There are so many choices available to us, in only the last generation or so. With the slate of your relationships blank, what do you choose? Do you choose to recreate the relationship your parents had? And if so, are there ways you can make that healthier and more sustainable? Do you want to create something different than any of the models you see out there? And if so, what does that look like for you? Do you want a relationship based on traditional monogamy or do you want be able to color outside the lines?

What makes a relationship last in the rapidly shifting time we live in, can only be defined and created, and re-created, by the individuals in the relationship, and in the time. Relationships that are an expression of the unique beings in the relationship - this is a relatively new concept, but it is the only way I can see that rich, rare, sustainable, healthy and extraordinary relationships have a chance to be long-lived.

Asking these questions of yourself are what re-defining is all about, and it can be scary as hell. But it can also be one of the most exciting, enriching, adventurous and courageous things you can do in your lifetime.

"To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform." - Theodore H. White

What to do?
Have a burning question yourself?
Email it to: questions@redefiningmonogamy.com
... and I may just address it here on the blog, or in my monthly newsletter!

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